Four Idiots
by 1Yui
Summary: Sabaku no Gaara is handed a joint mission with Konoha's Naruto, Rock Lee and Sai. They're not exactly the best shinobi for the job...or are they? - Running gags, clichés, epic fails (with an actual plot) involving the four most lovable social retards of the shinobi world…Crazy Adventure Time! (with occasional surprise guests) Cover Art by vialesana from DA
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** What can I say? It's not exactly crack, just my own brand of Kishimoto-flavored humor and then some.

* * *

**Four Idiots**

By Yui

* * *

**1**

_Tee-hee-hee.. steaming… flavor-rich... broth… mmm…_

_Firm noodles… tamago… extra chaashuu… _

_And of course… naruto… _

_Tee-hee-hee…_

Naruto was practically floating toward Konoha's front gates, giggling and drooling as he imagined the taste and aroma of piping hot ramen in an extra large bowl. The A-rank mission he was assigned to kept him on the road for weeks. He was very eager to get his hands on his absolute bestest super ichiban favorite dish in the world. The second he crossed the entrance with his team, however, he was immediately singled out by gate sentries Kotetsu and Izumo. "Naruto, you're summoned at the Tower."

"Okay, I'll just grab lunch and - "

"No," Izumo cut in. "Hokage-sama made it clear that you are to report as soon as you arrive."

_Raaameeeeeehn…_

The image sunk to oblivion with a faint wheeze replaced by Tsunade's cyclone-swept yellow hair, flaming eyes and frightening roar, _NAARUUTOHHH!_ *Kaboom*

*Sigh*

There was no benefit in disobeying the grumpy old granny these days. Naruto might have gotten away with it a few times in the past but he couldn't risk it anymore, not if he was to be the sixth hokage by Tsunade-baachan's endorsement. It seemed more and more people were vying for the position of late. And he had tripped too many wires from the Sannin member's patience monitor already.

Naruto grudgingly proceeded to the tower with a rumbling stomach and a pronounced scowl. He was extra miffed after watching Sakura and Sasuke go the opposite direction to have lunch... alone... together... G_rr._..

_Brr_…He shook his head briskly to brush unpleasant thoughts away before he entered the Hokage's office. He spotted Sai and Rock Lee seated on a sofa by a corner nook to his left. Naruto didn't even wonder if a sofa ever existed inside the Hokage's office, or a nook. His attention was immediately caught by something else. "Eh? What's Gaara doing here?"

Tsunade's eye twitched at the knucklehead's overly casual address of the Kazekage, not to mention the rude question he just posed.

Gaara didn't seem to notice. He was leaning on the wall by the protruding corner near where the sofa was located perpendicularly behind him. His arms were crossed while mulling over the problem at hand. He had traveled a long distance to Konoha, a place he had not gone back to since the Chuunin Exams many years before. A chill went down his spine whenever he thought of his dark deeds back then. He felt an even greater chill now as he pondered on his would be task in the weeks ahead.

Suna was handed a joint mission with Konoha that neither village could refuse simply because a high monetary offer was presented to their councils. The hidden villages of the Alliance, after all, had suffered huge financial setback because of the 4th war.

To Gaara's discontent, he was personally assigned to said mission. To make matters worse, he was required to work with three Konoha shinobi who were just as badly qualified for the job as he. At least, that's the impression he got from the Hokage's constant groans and murmurs in the last half-hour. And to think he was initially eager to escape the mounds of paperwork in his office and get into some action.

"Naruto," Tsunade began. "You are to go on a mission with Rock Lee, Sai and the Kazekage."

"Sure," Naruto said. "But can I have lunch first? I'm famished."

"Tsk!" Tsunade's click of the tongue told Naruto he was treading on thin ice again. "Gaara-san and the client have been waiting for over an hour for you! You can eat later!" Tsunade glared when she caught Naruto about to mouth off at this. "You'll need to be briefed now on what you have to do. Your training will have to start immediately."

"Training?" Naruto's ears perked at the word. He had already improved the Rasengan multi-levels up, Sennin-mode, Kyuubi-mode, number of shadow clones up to 1,261. Even his sexy no jutsu had taken on a kinky form that Jiraiya would swim out from his watery grave to get a nosebleed over it if only he could. The Ero-Sennin's apprentice had grown indeed. However, a new technique to be learned always got Naruto excited. He was suddenly very interested.

"Sit over there," Tsunade snarled.

Naruto awkwardly complied. He walked over to the old black sofa and scooted between Sai and Lee. He noticed that the two were somewhat in a daze. They just spent the last half-hour being briefed ahead of Naruto. The mission was still as alien to them as an ipod.

A lanky man in his 30's, wearing a gray trench coat over a dark business suit, was seated directly before them, 'the client', Naruto assumed.

With his forefinger, the man raised the bridge of his wide-brimmed eyeglasses to a better angle and eyed Naruto critically. "My name is Aoyama," he said with a foreign accent. "And I suppose, like the others here, you haven't heard of Yonbaka either." His tone was that of someone who considered such ignorance a direct affront to his person.

"Errhmm..." Naruto's voice trailed off as he wondered if the name rang a bell.

The thin bespectacled man exhaled his disappointment. "Yonbaka is currently the most popular raku band in the world." _Raku_ band, yes, that's how he said it.

Naruto mouthed an 'aah' with a slow up-nod of understanding while trying hard not to laugh at how stupid a name Yonbaka was for a rock band...or for anything.

"The band was supposed to go on a world tour two months from now," Aoyama continued. "But three months ago, the four members disappeared. We received a ransom note a day later informing us they were kidnapped."

"Ah, so the mission is to rescue them," Naruto concluded.

"No. A day later, we found out they kidnapped themselves."

"So...you want us to capture them not rescue them?"

"No, we already captured them." Aoyama turned exasperatedly toward Tsunade for some assistance.

Naruto had a look of annoyed confusion. He turned to Sai to his right then Lee to his left. No reaction. He could only see part of Gaara's back and right shoulder from where he was.

"Naruto," Tsunade called. "Don't keep interrupting. Just be quiet and listen."

Aoyama watched Naruto turn his attention forward again. It was dreadfully tiresome to have to start from the beginning just for the sake of this tardy boy. The two beside him were just as interruptive earlier, which dragged his introduction on for the past thirty minutes that prevented him from getting to the more important details. But he had to be patient. There was no one else. He raised the bridge of his glasses again. "They are already in custody," he repeated. "But since we can no longer trust them, I had to find suitable replacements immediately." He then pointed at a photo on the table.

_Funny,_ Naruto didn't even notice it was a photograph at first, just a colorful ornamental piece. And he was too distracted by the way Aoyama's thick brown frizzy hair waved up and down as he spoke.

Upon closer look, Naruto found that the photo was of four guys with musical instruments and flashy poses. A sign above their heads read YONBAKA in bright red letters framed by light bulbs. The four figures, despite the heavy eyeliner, distinctly resembled each one of the shinobi assigned to the task. Naruto couldn't miss Gaara's look-alike, at least, on account of the thick eyeliner, only he had…eyebrows...

A whisker-less Naruto-look-alike was standing in the middle, in a playing stance with a lead guitar. Gaara-look-alike was beside him with a bass guitar slung parallel on his back. Rock Lee-look-alike at the far right had a keyboard positioned perpendicular to his body below his waist. The keyboard was attached guitar-like with a leather strap that hung over his neck. Finally at the far left, Sai-look-alike was holding up a pair of drumsticks over his chest. They had on respective leather pants of leopard, zebra, cheetah and hyena(?) prints (hard to be sure). Snake-skin boots and ripped black or white shirts completed the glam rock look. Oh and enough metal chains to make one wonder if they could still move with all that weight on them. What added to the shimmering brightness were the multicolored kimonos each one had on. But only the sleeves and part of the silky front lining were showing as the frocks were parted fully to reveal the rocker garment inside.

Gaara's face dimmed when he first laid eyes on the photo. He knew there was a reason Temari and Kankuro were sniggering as they saw him off._ "It will be a very good experience for you, Gaara,"_ they said. _"Ganbare! Teeheeheermph…" _It was a bad idea to let them be in charge of assigning missions.

_We're gonna be in a rock band..._ Naruto thought wistfully. *ding* _Money _*ding* _Fame _*ding* _Free food _*ding* _Fangirls _*ding* _Girls! Girls! Girls! *_ding ding ding*

"Naruto..." Sai called.

"Eh?"

"You're drooling."

Naruto's hands scrambled to wipe saliva off his chin.

"You must be very hungry, huh, Naruto-kun?" Lee whispered sympathetically. "Hang in there," he encouraged.

"Uh...yeah…hungry," Naruto replied sheepishly. "Yeah," he said, addressing Aoyama confidently. "I can be in a rock band, sure," he exclaimed. _Those screaming girls will make Sakura-chan extremely jealous-dattebayo. Sasuke too. Tee-hee-hee...I can't wait to let them know…hehehe…_

"Naruto..."

"Yeah, Sai?"

"Drool."

Aoyama observed Naruto with interest. This one seemed more normal than the others. At least he had a better reaction than Gaara who generally remained stoic but whose eyes took on a dark piercing look at times that made Aoyama's hair stand on end. The one named Rock Lee was over-eager to do anything and kept declaring it was the springtime of his youth. It was doubtful he had ever laid a finger on a keyboard. And that Sai fellow thought a raku band was a headband made out of rocks. Earlier, the latter two were more curious at having shadow clones without the benefit of a henge jutsu, whatever shadow clone and henge jutsu were. It seemed to Aoyama like he was talking to aliens.

These shinobi were a strange lot indeed. At that point, Aoyama knew he'd have to start from scratch to make them convincing replacements for the popular group his agency had so painstakingly developed and promoted. He was determined to do it. He had come all this way to find the right faces. After all, something very important was at stake.

Aoyama cleared his throat to get everyone's attention and to snap Naruto out of his day-dreaming. "Do you know how to play a guitar?" he asked Naruto to which he already knew the answer. These shinobi were sadly lacking in artistic inclinations. "It's really not a problem if you can't," he said. "You only need to act like you do. You will just have to start learning the basic movements with your assigned instruments as soon as possible."

"Great!" Naruto said happily. "I've always wanted to learn how to play a guitar. I mean how hard can it be? It can't be as tough as molding chakra and forming an O-dama out of air, right?"

"Right!" Lee agreed. "I will train very hard to play the keyboard! I will be the fastest, strongest keyboard player in the world!"

"Ano…," Aoyama interrupted. "I don't think you understand what I just said. You need not really play the instruments. You just have to act like you are. Pre-recorded music will play while you are on stage." _And what the heck does being strongest and fastest have to do with anything?_

"Even so," Rock Lee, said. "I will be -"

"Lee!"

"Hai! Tsunade-sama!"

"Let Aoyama-san continue."

"Hai!"

"As I was saying," Aoyama said. "You need not play for real. The band is just a front for our agency."

"Front?" Naruto asked. "Agency…You mean…"

"We are the Yonkoku International Police Intelligence Agency," Aoyama revealed, finally glad to get to the point. "We monitor criminal activity within the four _great_ nations of the eastern hemisphere beyond the _great_ sea far from the five _great_ countries of this side of the world."

That elicited hushed "Oohs" from Aoyama's listeners that gave him a degree of proud satisfaction. _Great! Now we move on._ "The concert tour was set up to follow the trail of a syndicate that operates exclusive underground clubs around our four-country jurisdiction."

Gaara suddenly took interest. Aoyama only got as far as introducing the men in the photograph while waiting for Naruto. He spent the rest of the time answering Lee and Sai's questions about the strange outfits and clarifying that none of the accessories doubled as weapons. _So_… it wasn't as ridiculously lame and insulting to Gaara's abilities as he originally thought.

"It took us a whole year to make the band legitimately popular in order to have access to those clubs," Aoyama said before shaking his head ruefully. "But we experienced a major holdup. Those four aren't real agents, you see. We just recruited them to act as a front. They were good at performing and got extremely popular overtime but the popularity went to their heads. They wanted to cash in early so they thought up a scheme to hold themselves for ransom knowing how valuable they were to us. They seem to have forgotten they were working for an intelligence agency, the idiots!"

"Well, then," Naruto said, clapping his hands to his knees excitedly. "You have nothing more to worry about. "You not only have a rock band for a front, you've just hired real-life shinobi who can help you nab that syndicate."

"Aah…yes…uhm…" Another misunderstanding, Aoyama figured. _These shinobi think they're so great. We, the Yonkoku International Police Intelligence Agency or YIPIA (pronounced 'yee-pee-ai-ei'), don't need jutsu-rubbish to do our work! _He would have to make that very clear. "You are not to participate in the investigation. We just need you to act as a front."

Gaara's temporarily raised hopes deflated. _I knew it._

"Oh," Naruto mouthed. _That's disappointing. But that's okay. I'll still be in a rock band…fangirls, here I come…Watch me, Sakura-chan…Squirm in envy, Sasuke-teme! Hehe..._

"There's one last thing," Aoyama said. "How are you with delivering punch-lines?"

"What's a punch-line?" Sai asked.

"We're a rock band, why do we have to deliver punch-lines?" Naruto asked.

_And yet another misunderstanding. _"You are not a rock band," Aoyama said.

"Huh?" Naruto uttered. "But you said - "

"As I said earlier, Yonbaka is a _raku_ band.

"…"

"In other words, a rakugo band."

"Rakugo?"

"Yes, a comedy act. The rock band get-up is a gag. The instruments are just props. They're comedians that each perform rakugo between songs and make people laugh. We pioneered the combination of the traditional and the modern in entertainment," Aoyama said proudly. "The novelty is the reason why Yonbaka is very popular among the very wealthy middle to senior age groups."

"Huh?"

"The music is, of course, pre-recorded but the rakugo has to be delivered live. Do you understand?"

Four mouths hanging open told Aoyama they did not. By the look on their faces, however, they really do fit the name…yonbaka.

Naruto's image of fangirls, a jealous Sakura and an envious Sasuke faded with a whoopee cushion *_pooot* They **can't **know about this…_

And if guns existed in the shinobi world, Gaara would utter those three little words to express exactly what he felt that very moment. Shoot. Me. Now.

**つづく**

* * *

**A/N: **Well that escalated quickly...or decelerated, depending on how you look at it. This is probably funnier in my head than it is on paper. And who's even heard of rakugo from this audience? Show of hands…Nesh! Oh well. We'll see how this develops...

**Up Next:**

Gaara tries to bail

Naruto's ultimate determination (to become a rock star)

Sai gets sneaky

Lee…well he's all gung-ho whatever happens, isn't he?

* * *

Sai: So...what's a punch-line?

Lee: A line of punches, Sai-kun. *air-punch* That's what it must mean. *air-punch* Seishun power! *air-punch* *punch* *punch*


	2. Chapter 2

**2013.08.11** Thanks for the reviews! Guest in this chap is dedicated to Kh530.

* * *

**2**

"Hey, hey, Sai," Naruto called in a half-whisper as they exited the Hokage Tower after getting dismissed from the briefing. "We absolutely cannot tell anyone about this."

"Our missions have always been confidential," Sai said matter-of-factly as he walked on down the road.

"Oh, right," Naruto said. _Whew! What a relief. _

_"_But this one is at the other side of the world," Sai said. "And we're not directly involved with the investigation. It's not strictly confidential. At least, not while we're here."

"No, no! It is. It _absolutely_ is. Sasuke and Sakura must not know!"

"Only Sasuke and Sakura?"

"No, I mean _everyone_ but since we're likely to bump into them today, I had to mention them _specifically_." Naruto grabbed Sai by the shoulder and stared him down. "Tell me you won't tell them."

"I won't tell them."

"Good."

"Yo, usuratonkachi. We heard you have a new mission."

"Geh!" Naruto faced the source of that familiar mocking voice. A smirking Sasuke was approaching them with Sakura by his side. _Teme…how did he know? "_How did you know?"

"We met Lee back there just now," Sakura replied while pointing back to the direction they came from. "He seems to be in a hurry. Something about you guys being in a rock band?"

Sai motioned to correct her.

"Yes, exactly!" Naruto said, shoving Sai behind him at the same time. "We're gonna be in a rock band."

"A _raku_ band," Sai mumbled but still audible.

"What's the difference?" Sakura asked.

"Nothing," Naruto spouted. "The client has a weird way of saying it. He says raku band when he actually means rock band. We're gonna be famous over there in the east."

Sasuke and Sakura just looked at him like they were waiting for a punch-line.

"We're going on world tour and all, y'know. Screaming girls and stuff. But don't worry, Sakura-chan," Naruto said with a scratch of his head. "You'll always be in my heart."

Cross-shaped veins suddenly protruded on Sakura's forehead.

"And all _that_ while on mission to track a criminal syndicate," Naruto boasted further.

"Lee said you'll only act as a front to cover for the agents who will conduct the _real _mission," Sasuke said unimpressed.

_Lee no baka! I'm gonna punch your big mouth later! "_Yeah, but who cares? I'm gonna be a _real_ rock star playing a _real_ instrument with thousands of _real_ screaming girls. I figure it's a good break from all our shinobi action anyway. Green with envy, Sasuke?_"_

"Why would I be?"

"Because I'll be a _real_ rock star playing a _real_ instrument with thousands of _real_ screaming girls."

"You already said that," Sai said.

"Yeah coz it needs to be said again coz Sasuke here doesn't get it."

"You're right," Sasuke said with a shrug. "I don't. Later, usuratonkachi. Don't screw up."

Naruto seethed as he watched Sasuke walk away with Sakura following. _I'm gonna show you, teme... _With eyes still on the Uchiha, Naruto firmed his resolve. "Sai, we're gonna be in a rock band."

"Raku band," Sai corrected.

"No. We're gonna learn how to play music for real. And we're gonna get good and be famous and get loads of fans."

"Yonbaka is already famous according to Aoyama-san. They are very popular among the middle to senior age groups."

"You don't have to remind me."

"But you seem to keep forgetting."

Naruto slumped his head and shoulders in frustration then turned to face Sai. "Don't you get it? Rakugo would be embarrassing."

"Why?"

"It's a comedy act in front of _old_ people. I'd have to act like a fool."

"But you already act like a fool."

"And you'll have to act like one with me."

"I don't mind. It's only an act until that syndicate is caught."

"Whatever. I want everyone to acknowledge me as a rock star."

"I thought you wanted to be Hokage."

"I do. But for now, I want to be a rock star and you and Lee and Gaara are going to help me."

"Naruto, our mission is to - "

"We're gonna go on tour anyway. What harm is there to actually play rock instruments and get fans from the appropriate age group?"

"We were ordered to follow what the client wants."

"You and your by-the-book ways. I'm just sayin' while we're doing that rakugo band thing, we can also learn to do the rock band thing. No harm, no foul."

"The ultimate goal is to capture the syndicate," Sai said firmly.

"Yeah, so?"

"If we are to accomplish that goal, we will have to help YIPIA out as much as we can."

"What are you saying?"

"We cannot just act as decoy. We have to use our shinobi skills to help with the investigation."

"But you just said we have to do what the client wants."

"No, I said we were _ordered_ to. But I don't want to be at the other side of the world for an indefinite period. If something serious comes up within the Five Great Countries during our absence, it will take too long to get back. We need to accomplish this mission as quickly as possible."

"Sai…you're not as boring as I thought you were," Naruto said, not at all sarcastically. "Fine, I say we can also be a real rock band."

"And still be shinobi," Sai pointed.

"Yeah," Naruto agreed with a glimmer in his eyes. "A shinobi rock band!"

"Oooozu!" It was Lee coming straight at them, dressed in…uh…

"Lee, what the hell are you wearing?" Naruto gasped. Sai eyed Lee curiously.

"This is how my clone was dressed like in the photo."

"He's not a clone," Naruto corrected. "He just happens to look like you."

"And he wasn't dressed like that," Sai said flatly.

"He wasn't?" Lee was sure he got the animal skin and chains down. He even borrowed eyeliner from Tenten and applied it all around his eyes.

"I was thinking of punching your big mouth earlier," Naruto said. "But you look like somebody already punched you and gave you two black eyes."

"I just wanted to be ready," Lee said in all seriousness. But he had to trust Sai-kun's critical artist's eye that he didn't get it quite as accurately as he thought. He took off the thick bearskin that made him look like he was off to go hunting in the wild. He then started to uncoil the heavy chains from his arms and legs.

"I'm sure Aoyama-san will provide us the proper disguise," Sai assured. "But your chain does give me an idea."

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Meanwhile, back at the Hokage's office, Tsunade was still trying to talk Gaara from backing out of Yonbaka.

"I just remembered I have a lot of paperwork left in Suna," Gaara said. "I'm sure you understand."

Tsunade was sympathetic but all bases were covered ahead of time for this one. "Temari-san assured in her message that all your responsibilities are being taken care of. You need not worry about anything in Suna."

Apart from the monetary compensation, it seemed Temari and Kankuro wanted their little brother to go out into the world and experience 'normal' things. Suna owed it to the lad after shoving a hideous monster inside him from when he was a wee babe. Temari begged Tsunade in her letter to make sure Gaara join the mission to the shinobi-less and practically risk-free land in the eastern hemisphere. Going by that logic, Tsunade supposed Konoha owed Naruto the same thing. The other two required for the task happened to need just as much exposure to 'normal' things. _Yes, they have to go_, Tsunade decided.

Gaara's mind was currently racing. What else could he say to decline graciously without offending the Hokage and the client? "The truth is… I don't think I have the necessary abilities for this mission," he said humbly. "I don't want to bring embarrassment to Suna if I fail. I do believe any shinobi who can practice henge jutsu can take over for me. Even Naruto can copy all four baka members if he so chooses."

"_Yon_baka," Tsunade discreetly corrected.

"Right…_yon_baka…" The name alone was enough to set Gaara's teeth on edge.

"It would be very risky to use henge," Tsunade said. "At some point, a henge user will have to change back to his real appearance to recover chakra. Aoyama told me the band is scheduled to appear in something called real-time TV, which would require the members to be on camera surveillance for at least 24 hours."

Gaara considered this for a moment. He wasn't much of a henge user. He never needed it so he didn't fully learn its limitations, but… "I know a shinobi in Suna who can keep his appearance for five days straight," he said. If he had any intonation in his voice, it would be one of triumph. "I'll assign him as my replacement."

"Oh…uh," Tsunade scrambled for a follow up. _Dammit, I'm losing him!_ "That…that shinobi must be quite amazing indeed! Five days, amazing…but...there's just no time to send for a replacement. The client said you will have to leave immediately and it's a few days journey from Suna to here. And…" _Okay, I didn't want to do this but seems I have no choice. _She sighed for effect. "Gaara-san, your village is relying on you." She took on an even graver voice. "And truthfully, Konoha is too." A rueful shake of the head and another sigh. "If it wasn't for the extremely generous compensation offered, we would not send our shinobi to the other side of the world but as you know, we need to raise our villages again after the war." Dramatic pause and a long intense gaze. "We need you on this mission, Gaara. There's no one else..." The last part might have been a slight overkill. Tsunade waited for a response.

Gaara met Tsunade's eyes but said nothing. It would have been easier if Shukaku were still inside him. He'd just wreak instant havoc, destroy the village, kill everyone in sight and then walk out of Konoha's sand-shattered gates with dignity. Instead Gaara would have to be...veeeery...quiet... "I'm very tired. I need to rest."

"…Of course," Tsunade said. "You've had a long journey and still far longer one ahead. We made reservations at a fine inn. Our ANBU will escort you."

"NO...That is…escorts won't be necessary. I'll find my way there myself."

"Oh but you're the Kazekage. It's our responsibility to ensure your security."

Gaara pointed at the sand gourd on his back. "Ultimate defense, remember? There's really no need to trouble yourselves… Besides, it's been a long time since I was here. I would like to have a leisurely walk through the village. ANBU would be…a distraction."

The Kazekage's safety was actually farthest from Tsunade's concern exactly because of the aforementioned 'ultimate defense'. But Gaara was acting rather strangely…even for Gaara. "…Very well. Have a good rest. You will have to leave in a day or two so please enjoy your stay in the meantime. Let us know if you need anything."

Gaara acknowledged and walked out slowly out of the office, slowly through the corridor, slowly out the exit and slowly down the road. As soon as he was a few paces out of sight from the tower, Gaara made a dash for it behind the trees and into the shadows.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

The Yonbaka replacements were ordered to proceed to a posh inn, where Aoyama was staying, to receive further instructions. Gaara stayed behind at the Tower, apparently, for '_some business'_ with the Hokage.

Inside his room, Aoyama popped a video inside a player and showed random action-synched musical performances by Yonbaka.

'_So that's rock music,'_ Sai mused. He smiled at this. He kinda liked the beat.

'_That guy doesn't look like me at all,'_ Naruto thought. _'Hmmph! I can do way better than that!'_

"Oooh! I am so cool!" Lee gushed.

"That's not you," Naruto and Sai said at once.

"I would show you the rakugo part but I've had a very long journey and need to get some rest. For now…" Aoyama walked over to the edge of the room and opened four irregularly-shaped cases. "These are your instruments," he said as he handed Naruto an electric guitar, Lee a keyboard and Sai a pair of drumsticks. "You will use those on padded drums," he said to Sai." The sound will be muted off so you don't have to worry about which to hit. Just act like you know what you're doing."

"Understood," Sai said.

Aoyama also handed him a bass guitar. "Would you give this to Gaara-san when you see him?"

"Certainly," Sai said with a smile.

"This is just so you will get the feel of your instruments," Aoyama pointed out. "Try to remember what you saw in the videos and imitate the movements. We'll leave as soon as I finalize the travel arrangements. That should be within two days."

"That soon?" Naruto asked.

"The trip from here to the eastern hemisphere will take two whole months."

"But you said the concert will start in two months," Lee said.

"Exactly. That is why we cannot linger here. You'll begin proper training while we're at sea."

With that, the three ninjas were dismissed. As soon as they were out of the inn, Naruto suddenly remembered his empty belly. His stomach growled audibly as if on cue. Naruto grabbed his companions and headed to Ichiraku.

On the way to the ramen shop, however, Sai suddenly skidded in his tracks, prompting Lee and Naruto to follow his sudden detour.

"What are we doing here?" Naruto asked after Sai led him and Lee into a shop they had never been to before.

"This is where I get my art ninjutsu supplies," Sai informed.

"Ooooh!" Lee said enthusiastically. This is where that giant scroll and brush for your sealing method came from!" Sai confirmed with a smile. Naruto grumbled. There was nothing to eat in an art supply shop.

"Irrashai!" The proprietor warmly greeted. "What do you need today, Sai-kun?"

"Konnichiwa, Kintaro-jiisan," Sai greeted back. "This is my supplier since my ANBU days," he informed his companions.

"Why if it isn't our very own hero, Uzumaki Naruto-kun," Kintaro exclaimed.

Naruto momentarily forgot his hunger and beamed at the acknowledgement. He liked this old man already.

"And Konoha's beautiful green beast himself, Rock Lee-kun," Kintaro continued.

Lee almost leaped to hug the man if he wasn't rendered immobile from extreme happiness. "Kintaro-san..." he said amid tears and drooping nose mucus. No one ever called him by his self-proclaimed title, not even Gai-sensei. "How did you know?"

"Sai-kun has told me all about his friends," Kintaro revealed genially.

"Sai-kun…" Lee rushed to hug the artist nin.

Sai dodged quickly. He seldom felt fear like he did then. Or he thought it was fear. A more knowledgeable person would describe it as immensely creeped out. He immediately shook off the sensation. He had to get to his purpose. "Kintaro-jiisan," he said. "I need a favor."

**つづく**

* * *

**Up Next: **Gaara, oh Gaara, wherefore art thou, Gaara?


	3. Chapter 3

******2013.08.18**

* * *

**3**

Tsunade paced her office with nervous irritation. It had been over two hours since Gaara left the Hokage Tower and yet reports from the inn said he had not checked in. She had ordered ANBU to search the entire village but there was no sign of the young Kazekage. _Tsk!_ She had a feeling this would happen. Gaara could be far outside the village by then. What would she tell Temari? Tsunade thought fretfully. _More importantly, what will I tell the client?_

She continued her brisk pacing. If Gaara was not found, he at least provided an option to the latter question,_ a henge replacement. The client need not know. _Tsunade entertained the thought trying not to think of the scandal it would cause if the ruse was found out. _A henge replacement,_ she decided more firmly. _But only until Gaara is found. _

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"Oi, oi, look there," Kiba nudged Shino then pointed with his head at what was approaching down the road. Sai was walking with two extra legs dangling from his hips. He had his hands hooked under someone's knees.

"Naruto-kun," Hinata gasped when she recognized to whom those legs belonged to, orange pants and all. The jinchuuriki was suspended awkwardly with a pained expression. Rock Lee had him by the armpits from behind.

Team Kurenai ran forward to meet the odd trio. "What happened?" Kiba asked, more out of curiosity than worry.

"He's hungry," Sai said pleasantly.

"Is that all? Lame," Kiba groaned.

"Hey! I heard that!" Naruto said.

"Of course you did," Shino said. "Why? Because Kiba spoke loud enough for everyone to hear."

"I haven't eaten since last night!" Naruto griped defensively. "I'd have had ramen by now if Sai didn't drag me somewhere else. Now I'm too weak to walk."

"That cannot be true," Shino countered. "Why? Because the kyuubi inside you gives you enough stamina than all of us combined."

Kiba snickered. For once he didn't mind Shino stating the obvious. Naruto mumbled something incomprehensible.

"I didn't tell you to come with me," Sai said flatly in reply to the earlier complaint. "You followed on your own."

"All the good it did me," Naruto carped sarcastically, not that detecting sarcasm was ever one of Sai's strengths. It wasn't Lee's either.

"Don't feel bad, Naruto-kun," Lee said seriously. "It can't be helped that you don't need weapons for your jutsu."

"Weapons?" Kiba was intrigued.

"Yes," Lee confirmed with excitement. We're going to-"

"Ahh-iiya-iiya..." Naruto waved his hands around to interrupt. "Sorry, can't tell you. Top secret mission." If more people asked about the new assignment, the more likely the embarrassing details about the raku band would get exposed._ Shut up, Lee! _"Ano...I really can't take it anymore. C'mon guys! To Ichiraku puhlease."

Sai and Lee excused themselves and continued on their way still carrying the jinchuuriki. Hinata had witnessed many instances that led her to admire Naruto in the past. That moment wasn't one of them. _Not very cool._

Naruto was suddenly filled with renewed vigor the moment he spotted the ramen shop a good ten meters away. He leaped out from his friends' arms and zoomed away. He looked much like Akamaru chasing a steak but from his perspective, it was as if he was moving in slow motion while eyeing the gently swaying white rectangular curtains that shaded the inside of Ichiraku on summer days.

_Raaameeeeeehn…_

"Naruto, you're summoned by the Hokage," Izumo's voice halted the jinchuuriki's movement to a complete stop just as his right foot was about to land right in front of the ramen shop. Izumo, who had to wait for over an hour, was squatting by the shop's corner but stood up to deliver the message. "And you two as well," he continued, addressing Lee and Sai who were walking a few steps behind.

"No! No! NOOO!" Naruto struggled as his two companions dragged him by the arms away from Ichiraku.

_Raaameeeeeehn!_

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"We have a problem," Tsunade began.

_We sure do, _Naruto grumbled inwardly. Once he became Hokage, his first act would be to set up office right above Ichiraku. The second would be to make sure every shinobi was fed immediately before and after every mission.

"Gaara's missing," Tsunade informed.

Naruto wasn't surprised in the least. At that moment, he was torn between bailing himself and pursuing his dream to be a rock star.

"Oh No!" Lee yelped. "The Kazekage has been abducted! We will rescue him at once, Hokage-sama!"

"Baka," Naruto said. "Who in his right mind would try? Gaara's gotten much stronger since the Akatsuki incident. He didn't want to be in the mission for sure" _Sure is great to be kage, _he thought bitterly._ He can get away with anything._ Naruto didn't really believe the last. It was just ramen lust talking.

"But why would he not want to take part?" Lee asked incredulous. "To go on a journey to the other side of the world and thwart evil deeds while in disguise is the coolest adventure in the springtime of our youth!"

"ANBU is searching for him as we speak," Tsunade said ignoring Lee's outburst. "I called you here to instruct you on a back-up plan should the search take longer than is necessary." She then addressed Naruto directly. "You'll have to create a shadow clone of Gaara should the client require to see him. You'll have no problems imitating him, will you?"

"Uhm…no…." Naruto replied apprehensively. If Gaara didn't come back, he'd have to perform rakugo twice in every performance… Tsunade noted the reluctance on his face.

"You'll get to play both lead and bass guitar," Sai said suddenly. He turned to Naruto, smiled then said, "more fans."

*ding*

"I'll do it!" Naruto blared.

Tsunade could kiss Sai that moment…in a motherly, I mean older sisterly sort of way.

Naruto was thankful that the trip to the Hokage office didn't take too long. There was no stopping his trail blaze toward Ichiraku then.

"RAAAHMMMMENNN," Naruto yelled a few meters away from the shop entrance.

"Hey there, Naruto," Teuchi greeted pleasantly as his most loyal patron entered. "Here." A bowl of hot ramen was immediately laid on the counter by Naruto's regular seat.

"Teuchi-jiisan…" Naruto sniveled gratefully.

"I heard the ruckus outside earlier," Teuchi said. "I figured you'd be back here soon enough." The only sound heard after that was a series of nomnoms and slurps.

Five bowls later…

"Aaaahhh," Naruto rubbed his bloated stomach and sighed contentedly. Sai and Lee, who were seated on either side of him, paid no mind. Teuchi beamed proudly at his satisfied customer before heading to the kitchen.

"I wonder where Gaara-sama could be," Sai wondered.

"I'm sure he'll come back," Lee said. "How can he not rise up to this new challenge? He did not become a Kazekage by running away from missions. That wouldn't be the shinobi I fought during the Chuunin exams."

"Technically, he isn't the shinobi you fought during the Chuunins exams," Sai said. Lee didn't seem to hear him.

"Maybe he was having fun training somewhere and forgot the time," Lee suggested.

"He wouldn't have become Kazekage if he forgets time," Sai said.

"Maybe he has paperwork in Suna that he needs to finish," Lee offered further.

"I'm telling ya the mission is an embarrassment," Naruto stressed. It just occurred to him there wasn't any merit in playing bass as Gaara. The fans wouldn't know it was him who was actually playing. "They need to find him. I don't want to perform rakugo any more than I have to," he admitted. "If Gaara only knew our plan, he wouldn't have backed out."

"We'll have to join the search then," Sai said to the others' agreement.

"I'll just have one last bowl before we do," Naruto said. He called Teuchi and asked for a sixth serving.

The owner came back out shortly bearing the order. That's when Lee caught sight of something. "Teuchi-san, will you be having a party soon?" The man replied in the negative. "Then why do you have a large stock of sake by the corner?"

"Sake?" Teuchi asked confused. His attention turned to the edge of the counter where Lee was pointing. "Oh that," he said.

Naruto and Sai faced that direction as well. The sake container looked strangely familiar. _That's…_

"Aaah!" Naruto gasped. The container was actually an over-sized light brown gourd. Concealed and squatting behind it was a sulking Kazekage.

"Gaara-sama said he needed some privacy to think," Teuchi said. "It seemed to be a good place for him as any," he shrugged.

"ANBU's looking for you," Naruto said still somewhat in disbelief.

"I know," Gaara replied flatly not bothering to move. A short while later though, he decided he had stayed in that position long enough. He stood up and faced his new teammates with seeming resignation. "So what's the plan?"

Naruto rubbed his palms together and grinned ear to ear. "We're gonna be rock stars."

Gaara's face dimmed. That was no plan.

"We're also going to participate actively in capturing the syndicate," Sai added.

Gaara's face lit up (just a little bit) but darkened again. "How are we supposed to do that? We are forbidden by the client to use our shinobi skills."

"That's why we're gonna be rock stars," Naruto said triumphantly. "Shinobi rock stars!"

That didn't make any sense. Gaara's face grew even darker than before.

"Mah, mah, it's hard to explain now. You'll understand tomorrow," Naruto said. "Tomorrow, right, Sai?" he asked to be sure.

"Yes," Sai confirmed. "Tomorrow."

"Here, Gaara-sama." Teuchi placed a bowl of ramen on the counter. "On the house."

"Great!" Naruto cheered. "Thanks, Jiisan!"

"Yours isn't on the house, Naruto," Teuchi said. "The Kazekage has been sad all day."

"But _I_ have been sad all day too," Naruto said.

"And five bowls of ramen made you happy, did it not?" Teuchi said.

Naruto vented his frustration by attacking his sixth bowl.

Ichiraku=1 Naruto=0

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Gaara proceeded to the Hokage Tower that night and humbly apologized to Tsunade for the trouble he had caused. He assured that he would join the mission as assigned.

"What made you change your mind?" Tsunade asked with real curiosity.

In truth, Gaara just needed time to get over missing Shukaku. For a brief moment, he did yearn for that old guilt-free sensation in disregarding all sense of responsibility and causing destructive mayhem. But even before he heard Lee say it, he knew he could never really run away from a mission, especially one that would financially help Suna significantly.

_But once I get back home..._ Gaara relished the thought of the many ways he could get back at his siblings… _Commandeer those puppets with my sand and tickle Kankuro with them till he begs for mercy. Swipe Temari's diary and watch her squirm when I tell her it's with Shikamaru. Add tar to Kankuro's face paint and snip Temari's mesh stockings with scissors...or I could_…Gaara suddenly noticed Tsunade still waiting for a response.

"It was as you said," Gaara began in his usual flat voice and languid expression. "Suna needs me. I will do my best on this mission." Maybe 'the plan' his teammates were talking about would help ease his discomfort.

Early the next day, the four new raku band members went to Aoyama's room at the inn. The client popped a video in the player to introduce a real rakugo performance.

_"Rakugo is simply humorous stories told by a single person seated in seiza position on stage,"_ Aoyama had explained on their first meeting_. "It involves very little movement, relying only on changes in the narrator's voice pitch while he delivers lines by different characters in the tale. The stories end with a punch-line that usually involves some form of wordplay._" Even with this description, the four shinobi still did not understand how it worked, hence, hours and hours of video footages. Aoyama would sometimes laugh, sometimes giggle at certain parts. The four shinobi remained stoic through it all.

Gaara's mind retreated farther and farther into a corner that was once occupied by dear old Shukaku. 'The plan' must work, he thought. But he wasn't to find out what it was until this meeting with Aoyama was over and it seemed to be taking forever. The man that looked like him in the video modulated his voice in a range of pitches and intonations that went as high as Gaara's sand could hover. His own voice had never gone above the lowest octave. And the supposedly humorous tale wasn't making any sense to him at all.

Sai was trying very hard to analyze the story being told by his look-alike. He read in a book that one ought to comfort a friend when he's scared but *the men in the story did not comfort their friend. They even conspired to scare him even more._ I see. They were probably helping him face his fear. _He remembered how Naruto got angry when Sai tried to ease his fear of ghosts. Instead of putting his arm around Naruto then, maybe he should have just drawn ghosts for him. _Interesting. That's definitely what I should have done._ Applying the opposite to what was written in books really worked better in relationships, he surmised. _Ino certainly liked her nickname better than Sakura did. _

Rock Lee was counting the total number of seconds that his look-alike had to sit in seiza position. He was sure he could last much longer before his legs went numb.

Naruto was out like a light before the first video finished. He's had way too much ramen.

Aoyama clicked on the remote after the last of the repertoire was over. "Make no mistake," he said. "It takes a high degree of skill to master a rakugo delivery. You will have to train very hard."

"We will train very hard!" Lee declared. Sai smiled his fake smile. Gaara nudged a softly snoring Naruto.

"Huh? Wha?" A disoriented Naruto noticed the TV was already turned off. How long was he out for, he wondered.

Aoyama seemed oblivious. He just dismissed them soon after as he still had to see to the travel arrangements for their departure the next day.

The four immediately proceeded to Kintaro's art supply shop. On the way, Gaara was told of Naruto's intention to become a rock star. It didn't sound good. This rakugo would be hard enough and now he would be made to play music, yet another thing he did not understand. _What is music? _He witnessed people singing and dancing to it as a child. It seemed fun but it put him in a foul mood that he was not allowed to join in. After some time, he just learned to ignore the sound even as it was played for his entertainment as Kazekage. _Music… _Gaara was now sure 'the plan' would not be his salvation as he hoped.

"Konnichiwa, Kintaro-jiisan," Sai greeted, followed by the others.

"Ooh, irrashai!" the old man responded cheerfully. "Over here, over here," he motioned toward his supply room and bade them enter. On top of a narrow table by the side were a few small boxes and the set of musical instruments they left the previous day. "I had to pull some strings to get these done on such short notice, you know," Kintaro said. "Good thing the owner of the musical ninjutsu shop from Oto no Kuni is a good friend of mine."

"We're grateful," Sai said.

"First off, here, Sai-kun." Kintaro handed Sai his drumsticks. "Flip the tip of the first one and the bristles will pop out. That's your brush. The ink automatically rolls down from the core. An extra-thin scroll is concealed within the other stick. Just press the bottom. Go ahead, give it a try."

Sai pressed the oval head of the first stick with his thumb. It flipped open and the black bristles of a paint brush came out. Then he pressed the bottom end of the other stick. A narrow strip from the length of the wood clicked open and an extra thin parchment rolled out from inside. Sai then quickly painted a small sparrow. "Ninpo chouji giga," he recited. The little bird flew out of the scroll.

"Whoa! That's terrific!" Lee gushed.

"A special jutsu was applied to make the weight of the sticks even," Kintaro said. "I wrapped some spare and a few tubes of ink for refill.

"Thank you, Jiisan," Sai said. "Now I'll just have to learn to play drums."

"As for you, Lee-kun…" Kintaro picked up the keyboard guitar and handed it back to Lee. He then opened one box and pulled out a booklet. "You can learn how to play by reading this."

"Eh…Is that all?" Lee asked sadly.

"Well, I suppose you'd have to be able to do some form of ninjutsu for them to do anything to the instrument. And as it is…" Kintaro noticed Lee's head slump. "Oh don't be sad, son. Sai's initial idea was good at least." He then fished out a two-meter long thin chain out of the same box. "Here, wrap these on your clothing like how it was in the photo you saw."

Lee took the chain joylessly.

"It looks like mere clothing accessories," Kintaro said. "But it's a light weight super strength chain that can be infused with your chakra. It will function the same way as your bandages when you do your lotus moves, possibly even better."

"OJIISAN!" An exuberant Lee embraced Kintaro so tightly that he almost squeezed the life out of the old man. When both recovered, Lee spun the chain around. "Woooh, it's like a natural part of my arm!"

Naruto watched with giddy excitement. If they could make something for Lee, they must have made something for him too. "Ne, ne, Ojiisan, anything for me?

Kintaro handed him his electric guitar, picked up a small box and handed it over. "Here Naruto-kun, a box of shurikens. You can decorate your guitar with them."

"What?" Naruto's mouth gaped. "Shurikens? I have plenty of shurikens."

"I'm sorry, Naruto-kun. It's all they can do for now," Kintaro said. "I'm sure they came up with a few ideas to compliment your wind affinity but it will take a fair amount of training and we just don't have the time. Maybe when you get back from your mission, eh?"

Naruto retreated sullenly to a corner with his guitar and little box of shurikens.

Gaara had been observing from the beginning and the pattern did not escape him. The old man started with an impressive enhancement of Sai's instrument, a little less impressive with Lee's then practically nothing for Naruto. It could only mean he would get nothing out of all this.

"Gaara-sama," Kintaro finally called. "I'm rather excited with your instrument." Gaara wasn't excited. He wanted to get out of there.

Kintaro presented the bass guitar with a short bow of the head. This will be your sand's new home for the duration of your mission."

Gaara's hair stood on end. What preposterous suggestion was this? His precious sand? Within any other container other than his precious gourd?

"No…" Gaara muttered under his breath.

"Oh don't worry, Gaara-sama," Kintaro said as a follow up. "This guitar was altered by experts taking your jutsu into consideration. We know how important your sand is. Why don't you give it a try."

"No…" Gaara said again.

"Aw c'mon Gaara, don't be such a wuss!" Naruto said from behind. He seemed to have gotten over his sulking. Gaara eyed the exit. Naruto was standing just beside it. _If it comes down to a battle…_

"We figured you can't carry your gourd around while in disguise," Sai said. "Why don't you just try it for now. You don't have to use it if you don't like how it feels."

The kazekage turned and eyed Sai darkly. It was all _his _idea. Gaara looked down at the bass, summoned all his patience and uttered lowly, "it's too small."

"It only looks small from the outside," Kintaro assured. "Do please place a little amount of your sand in and feel around."

Apprehensively, Gaara uncapped his gourd and willed his sand to enter through the round hole of the guitar. It was quite spacious as Kintaro claimed. Before Gaara knew it, all his sand was inside. The old man then carefully handed the bass to him. "Why don't you give it a few plucks," Kintaro said.

Gaara frowned at the suggestion but the expression was muted due to the absence of eyebrows. Pluck at the thing and disturb his sand with an alien noise? Absurd.

Naruto slung his guitar over his neck and strummed the way he saw musicians did it. *Karungngngng* The sound escaped the instrument but it was not as pleasant to the ears as he expected. "See? Nothing to it," Naruto said unconvincingly.

"Ganbare, Gaara-sama!" Lee piped in.

Gaara was not encouraged in the least. He need not be compelled to go along with this 'plan'. A soft pluck just to indulge them then he could simply refuse to use it after. He slowly placed the strap over his neck and held the guitar in position the way Naruto was holding it. He held on to the neck halfway with his left hand then positioned his right hand on the body. With his thumb, he very carefully touched the first string, unbeknownst to him is called the E-string. He feared how the sand inside would react to the sound. For a split second, he considered just squashing every one in the room. He took a deep breath then plucked.

***Gannnnnn…***

Gaara's eyes grew wide. The sand! It was…vibrating with the sound. It was faint but he heard it! He felt it! That deep soothing hum like an ancient bell pealing, like the calming soft whispering wind after a sandstorm, like an old precious memory forgotten and suddenly recalled… It was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, the most glorious feeling he had ever felt!

***Gannnnnn…***

_Mother!_

**つづく**

* * *

**A/N:** Who doesn't like the sound of bass, really? XD

For the unfamiliar, yelling "Mother!" or "Okaasan!" in Japanese is a humorous way of expressing surprised satisfaction. With Gaara, it seems doubly appropriate.

*Sai's reference to scaring a friend - Manjū Kowai (traditional rakugo) – you can look it up

* * *

**Up Next: **

Naruto's fan reception

Gaara, the stud muffin

Sai gets friendly, as usual

Lee and his manly keyboard


	4. Chapter 4

**2013.08.25**

* * *

**4**

*Gan-gan-gan-gan*

*Dan-dan-dan-dan*

*Ban-ban-ban-ban*

"Gaara, would you cut it out already?" Naruto's head was pounding due to the Kazekage's endless plucking since they left Kintaro's shop. He didn't expect the walk on the way to lunch to be so torturous.

"Oh, sorry," Gaara said with a hint of a crooked 'almost' smile. His disposition had undergone a complete turn-around. Kintaro-jiisan said the sound of his bass would be even better once connected to something called an amplifier. _AMPLIFIer, _just the word itself told him what its function was. He did not only hear the pleasant tones that the strings produced, he felt them through his sand that was inside. He was told the tones were called notes. And if he pressed on a string on the neck part as he plucked, it produced a different note. He couldn't wait to learn how to combine notes and turn them into music. Each note itself was already music to his ears (literally).

"Must be feeling really good, huh, you three?" Naruto said resentfully. It was his idea to be a real shinobi rock band. So far, he was the only one who did not get anything out of it. He glanced at the box of shurikens he was holding and sighed. He shouldn't take it out on his friends, he realized. He pulled the manual from his back pocket and psyched himself to start learning how to play as soon as possible.

*gan-gan-gan-gan*

Naruto searched the source of the faint but familiar sound. Gaara purposely lagged behind to mute his bass plucking from the others. _Oh no_, Naruto thought. _We've turned him into a plucking addict!_

"Ah!" Someone gasped by the side of the road.

They turned and saw Sakura gaping at them by the head of an alley. Beside her was Ino with an equally bewildered look. Hinata and Tenten were at either side of them. It was apparently some kunoichi day-out or something.

"Remember guys," Naruto whispered without moving his lips. "Top. Secret. Mission. They only need to know we're gonna be a rock band." _Fangirl reception starts now!_ "Hi girls - "

"Gaara…" Sakura uttered awkwardly. She did not know the Kazekage was in town. "I mean Gaara-sama. Your gourd...where?"

"It's alright," the Kazekage said slowly. "Everyone can just call me Gaara."

_Kakkoiiii! _All four girls gushed inwardly. Indeed Gaara was looking pretty cool with a guitar slung in front of him like that, a vast improvement compared to a pear-shaped gourd.

The reaction did not escape Naruto. _Dammit! _Lee was no threat as far as Sakura's affections were concerned but this guy could be, with that I'm-so-cool-but-I-don't-know-it look of his… especially now that his ridiculous gourd was replaced with a musical instrument. Naruto decided to play it just as cool. He shifted slightly to the side to expose his own guitar that was hanging vertically behind him from the shoulder.

"Sakura-san, this is a keyboard!" Lee blurted out as he rushed to the front blocking Naruto from view.

"Uhm, I know," Sakura said uncomfortably, trying to hide any hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"I mean it's my keyboard. And this is my keyboard guide. I'm going to learn how to play keyboard!"

"Stop saying keyboard, Lee. Aren't those just props?" Tenten said.

Naruto's mouth dropped to the ground. _Busted! _He could feel his face burning.

Lee scratched his head apologetically. "Sorry, Naruto-kun. I told Tenten about the mission when I borrowed her eyeliner yesterday. Naruto's mouth was still agape.

"Yes, we're not going to play music for real," Sai confirmed pleasantly. "We're just tasked to deliver some kind of comedic story on stage while agents investigate a criminal syndicate."

"Aww, that's too bad," Ino said teasingly. "For a while there, you guys looked kinda cool. Oh well. Let's go girls, I'm starving." She turned to be on her way but stopped and turned back for a moment. "We'll be seeing you...Gaara," she purred.

"We're going to have yakiniku," Hinata said faintly. "Would you all like to join us?" she asked even more faintly.

"Yeah, join us," Sakura said. The other girls echoed the invitation.

"No." The refusal was uttered low by a grim-faced Naruto. The humiliation was already too much. For the girls to invite them and for what? To rub it in some more? That was just cold.

"Naruto, what's gotten into you?" Sakura scolded upon reading the boy's sour face. "No one cares, alright? It's just a mission."

Naruto scowled at her but abruptly changed his countenance. "No, I was just...I don't feel like eating yakiniku. You go ahead," he said with a smile.

The girls bade them goodbye then went on their way.

"So you can pull it off too, I see," Sai said.

"What?" Naruto asked irritably.

"Fake smile."

The four boys proceeded to Ichiraku and ordered Naruto's comfort food. Lee apologized again as they were eating.

"It's not your fault," Naruto conceded. "You already met with Tenten even before we decided on it. But Sai, did you have to go and give out details?"

"I thought it would be better if everyone just believed it," Sai shrugged. "It would not be good if the Hokage found out we intend to defy orders and do real shinobi work."

"I see..." Lee said processing Sai's words. "Our mission is to disguise ourselves as entertainers and not act as shinobi but we will actually be shinobi in disguise and be real entertainers."

"Yes," Sai confirmed then addressed Naruto. "Don't worry. You'll get your fans."

"You're right," Naruto said, perking up for the first time since they entered the ramen shop. "The plan is still in place." _You just wait, Sakura-chan. You'll hear of our fame yet._

"Is there a store where I can buy a bass manual? Gaara asked. He had no idea about the odd conversation with the kunoichis earlier or why Naruto suddenly grew sulky. It must have been a Konoha thing.

"Ooh! Gaara's all psyched too," Naruto said. "Yosh, let's head to the local bookstore and get as much material as we can."

"You know where it is? Very good," Gaara said.

"Well no. I never buy books. But Sai would know, right Sai?

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"Woh, woh, look here," Naruto bade his companions over to the music section of the bookstore. "Video tapes. These will make it easier to learn."

Lee rushed over at once to look for a tape on keyboard lessons. Sai took one and handed another to Gaara for his bass. "Here...Gaara," he said.

"Thank you," Gaara said in turn.

"You're welcome," Sai replied pleasantly. He was very happy to be able to make another friend, for surely, Gaara was now officially his friend if Sai was allowed to address him without an honorific. _Now for a nickname..._

Naruto and Lee were currently at the other end of the aisle scouring the shelves for more material. Gaara was reading the blurb on the back cover of the video tape._ The quickest way to play basic bass guitar in a series of easy to understand lessons... ?!… Someone is watching me... Ah, it's Sai...why does he keep glancing this way?... I sense no killing intent though..._

Sai was preoccupied with his own thoughts. _Nickname...I know quite a lot about him as a shinobi but nothing personal. I guess I'll really have to start with his physical attributes…that Ai mark on his forehead...he carved it on himself... but that was when he went crazy... I probably should not use that..._

Gaara decided he had waited long enough. "Is anything wrong?" The question wasn't rude, he hoped. It wasn't really anything, just spoken in the usual low and slow monotone that was the Gaara way.

"No, nothing is wrong," Sai said cheerfully. "I was just thinking of a good nickname for you."

"Nick...name?"

"Friends give each other nicknames."

"They do?"

"I read that in a book. But it's not easy to come up with a nickname. There are risks involved."

"Risks..."

"Yes, I was told one should consider a person's character but when I used that the first time, I got punched in the face. Then I used the opposite on another person and I got punched again..." Now that Sai thought about it, it was Sakura who hit him on both occasions.

"I don't understand," Gaara said.

"I don't either. I find it very difficult. Physical attributes are no better and can involve explosions." Sai recalled how he had to compensate the yakiniku shop long ago due to Chouji's rampage. And all because Ino called him fat, which he was anyway.

Gaara grew very concerned. Explosions drew unpleasant memories of a certain Akatsuki who liked to blow things up. "Then perhaps we should not delve into something so dangerous," he offered.

"Not to worry," Sai assured. "Some people take nicknames well. Just be careful not to say them near combustible substances." He then pointed at the end of the aisle where their two friends were huddled over a magazine that apparently took their fancy. "Naruto calls Lee Gejimayu," Sai informed casually. "Because Lee has thick eyebrows. Lee doesn't seem to mind." He then turned to Gaara again. "You don't have eyebrows."

"..."

"You also have dark lines around your eyes. I learned it's from lack of sleep."

Gaara wasn't sure how to react to all this. Nobody ever spoke to him about his insomnia before or his lack of eyebrows, not even his siblings. Sai delivered everything with a straight face. Well, not exactly straight. He smiled as he spoke. And he was still at it.

"You are also short," Sai continued. "Is that also because of your sleep disorder? Or perhaps it's from lugging that large gourd around."

"Uh…yes…perhaps." Gaara replied. He had not really thought about it before. Surprisingly, he did not feel offended at all. Sai could not possibly say these things to provoke him and risk getting crushed to death with his sand coffin. Nobody could be that stupid.

"Do you still find it hard to sleep even if the Ichibi is no longer inside you?"

"I...guess I just got used to it."

Sai's curiosity seemed to have taken over his initial intent to provide a nickname. "I see..." he murmured contemplatively. Insomnia is unhealthy. He knew this for a fact. It had stunted Gaara's growth for one thing. Since Gaara was his friend, Sai ought to help him. As a former ANBU, he had to go through days without sleep too but he developed a few techniques to switch himself on and off. He should share those with Gaara… But then… that rakugo story showed it was more helpful to do the opposite. Did that apply in this case? Social interaction sure was harder than shinobi work. "Gaara," he began, deciding he should give it a try. "You should drink strong coffee at night."

"Coffee…" Gaara repeated.

"How about Shorty?"

"Shor...ty...coffee?"

"No, I meant for a nickname. Shorty, since you're short. Do you like it?" Sai thought it would be safer to ask first before using it outright.

Gaara did not like it. He could not be any shorter than Naruto. But friends had to have nicknames. "What is Naruto's nickname?"

"Dickless," Sai replied quickly.

"I suppose Shorty is fine," Gaara said after thinking it over. Anything would sound better than Dickless.

Naruto's voice suddenly became audible as he approached with Lee following. "I don't get why you have to buy so much," he said. "You can't possibly bring them all for our trip."

"I will not pack them," Lee said as he struggled to balance the stack of books and tapes in his arms. "I will go through them all tonight. If I don't learn how to play well by tomorrow morning, I will back flip from my place all the way to the harbor while practicing my keyboard."

"Fine," Naruto groaned resignedly before addressing the other two. "Hey, you guys done?"

Gaara looked down on the video in his hand. "I will buy this one...Dickless."

Thus, Naruto's jaw sagged to the floor for the second time that day. Gaara was left five minutes alone with Sai and this was the result. He wondered if Sai would still have that stupid smile on his face with a Rasengan up his ass.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

It was already an hour before sunset when the four exited the bookstore with their purchases. They agreed to each go his way so they could start learning their instruments.

"Well then," Gaara said formally to signal his leave. Fortunately, the inn he was staying at provided a video player in his room. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out how it worked. He had only gone three steps away when he heard Naruto's panic-stricken yelp that prompted him to turn back around.

"Aaah!" Naruto was holding up his video with both hands, eyes filled with desperation. The realization only struck him just then. "I don't have a video player!"

"I don't either," Sai said with less concern.

"How do we watch then?"

"I was thinking of going to Sakura's. I believe she has a player."

"Aaw, not Sakura," Naruto protested. He resolved to have her fawn with admiration at his awesome guitar-playing. It wouldn't do to have her see him struggle to learn. "Didn't you say people were better off believing these are just props?"

"There need not be a connection with the mission," Sai said. "I can simply say I want to learn as a hobby."

"She won't buy it," Naruto said quickly. "She'll ask questions. We'll get busted! We can't!"

"You are correct," Sai agreed. "_We_ can't. If you go with me, we'll be found out immediately. That is why I'm going there alone. I can keep secrets better."

"I have a player," Lee volunteered. "You can watch at my place. Oh, oh! We can have a sleep-over!"

"Sleep-over? Are you a kid?" Naruto protested.

"More importantly," Sai added. "Are you a girl?" He read that girls did sleepovers.

Lee almost had a heart attack, the springtime of his youth slipping with his manly pride. He had no idea his suggestion had that kind of implication. It seemed fun when Tenten talked about it.

"Anyway, aren't you planning to watch your tapes all night?" Naruto said. "How are we going to watch ours?"

Gaara felt he should volunteer his player at the inn but he kind of wanted to have some alone time with his bass. He figured he should just ignore what he heard, turn around and be on his way. He had already taken his leave after all. But before he was able to move a muscle, Naruto's eyes caught his. _Pretend not to notice…_

"Hey Gaara, inns have video players, right?"

_Should I lie? I should lie. There's no reason why I should share my player. I need to train privately. They have to find their own way. I'm the Kazekage! What I say goes! _

And so Gaara graciously offered his player. Naruto managed to convince Sai not to go to Sakura's. And Lee insisted it would be more fun to learn the instruments together but not necessarily consider it a girly sleepover. All four went to Gaara's room with Gaara regretting his inconvenient Kazekage-ness from the onset. But he still ended up ordering room-service dinner for all of them.

**つづく**

* * *

**Up Next: **Stuff that happened on the way to the harbor *snicker* *snicker*

* * *

Innkeeper: I hope you all enjoyed your meal tonight. Is there anything else you want brought in?

Gaara: Coffee


	5. Chapter 5

**2013.09.01**

* * *

**5**

"That was a complete waste of time," Naruto sighed as he trudged the road on the way to the harbor. An attempt to learn together in one room turned out to be a bad idea. He got constantly distracted by Lee's enthusiasm. _'Wah! That's a C, a combination of the white keys here do-mi-so! Oooh! I switch to the black key in the middle and I get C-minor! And then from C, I switch from so to la, look! A-minor! Cool, right?' _Then there's Gaara's endless _gan-gan-gan_ and _Sai's tak-takatak-takataktak_ that went on all night even as Naruto dozed on and off. He woke up that morning with a severe headache. What's worse, he barely managed to memorize three chords before his fingers felt sore. Chords turned out to be as hard to remember as seal formations; there were too many it made him sleepy just looking at the chart! His dream of rock stardom had disintegrated by the time he attempted to finger the F-chord.

*Tak-takatak-takatakatak*

*gan-gan-tak-gan-tak-tak-gan*

"Guys, haven't you had enough?" Naruto reached for his head. He was quite resigned to just fake the playing as originally instructed.

"I think we're sounding much better than when we started last night," Sai said cheerfully, twirling one drumstick effortlessly with his fingers. He discovered that drumming was all about precision and timing, hand and foot coordination, control of his wrists and fingers. In other words, abilities he already had. He was enjoying the beats he produced immensely, and he wasn't even hitting actual drums yet, just a bunch of pillows, books and whatever item was available for hitting inside Gaara's room that night at the inn.

Gaara had his 'almost' smile plastered on his face, equally happy with his own progress. The combination of strings plucked in succession indeed sounded better from his first try. It seemed to him like he was tickling the strings with his fingers and it amused him. And when he slid his fingers over the strings from the neck, it produced a whirling sound that sent his sand to make like they were having a party inside. Gaara didn't need human audience to feel a buzz.

Drinking coffee turned out to be a good tip. He felt even more alert the whole night as he practiced. It was also a pleasant surprise to find that bass went well with drumbeats. Sai seemed to have gotten the hang of his instrument just as quickly as Gaara did his bass. If only Naruto didn't whine so much, he probably would have sounded as decent as the guitar player on video. Gaara had great respect for Naruto as a shinobi and considered him his first real friend. But he was surprised to discover that Dickless lacked patience for studying. At least, Naruto dozing off was a pleasant reprieve from the whining. _Hmm…why is he called Dickless?_ And then there's...

"Lee is only about thirty back flips away from us," Sai noted, inadvertently continuing Gaara's train of thought.

Rock Lee could have learned the notes quicker if he didn't spend so much time gushing over each one. When he got to the exercises, the sound breezed by too fast to be fully appreciated. He sure meant it when he said he'd be the fastest keyboard player around.

"It says something here about speed and volume," Sai offered that night in an attempt to assist him through the manual. Naruto had already zonked out to dreamland by then.

"Oh, I see," Lee said. "1. 2-3-4, 1. 2-3-4."

Lee had improved much after he got the grasp of tempo and dynamics. He even got to jam a tune with Sai and Gaara before the first cock crowed. But being true to form, he went ahead with his promise to back flip to the harbor while practicing his keyboard since he failed to play up to his self-imposed standard.

Naruto was feeling like a complete loser all over again. He heard his friends' jamming session earlier and he thought it pretty good. He hated himself for having nothing to contribute. He rued the fact that he was bad at memorizing stuff.

_'Dobe' _

The nickname echoed painfully in his head. That's right. He was always the last in class, almost didn't graduate from the Academy. And now, the others had improved on their musical skills but not him. And his stupid electric guitar couldn't even be used as a shinobi weapon. *sigh*

"You can learn to play within half an hour, you know," Sai said noticing the jinchuuriki's glum expression. "You can surpass us at any time."

Naruto took it as an attempt to make him feel better forgetting that flattery wasn't in Sai's vocabulary.

"Maybe we'll get hold of a few more guitars when we get to the east," Sai continued.

"How will that help?" Naruto asked bitterly.

"How many chords are there?"

"Too many."

"More than your shadow clones?"

Naruto's eyes grew wide then. How could he have forgotten? Each clone could memorize one chord and he'd get to retain all the knowledge each one gained all at once. There were 175 chords in his chart but only about 60 basic chords are needed to play expertly. He had over a thousand clones! "Sai! You're a genius!"

"It's Kakashi-senpai's idea, remember?"

"Why didn't you remind me sooner?"

"I expected you to remember by yourself," Sai shrugged.

Naruto's ambition of stardom was rekindled. "Where can I find 59 more guitars? No, let's make it two hundred! Twenty five can practice strum no jutsus!"

"We can't get hold of that many guitars here and we have no time," Sai replied.

"But I want to learn now," Naruto insisted.

"We will be at sea for two months," Gaara said. "You can practice the normal way within that time."

"But that's too hard," the dobe whined. "I want to jam along with you guys already."

Sai and Gaara eyed each other at a loss.

"Is he always like this?" Gaara asked.

"Yes. He's like a little child, isn't he?"

"Hey, I'm right here, y'know!" Naruto griped.

*do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do-ti-la-so-fa-mi-re-do*

Lee managed to press all keys in staccato within one back flip and landed on his feet after the last note. He had a wide energetic smile for his friends as he lifted his right hand to them in greeting. His fingers felt sore and rubbery but he didn't slip once, as far as he could tell. "I believe we're a quarter of the way to the harbor," he said excitedly. "That's still at least three hundred fifty back flips away. More time to practice!"

_How does he do it? _Naruto wondered incredulously. _I can't lose! _But it made him sleepy just thinking of memorizing more than three chords a day. That did not include the few thousand other combinations and the different strumming and plucking techniques. How was he to become an expert player by the time they got to the eastern hemisphere? He shook himself hard before despair overtook him. He always managed to find his own method before. He'd think of something. He had to! For the sake of stardom! For the sake of Sakura's affections! For the sake of one-upping Sasuke! For the sake of dobes around the world! But three chords a day made him sleepy…

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"Will he be alright?" Gaara asked referring to a sullen Naruto walking ahead of them.

"Naruto-kun," Lee called suddenly. The moping shinobi turned cheerlessly toward him.

"I could never use ninjutsu," Lee said in all seriousness. "I've come this far as a shinobi through hard work alone. And even now I'm learning to play keyboard with the only ability available to me."

Naruto had his head bowed, the point not quite sinking in.

"Sai-kun and Gaara-kun aren't using any ninjutsu to practice their own instruments," Lee continued. "Aren't you just being lazy and acting a bit spoiled with that attitude?"

The final rebuke took Naruto by surprise but he saw the truth in it and immediately felt ashamed. He was indeed just being lazy. Spoiled was a word he'd never have associated with himself before but coming from Lee, who had to endure shinobi training without the benefit of ninjutsu, he really did act like a spoiled brat insisting on acquiring a skill the easy way. He was also disrespectful of the efforts his friends had put in without complaint. "I'm sorry," he said finally. "You're right," he added humbly. "I'll practice hard from now on. I'll learn even without my clones. I really want to play with you guys."

Sai and Gaara acknowledged him with a nod while Lee's tears of joy streamed down.

"I'm so moved!" Lee bawled. He always wanted to give motivational speeches like Gai-sensei did. "Just keep at it, Naruto! You don't need clones to achieve your dream!"

"Ozu!" Naruto said with sincere resolve.

"Oooy!" Someone called from behind them. They all turned to find an old man coming toward them in a jog-walk-trot pace, occasionally stopping to catch his breath.

"Kintaro-jiisan," they said in unison when they recognized who it was. They rushed to meet him.

"It's a good thing I caught up to you," the old man said in halted breath. "I thought I'd never make it."

"What happened?" they asked with worry. It must have been something serious to make the art supply shop vendor rush to them as he did. They were just about to exit Konoha's rear gate in order to follow the shortest path to Fire's east harbor.

"I seem to have left out something from yesterday," Kintaro said. "Here, Lee-kun."

"For me?" Lee's eyes grew rounder than they already were. "It's a key." A very small key.

"Yes, a key for your keyboard, I suppose. It was in the box with your manual. It's so small I didn't notice until it fell out while I was cleaning up this morning."

"And look, it has a cute little musical note for a key-ring," Lee gushed, eyes forming little heart-notes. He excitedly searched around the edge of his keyboard to find where the key fitted.

"There, near the strap," Sai said getting just as curious.

Lee's chest was pounding with excitement as he inserted the key into the small hole on the top right corner. A faint click was heard when he turned it. Two half-inch holes on both sides of the keyboard opened and out came two metal chains of the same material as was presented to Lee at Kintaro's shop.

"I see," Kintaro said. "The first one is just a sample. You won't have to wear those chains, at least."

The thin chains detached from the keyboard and found their way to Lee's wrists. He leaped up in the air and swirled them like ribbons around him. "Wooooh! I did wish the chain to be longer and now it is! And there are two of them!"

The chains, as if by instinct, uncoiled and self-attached after use then automatically reeled back in. Lee was in cloud nine. "This is perfect for my Lotus! Thank you Kintaro-jiisan!"

"I'll make sure to tell the music shop you are pleased," the old man said happily. "They do have a knack for customizing instruments according to the user but not very good at explaining." He turned his attention to another. "This one's for you, Naruto-kun. I found it inside the box where I took out your shurikens."

Naruto eagerly opened the folded note. He then wondered at the meaning of the hand-written kanji.

**鳥 猿 竜 虎**

"It's says bird, monkey, dragon and tiger," he said.

"Isn't that a seal?" Gaara asked.

"No, it's definitely tiger," Lee replied.

"I think Gaara-sama meant it's a combination hand seal," Kintaro said. Peace time apparently halts brain activity for some of these young shinobi.

"What are they for?" Naruto asked.

"It was packed together with those shurikens. Do you have them?" Kintaro asked.

Naruto fished inside the holster strapped around his leg and took out a bunch of shurikens.

"They're all mixed together," Lee noted.

"There were only four so I kinda just stuffed them together with the rest," Naruto said, a bit embarrassed at having his disinterest exposed. Now he wondered how he could identify the four from the music shop. He spread them on the ground and surveyed in one straight sweep.

Everyone could tell the four shurikens apart at once. The holes were threaded inside and a symbol etched on the surface of each point, a bird on one, a monkey on the other, a dragon and a tiger. Naruto separated them and put the rest back in his holster. "What now?" He asked.

"The shop really isn't much for explanations," Kintaro said apologetically. "They just said to decorate your guitar with them."

Naruto shifted his guitar to face him and noticed four round nobs on the upper left surface. They were almost the size of the shuriken holes and also threaded. "Bird goes first," he said to himself then placed the shuriken over the first nob from the right and screwed it in place. The monkey went next followed by the dragon and finally, the tiger.

"I suppose you'll have to perform the hand seal," Sai said.

A small bead of sweat appeared on Naruto's forehead. He remembered the hand formations for tiger and monkey but couldn't recall bird and dragon. _Dobe!_ He wracked his brain to remember his Academy lessons. Finally swallowing his pride, he asked for help. Gaara demonstrated bird. Sai did the dragon.

"Okay, here goes…" Naruto said taking a deep breath.

_Tori-Saru-Ryu-Tora _

The others watched with anticipation.

"…"

_Tori-Saru-Ryu-Tora_

"…"

"Well?" Kintaro asked after a while.

Naruto stood unmoving apart from his eyeballs that were looking about him as he waited. And…

Nothing.

"Maybe you should play something," Lee suggested. It was a good suggestion. Naruto fingered an easy E-minor and strummed.

"…"

_Tori-Saru-Ryu-Tora_

Nothing.

"I guess I will just have to ask about it," Kintaro said. "Write me a message when you get to your destination so I'll know where to send the information."

"Thank you, Jii-san." Naruto tried to hide his disappointment. He expected the guitar to manifest even a little above being a normal guitar but the shurikens must have really been just for decoration. He appreciated the old man's efforts nonetheless.

Kintaro wished the boys a safe journey before bidding them goodbye. The four resumed their course to the harbor. It would now only take them an hour's walk even at a leisurely pace.

The atmosphere was less than leisurely on the way, however. Naruto's friends could tell he was feeling down again even if he was concealing it on account of Lee's rebuke earlier. They could no longer blame him for it. Kintaro-jiisan unintentionally raised his hopes up for nothing.

"Will he be alright?" Gaara asked for the second time.

Sai didn't like his friends feeling down. "I suppose we should cheer him up." It was one of those things required of friends according to books.

"How?" Gaara asked.

Naruto strummed on E-minor again as he walked. G followed and then D. _Oops._ D didn't sound right. Again. D.

*Em…G…D…Em…G…D...*

_Now C…Uhm…first fret, 4th string, second fret, 2__nd__ string and…3__rd__ fret, must get finger to 1__st__ string…I can do this…*_Kaplunkstrum* _Geh!...I can do this!_

"Naruto," Sai called. "I have something for you." He took out a scroll, one of those used to store stuff for transport. Sai was saving his surprise for later but now seemed like the proper time to bring it out. "Ready?" he asked.

Naruto eyed him suspiciously. "What is it?"

Sai grew excited. He liked giving surprise gifts to friends. "Something you've always wanted," he said smiling his unfake smile.

Something he'd always wanted? Sai couldn't possibly hand him the hokageship…Sakura's heart…or Sasuke admitting defeat. "If you have ramen in there, I don't feel like eating right now."

"Not ramen," Sai said, now piquing everyone's interest. "I've always wondered if there was another reason why you were bent on getting Sasuke back all those years. I only recently figured it out."

"Huh?" Naruto blurted out stupidly.

Sai unrolled the scroll in the air and released the contents. "Fans!" he declared.

"WHAT!?" Naruto shrieked as hundreds of fans showered him. And not just fans, uchiha fans!

"There you go, Dickless," Sai said happily. "You've been saying you wanted lots of fans, right? You need not wait for the audience to give them to you. There's a store in town that happens to sell all kinds...and uchihas are cheap! I thought you'd like the red ones best since you're so attached to Sasuke and all."

"Attached?" Gaara said. "I see. Is that why he's called Dickless?"

"TEME!" A red-faced Naruto muttered under his breath. "I'll get you for this!" How he wished that seal combination enabled some kind of jutsu that would pound Sai to the ground.

_Tori-Saru-Ryu-Tora_

"…"

"Gaah!" As it was, a rasengan up his ass would have to do.

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!"

Two clones emerged and took positions to form the famous chakra-powered ball of energy.

"Naruto!" A surprised Gaara, Lee and Sai yelled at him all at once.

"Don't try to stop me, temera..!...?...Eh?

All of them stood speechless for a few seconds, Naruto the most shocked out of everyone. He turned from the first clone to the second. There was no mistaking it; both had electric guitars slung on them.

"The seal is to make the guitar a part of your body," Gaara voiced out their common realization.

"I can learn to play now…" Naruto said faintly, still somewhat in shock. After a moment…

"Taju kage bunshin no jutsu!"

Five hundred clones popped up, all with guitars. Naruto took out his chord chart.

They had one hour.

**つづく**

* * *

**Up Next: **All aboard! Yonbaka sets sail

* * *

Lee: So much for my motivational speech.

Gaara: At least no more whining.

Sai: I wonder why he didn't like his fans.


	6. Chapter 6

**2013.09.08 **To the 'guest' reviewer who mentioned my "fiery youthfulness": OZU! *thumbs up and a tooth-shimmering Gai-sensei pose* No idea who you are but I probably miss you too. XD Here's more seishun power baka-ness, Chapter 6. Enjoy!

* * *

**6**

(Insert complicated guitar riff here)

*Happy*

It took only fifteen minutes for each of Naruto's clones to master a chord from A-major to D7-sharp9 to G-sustain4. The rest of the hour was spent practicing different strum and plucking no jutsus.

It was a good thing the eastern side of Fire was more land than people. The path to the harbor was practically un-populated, hence more space for guitar-clad clones. This was still within the land of Fire after all. Spotting the antics of random shinobi wasn't so strange for the occasional passerby, even if it was five hundred replications of one. Naruto had merged all acquired knowledge with five minutes to spare.

*Tak. Tak. Tak. Tak*

Sai signaled the timing by clacking his drumsticks together. Gaara followed with a brisk *dun-dun-dun-dun-dun* continuously on E for the intro. Naruto ground his guitar in a rocking melody complimented by Lee's keyboard while Sai continued to tap using his legs as percussion.

The four-minute impromptu ensemble sounded pretty good. No one else was around to hear but it didn't matter. They played for themselves and it felt great.

Naruto realized why the chords wouldn't sink in at the beginning. He worried too much about acquiring technique to impress others that he failed to enjoy what he was doing. When he got over the pressure to learn quickly, he found that playing with passion was just as important in bringing out good music. The others had it from the start, the simple enjoyment of producing music and feeling the rhythm as they went. With enthusiasm, he was even able to discover different techniques naturally on his own. And now, they played in harmony without overpowering each other. They were a team. No, they were a band.

"You're five minutes late," Aoyama said irritably. He pointed at his wristwatch while tapping his foot to emphasize his point. He stood on the mouth of the pier as the four ninjas reached the dock. They apologized for their tardiness. The unplanned jam session on the road did make them late. However, Aoyama did not look at all threatening with his lanky form and bouncy brown frizz.

A small ship was anchored by the edge of the wooden planked pier. For a big-time intelligence agency, YIPIA sure was such a tightwad to charter such rough-looking teeny mode of transport, Naruto thought. He wondered if he'd starve like the last time he was at sea going to Turtle Island. This time, the journey would take much longer sailing the Great Sea beyond the five great country borders.

"You won't need weapons so please leave them here before boarding," Aoyama said, pointing at the shuriken holsters on their legs. "You will be under YIPIA's protection throughout this assignment."

They unstrapped their holsters without qualms and Sai pulled out his tanto. For a supposed agent, they marveled at how naive Aoyama was about shinobi abilities. But they did not need to divulge anything and risk spoiling their plans.

"Err, do we just drop them here?" Naruto asked. There was no one else around and nothing around them but dirt.

"You can leave them with your colleagues," Aoyama replied pointing to the direction of the ship.

"Colleagues?"

"They came by order of Tsunade-san. I thought they would appreciate a tour of the ship. YIPIAI is rather proud of that baby." Aoyama then crossed his arms as he added, "I would have expected you to be at least thirty minutes early. But since you're late, I'm afraid we're out of time."

_Who'd want a tour of __that anyway?_ Naruto thought sarcastically.

They followed Aoyama along the pier toward 'that baby' on the water. Halfway through the planks, they spotted pink emerging from the ship's entryway followed by duckbutt-swept black hair.

"What are you doing here?" Naruto blurted out when Sakura and Sasuke stepped off the boat. Aoyama continued walking past them and got on board.

"The Hokage asked us to check on your departure," Sakura replied then made sure Aoyama was out of earshot before she added, "She also said to tell _you_, _Naruto, _not to do anything stupid."

"Why am I singled out?" Naruto griped indignantly.

"Probably because you do a lot of stupid things," Sai said with a smile.

"Oh yeah? It's your idea to-" Naruto checked himself abruptly.

Gaara gripped his bass hard and fought not to stuff Naruto's mouth with sand. Doing so would equally expose their plan.

"Sai's idea to do what?" Sakura asked suspiciously.

"To bring this," Sai said casually as he pulled out a scroll from his pouch.

_Quick thinking, Sai, _Gaara thought with relief.

"But apparently it was a bad idea," Sai continued. "Here Sasuke-kun, you can have it." He tossed the transport scroll over. Naruto froze.

"What's in it?" Sasuke asked.

"Naruto did not like them but maybe you will," Sai said.

"No he won't, baka!" Naruto leaped to swipe the scroll from Sasuke's hand but Sasuke dodged quickly.

"I see," Lee said. "Uchiha and uchiha!"

Even Gaara deemed Lee's reaction far too delayed but he was somehow glad to know he wasn't the slowest one to follow Naruto's odd issues with the Uchiha.

"Will you two cut that out!" Sakura scolded as Sasuke continued to keep the scroll away from Naruto's reach. She sighed exasperatedly. Why did it seem like she was the only adult in her team? (Senseis included) "Naruto, Sai, just make sure you accomplish your mission properly. Keep out of trouble, you hear? That goes for you too, Lee."

"Hai, Sakura-san!" Lee's eyes formed little pink hearts at having the kunoichi's attention directed at him. The hearts quickly turned to two little white circles when Sakura added, "Gaara-san, please watch over these three idiots for us."

Gaara gave a dignified short nod though he felt slightly guilty for actually being an accomplice, but only slightly guilty as he was largely looking forward to getting into shinobi action with his bass and the three idiots.

Aoyama stuck out his head from the boat's entrance and announced, "It's time."

"Gaara gave a final acknowledgement to the two ninjas to be left behind.

"Until our return, Sakura-san, Sasuke-kun," Lee said.

Naruto had no choice but to leave the blasted scroll in Sasuke's hands. _It's okay. Transport scrolls need a seal key to open. Sai hasn't told him yet. Must distract him._ "Last one on board is a rotten egg!"

"Challenge accepted!" Lee declared as he zoomed past.

"Hey! Hey!" Naruto called after him and made a dash for it, inadvertently getting distracted by his own distraction. Sai just watched them, not at all buying the claim that he'd be a rotten egg just for getting on board last. In the first place, he was a shinobi, not an egg. He walked at a normal pace to the boat. "Let's go, Shorty," he said.

"Eep!" Sakura squeaked. "Sai, hold it right there! Come back here!"

Sai went back as bidden while Gaara continued on his way.

"You call Gaara _Sh-Shorty_?!" Sakura asked with a flabbergasted look glued on her face.

"Yes."

"He's the Kazekage!"

"I'm aware of that. But we have transcended formalities since he is now my friend, and friends require nicknames."

"Yes, he's a friend. That's why we can call him Gaara but...Shorty?! He's kazekage. Would you call...say...Danzou-san…bandage-head?"

"No, I will not," Sai replied. "For the same reason I will not call Tsunade-sama Big Boobies. They are my superiors whom I had not had the opportunity to establish friendship with. On the other hand -"

"No! No 'on the other hand'! You. Are not. To call him Shorty. Call him Gaara if you want but that's it. No nicknames. Do you understand?"

"..."

"Fine, you don't have to understand. Just... _don't!_"

"Alright. I have to go." Sai smiled then gave a quick wave. "Enjoy your gift, Sasuke-kun."

All four aboard, they peered from the entrance and waved their goodbyes as the ship motored off. Sakura waved back while mouthing, "Itterashai!"

"Yo, usuratonkachi," Sasuke called out. "There's no use carrying that guitar around if you can't even play."

For a split second, Naruto entertained the idea of leaping on top of the ship with his guitar and show his two teammates what he was now able to do but..._Nah...I don't need to prove anything anymore. Not now anyway. _He just shrugged and waved. Sasuke gave a short wave back with a little smile. It was still fun to challenge the dobe even if he wasn't such a dobe anymore.

"Sai..." Naruto called worriedly. "You didn't give Sasuke the seal to open the scroll, did you?"

"No, I didn't," Sai replied pleasantly to which Naruto exhaled in relief. "I only use seals for important items. He just has to unscroll it." Sai then pointed at the steadily shrinking view of their two friends. "See there?"

From a distance they could see uchiha fans showering the Uchiha.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Sasuke's scream of terror echoed loud from the pier. He would probably need a lot of therapy after that.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"Here we are," Aoyama announced after about ten minutes.

"Huh? We got there already?" Naruto asked incredulous. They wondered if some form of space-time jutsu was used to make the instant trip possible. They peeked out and found a much larger ship awaiting them outside. The pier from where they came was still visible from a far distance.

"This is not the ship we will sail on then?" Gaara asked.

"Of course, not," Aoyama said with one raised eyebrow. "This is just a tender. YIPIA's ship is far too huge to anchor close to shore. Besides, we can't possibly survive a two month trip at sea in this thing." _These rural folk are so naive, _he sneered inwardly. _I bet they can't even swim. _

Aoyama's ignorant assumption aside, he did have reason to be proud of his agency's impressive sea transportation. It had the amenities of a cruise liner as Aoyama so eagerly divulged while alighting the tender to transfer to the bigger ship. He went on and on with Naruto at his tail followed by Gaara, then Sai, then...

"I feel sick..."

They turned back around to find a blue-faced Lee covering his mouth with one hand and holding on to his stomach with the other.

"What?" Aoyama asked with irritation as he marched toward Lee. "You've only been at sea for about ten minutes and seasick already?"

"I umph sho-rry, Ao-yama-shan...I bwahurghhaaaghh..."

Everyone took a step back...except Aoyama. He was frozen in place, far too shocked at having been sprayed with Lee's regurgitated dinner of the previous night.

_It's Gai-sensei all over again,_ Naruto groaned.

Hence, the initial tour of the magnificent ship, with features Aoyama had been eager to boast of, abruptly came to an end. The four ninjas were led to their separate cabins by a crew member just as the ship began its eastern course. They did not meet Aoyama again until lunch.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"Lee, we gotta go," Naruto knocked on the door as Sai and Gaara looked on. They were told to proceed to the banquet hall at noon but Lee had not come out of his cabin as yet.

"Perhaps he still feels ill," Gaara suggested.

"Lee!" Naruto called again. "Oh look, it's open," he said after he turned on the door knob by chance. He strode right in followed by the others.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Naruto screamed.

Gaara's eyes almost bulged out of their sockets. _The horror!_

"I believe he is drunk," Sai observed flatly.

"You believe he's _drunk_?" Naruto asked incredulously. "Really? That's the first thing you noticed?"

"Why if it ishn't my three ultra-hip band nakama." A droopy-eyed Lee with flushed cheeks greeted them all smiles and clearly, unmistakably, undeniably stark naked in the middle of the room. In fairness, he wasn't completely exposed. His keyboard guitar was slung on and covering precious parts below his waist.

"Eeeyaaaaah!" A female voice shrieked from outside the open door. They turned to find a lady covering her eyes with her hands. She was one of the cabin crew basing on her uniform. Gaara, Sai and Naruto leaped and stood stiffly side by side to cover the forbidden sight from her view. It was even more awkward since Gaara and Naruto each had his own guitar slung behind him. The necks of the guitars crossed above Sai's head while Sai stood in the middle holding up his drumsticks unintentionally like a microphone. It was the weirdest position the three ever found themselves in.

"Sorry, miss," Naruto said awkwardly. "It's not what you think. Just…uh…"

"I'm sorry," the girl apologized in turn with hands still over her face. "I didn't mean to see. I mean, I just came to see how Lee-san was feeling. I gave him some medicine for motion sickness."

"Medicine?" The three looked at each other then back at Lee. A small dark bottle was lying sideways on top of a side table. _He drank it all!_

"That's probably it," Naruto said. What were the odds of anti-emetics having a similar effect as sakè on the green beast? (Except he was not green at the moment, more like light tannish pink).

"At least he's not showing signs of tearing the ship apart," Sai said.

"Wahoooooh!" droopy-eyed Lee cheered. *Fighting crane stance* "I, Rock Lee, Yonbaka's fresh and shiny keyboardisht, will now play for your pleasure, lovely misshy, for making me feel sho much better. And a 1 and a 2 and a-"

And just as Lee was about to lift the keyboard from his ***bleep***

"SHUT THE DOOR!" A panic-stricken Naruto yelled.

Sai raced to the entrance and smiled sweetly to the girl. "Excuse us, miss. As you can see, he's doing quite fine. We'll bring him down later." He shut the door completely and turned to find Naruto struggling to keep the keyboard in place.

"Gaara, find a robe!" Naruto ordered. "Gaara!... Gaara?"

Gaara was no longer where he stood earlier. Instead, a huge ball of sand was floating by the side of the wall near the door.

"Aw, Gaara, c'mon! Help me!"

The ball remained solid in place. Gaara need not see anymore than he already had. He would just stay inside his protective sand covering, pluck at his bass and forget these disturbing images. *gan-gan-gan-gan-gan…*

**つづく**

* * *

**Up Next: **Our gallant ninjas meet their…uhm…match?

**A/N:** "Challenge accepted!" Yeah, coz Lee is hip like his sensei...There, there, Sasuke-kun. Pull your thumb out of your mouth. Here's a lolly.

* * *

Naruto: SOMEBODY HELP ME!

Lee: Let's ROOOOOCK!


	7. Chapter 7

**2013.09.15 **

* * *

**Nautical Terms:**

**Aft** - direction toward rear part of a ship; **Port** - left side of ship; **Cabin** - room; **Galley** - kitchen area; **Gangway** – passageway

* * *

**7**

The head chef fidgeted nervously from the galley where he labored all morning to prepare his gourmet meal. His assistants reported that none of the five people in the banquet hall looked even slightly pleased. The chef was, of course, unaware of what transpired that morning up on deck and inside Rock Lee's cabin. _They hate the food. I'm going to get fired! _

There was indeed an awkward silence at the long table despite the array of delectable dishes served for lunch. Aoyama tried to appear composed and made no mention of the free masticated food shower he received early morning courtesy of Lee. He sat straight and stiff at the head of the table as he sliced at his steak delicately. But he could not help to occasionally frown at little head flashes of the unpleasant incident earlier up on deck. The chef gasped from behind the glass window of the galley door. _Aoyama-sama is not satisfied with the steak. Is it not tender enough? It's medium rare as he ordered. And I made sure the marinade is perfect! Why does he frown at the steak? _

Naruto looked tired and didn't seem to have the slightest appetite. He would shift the food around his plate and occasionally took a bite. He was still traumatized from having to single-handedly chase Lee around the cabin. It took ten clones to catch him and pin him down. Naruto had to work through a fair amount of Lee's leg-wiggling just to get him into his green spandex. _Eew, _Naruto winced at the memory. His pained expression did not escape the chef's eyes. _He cringed at my food. Why? Why?_

Lee had sobered down but was still feeling a bit loopy. He was currently staring at his food and imagining that the little peas were gearing up for war against the fried shrimps and cherry tomatoes. _They're just helpless little peas…Don't worry my fellow green friends. Konoha's beautiful green beast will come to your defense! _Lee quickly grabbed his fork and lunged at a cherry tomato, splattering its red juice on his plate. The chef watched him eagerly. _Yes, taste it. It's fresh. It's…huh? Is he about to cry? Oh no! He doesn't like tomatoes?! I hand-picked them myself. They're organic! _Lee realized the little tomato didn't mean the peas any harm…and he just killed it.

Gaara had not said a word since coming out from inside his ball of sand. He was chewing quietly, occasionally humming an inaudible tune to himself. He would always be grateful to his mother for the gift of ultimate defense. Who would have thought her son would someday be protected from a nasty streaking spectacle? _Indeed, mothers know best. _His mommy truly loved him dearly.

Sai was sampling the sushi toro and enjoying the meal immensely but then both he and Gaara wore their usual emotionless expressions, thus, depriving the chef even a little relief from his worries. Naruto had asked Sai to help him earlier but none of Sai's book-acquired learning or even his ANBU training taught him how to handle such a situation. He didn't sense any danger from Lee to have the urge to neutralize him so he left it to Naruto to take care of the matter. Sai just wore his fake smile to keep his eyes tightly shut through it all.

Aoyama cleared his throat to break the long silence. He was the agent in this bunch after all, their leader, their talent manager, among other things. He had to set the example in maintaining the utmost degree of composure and professionalism.

"You will start rakugo training immediately after lunch. I hope you are all prepared," he said after dabbing a table napkin on his mouth.

Naruto, Gaara and Sai nodded apprehensively, recalling for the first time since the day before what they were actually tasked to do. Lee smiled groggily and let out an uncharacteristically faint "hai" as he tried (but failed) to remember what rakugo was.

*BLAG*

"Eeeeee!" Someone screamed from inside the galley.

"Chef!" Someone else yelled.

The head chef's poor heart could not take the agony any longer.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"He's going to be alright," Aoyama informed a half-hour later coming out of the ship's infirmary. "Apparently, we were all rather lacking in the appreciation of his culinary efforts. I assured him the food was quite satisfactory."

"Oh, okay," Naruto replied. They all made a mental note to show a bit more enthusiasm come dinner time.

Aoyama led the four ninjas up a stairway back to the upper deck and through the gangway on the port side. With a clear view from above, they realized they were already far out at sea with only the sky and the darker shade of navy blue expanse of water visible around them.

Lee was starting to act more like himself. The effect of the anti-emetic drug seemed to have gone down. Surprisingly, he didn't feel sea-sick at all, that is, as long as he kept his eyes away from the motion of the waves. His initial bout must have been from riding the tender. This ship was so large it was as if he was back on dry land...as long as...he didn't..._Hagruhrmph...hold it in. Don't look outside._

"By the way," Aoyama began as he continued walking toward aft, "I notice you have your musical instruments with you. You need not carry them all the time. They are just props after all. You will need to focus more on rakugo from here on. You can leave them at the-"

The last bit trailed off like a fading hollow noise as Gaara's nerve endings stiffened, much like how he reacted when it was suggested he abandon his gourd the first time. Now this man wanted to take away his beloved bass slash gourd substitute.

"We don't mind," Naruto said quickly. "We like carrying them around."

"I see," Aoyama uttered cluelessly still walking ahead of them. "You want to stay in character. That's good. It shows your dedication. Very well. You might as well also dress the part. Someone will take care of that later. First, down here please."

They descended another set of steps and proceeded through a dimly lit aisle framed by metallic walls and ceiling. They heard the echo of men's bickering from further down. The conversation became clearer as they approached.

_"It was your stupid idea, bakayero."_

_"You went along with it, you nitwit. If I carried it out on my own, it would've succeeded."_

_"You're both stupid."_

_"No, you three are stupid. I told you we had to -"_

_"Shh! Someone's coming."_

The heels of Aoyama's leather shoes clacked loudly on the wooden floor until they got to a row of cells with silver metal bars.

"Wow, you have prisons inside the ship?" Naruto said in awe.

"Yes, we occasionally have to transport criminals overseas, though this is the first time we've sailed this far out," Aoyama informed. He resisted the urge to boast about the advanced technology used to maintain tight security around the enclosures.

The four prisoners gasped as the faces of the newcomers came to view. "Nooo way!"

The young ninjas stared back curiously but showed less reaction.

"These men are the original Yonbaka," Aoyama introduced.

"Eh?!" Naruto uttered in disbelief. "But...they don't look like us at all," he said voicing out his nakama's thoughts.

Three of the men had brown hair of varying lengths, shades and textures quite different from their supposed ninja look-alikes. The fourth was completely bald. They all had the same gray eyes as Aoyama and they were definitely much older than they looked in the photograph.

"They look exactly like us," one of the men said in contrast. "How did you...?"

"You should never have underestimated YIPIAI," Aoyama declared. "These boys don't even need wigs or contact lenses to look like our stage act…Uh…" He suddenly turned to the group at his side. "Those are your real hair color, right?" Four shinobi heads nodded. "And real eye color?" Again, confirmed. "See?" he said triumphantly to the incarcerated men. "And he," he pointed at Gaara, "does not even need eyeliner around his eyes…though he'll need it above them."

"You mean they wore fake hair and they ended up looking like us?" Naruto asked.

"And tinted contact lenses," Aoyama supplied. "Thick eyeliner hides the slight differences in the shapes of their eyes. If you will look closely, their other features are quite similar to yours. The shape of your faces are the same, mouths and noses nearly so. Thick make-up made them look younger. At least, we won't need much in your case. The coincidence is very uncanny but fortunate on our part." He shifted his focus back and forth to compare other differences. "Sai-kun will need to get a tan."

"Aoyama-san," Taiko, a curly-haired one that was supposed to look like Gaara called feebly. "I didn't want to go along with it! I'm innocent! They dragged me forcibly! Please let me go!"

Gaara still could not picture any of these men as looking like him, especially not this one who was sniveling like a coward. Taiko reminded him of ninjas begging for mercy just as they were about to get crushed with his sand coffin.

"You were all caught in the act and proven guilty," Aoyama said sternly. "Now fulfill your end of the condition or you will spend the rest of your lives in jail." Four dejected faces mumbled weak assents.

"I suppose they're the ones who will teach us rakugo, correct?" Sai deduced.

"That's right," Aoyama replied. "For the next two months, you will learn how to deliver rakugo professionally as they did."

"Oh, then we are in your care," Lee said. "Yoroshiku onegaishimasu," he added with a bow.

"Yeah," Kota snarled. He resembled Lee with his round eyes but they drooped sleepily like he was drunk. They did open fully when he was surprised earlier. He had a very short crew cut and a gangster-like demeanor. "You have to call us shishou from here on, y'hear?"

"Hai, Shishou!" Lee said.

"Shishou?" Saku slurred disdainfully. He was supposed to look like Sai but it was hard to tell at the moment given that he had a moustache and a beard. "Ha! We're definitely the _shishou!_ We definitely got shishou-ed. This is the end of our careers!" His voice was thin and high-pitched, quite in contrast to his physical appearance.

"I see," Sai said after a brief reflection. "Instead of shishou to mean 'master to an apprentice', you are referring to the word meaning 'casualty' and used the word again to refer to getting 'stabbed'."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Saku said while rolling his eyes.

Sai took note of the address. "My name is Sai," he said smiling. "And I am not the one assigned as captain for this mission...but I will not be a shishou. Of course, by that I mean 'a hindrance', Shishou." Sai read about synonyms. He was amused to be able to use them in this way.

Saku raised one eyebrow and rolled his eyes again. It ticked him off that this kid used puns in such a deadpan and condescending manner. _So Aoyama brought in professionals as replacements. _"Tsk!" He pulled out a rubber band from his pocket and tied his shoulder-length hair in a pony-tail then walked over to a lower bunk beside the back wall to stretch out and scratch his beard.

"Oy, Aoyama!" Ryo, Naruto's supposedly bald look-alike called lazily in a raspy voice. He had a toothpick between his teeth. "Ya sure about this? They may look like Yonbaka but they seem a little wet behind the ears. Why doncha just give us another chance, eh? They're just a clueless bunch of kids who will surely screw up the act."

"Kids?" Naruto's veins protruded from his temples. "Kids? Teme -"

"Naruto," Gaara stopped him by placing a hand on his shoulder just as he was about to charge forward.

Naruto suddenly remembered their positions. It was not the time to show anyone who or what they were. They would have to bear the insults and do their best to learn rakugo from these strange men.

Aoyama observed everything calmly. The introduction went roughly, as to be expected. Three of the original Yonbaka members were former thugs who could create trouble later. The other one was a petty thief. He was aware the replacements knew something about self-defense but they still looked too young and scrawny to be any good. And they did leave their weapons back at the pier. In any case, they were his responsibility. Should any of the four older men act violently toward the younger boys, he was only too willing to show them his martial arts moves. He studied karate and jujitsu at YIPIAI Academy. He did not particularly excel in either one but a few authentic-looking gestures should put the miscreants in their place. "Now remember," he said, addressing those in the cell. "The electronic bracelets on your wrists enable us to monitor your whereabouts at all times so do not even think of escaping."

"Hmph! Like we could," Saku snorted. "There's nothing around for leagues but sea water."

Aoyama pressed a button on the wall. The cell opened and released the prisoners.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Two hours later...

Naruto, Gaara, Lee and Sai stood side by side inside a make-up room, dressed in glam rock outfits and shiny kimonos like in the photograph they initially saw. They were face to face with what seemed to be their own reflections... except they weren't. Sai's pseudo-reflection was particularly odd because it had a beard.

Ryo, Taiko, Kota and Saku had donned their wigs, worn contact lenses, put on heavy make-up and dressed in similar outfits. They were equally observing their counterparts before them.

"Saku-san, won't you shave, please?" The resident make-up artist begged.

"What for?" Saku replied harshly. "It's not like I'm gonna perform live on stage again."

"We might," Ryo said with a sinister smile, looking much like an evil Naruto now except his forehead was still heavily lined despite the make-up. He stretched out the bandana he was holding and tied it around his head effectively covering his age.

"Wow," Naruto gawked at the resemblance. His whisker markings were hidden behind lightly dabbed foundation.

"I've finally conjured a clone!" Lee said excitedly.

"For the last time, Lee," Naruto said impatiently. "He's not a clone and you can't conjure anything."

"Clone?" The non-shinobi men asked.

"No, no, it's just a joke," Naruto said. "Can't you tell?"

"It's not funny," Kota grunted.

"Please don't glare at me like that," Taiko blubbered. Gaara couldn't help it. He wasn't trying to be scary. It just didn't amuse him to have a pitiful version of himself standing so close. And now that he was sporting eyebrows, his emotions were showing more clearly.

"Alright, out you go now," the make-up artist said to them. "Aoyama-san is waiting for you."

They were soon led into a theater with rows of seats lined up in four columns. There was a wide curtained stage at the farthest end that covered the whole width of the hall, but rakugo only required minimal space. A 12-panel wooden divider six meters across stood at the center for this purpose. A purple sitting pillow and a folding fan beside it lay on top of a rectangular mat on the stage floor. A low old-fashioned microphone in front completed the theme.

Sai's eyes were immediately drawn, not on the rakugo setup, but on the drum set five meters right of the divider. Nearer the edge were speakers and amplifiers. Microphones on stands were lined in front of three guitar stands scattered in equal distances in front of the drums. Even Naruto, Gaara and Lee instinctively focused on this part of the stage.

"I call dibs on the middle guitar stand," Naruto said with a sparkle in his eyes.

"That's fine," Gaara said. "I don't need a stand. My bass is staying on me at all times."

"Then I'll have the one on the left," Lee said.

"I wonder if I can give those drums a try," Sai mused aloud.

"Ahem!" Aoyama cleared his throat to get their attention. "Don't mind those for now. We will begin your rakugo training."

They shifted their gaze to the rakugo stage on the right and then longingly back at the musical stage on the left. They then heard loud snickering beside them.

"What, you think you're gonna be some kind of rock band?" Saku mocked. "Is that why you're holding on to those instruments like they're your ticket to stardom or somethin'?"

"Hehehe. These kids don't know what they're in for," Kota chimed in.

"Silence!" Aoyama said. "You will train them properly or you get no reprieve."

The men grumbled. "Fine," Saku said scowling. "Let's start with a simple one, Manjū Kowai, heard of that one?"

"Yes, they have," Aoyama replied.

"We have?" Naruto asked his friends in a whisper.

"Aoyama-san showed us the video but you slept through it," Sai whispered back.

"I did?"

"Actually," Lee said, also whispering. "You slept through everything."

"I…did."

"Alright, let's see how you do it," Ryo said. "You," he pointed at Naruto.

"Me? Why me? Aren't you supposed to show us how to do it?"

"You already heard the story, right? Let's see how you tell it first," Saku said in his high-pitched voice. "Now hurry! Up on stage. The other three will have their turns."

"Uh…hold on…I'll just…" Naruto turned to Sai beside him and whispered in panic. "This is bad. Quick, how does it go?"

"Don't worry," Sai said smiling. "It's pretty simple."

**つづく**

* * *

**Up next: **Intermission chapter: Manjū Kowai (featuring surprise guests)

**A/N:** The rating will have to change from K+ to T from thereon for minor suggestive adult content. We're gonna change gears, kiddies. Til next week!


	8. Chapter 8

**2013.09.22**

**A/N:** Rakugo is told orally hence it relies on the story-teller's amusing way of narration. It can have different versions but the main idea of each tale will always be the same. Interestingly enough, the punch-line doesn't matter at all because the audience is expected to already know what's coming, which makes this intermission chapter necessary. Please know that I'm exercising a wide degree of licence with this version. Let's hope the rakugo purists don't find out. If you don't get some aspects, good for you. Cheers! ~Yui

* * *

**8**

**Manjū Kowai**

"I'm Scared of Manjū"

Akatsuki Version

by Yui

Hunting jinchuurikis was no picnic. They're never docile, always resisting. They're also whiny and angsty with their personal issues that Akatsuki didn't particularly give a rat's ass about. It was a tiresome, mundane task, especially since, even before they got to engage in any action, they had to travel long boring rough roads and climb rocky hills for weeks and months in search of the wily vermin. And when they did find a jinchuuriki, they had to hold back the constant urge to kill it despite its endless emo tirade on being unloved (boo-hoo) and an outcast (la-dee-da). Orders were to keep it alive so they had to leave it just enough breath for the bijuu extraction ritual. It was always pleasant relief when those blasted jinchuurikis finally lose consciousness and shut the hell up, the things an evil organization had to put up with, seriously.

Naturally, Akatsuki members occasionally needed to kick back their sandals, retouch their nail polish and take time out for some decent R&R. Good thing they had lots of money to spare, all thanks to Kakuzu and his expert financial management skills. But he would not splurge, no way! _"If you want a facial or a massage service, you'll have to pay for it yourself," _was his constant warning. _"And don't you dare take anything out of the mini-bar! That's the tray in the room with the chocolates and potato chips, you idiot. I mean you, Tobi! That's also the little refrigerator under the cabinet. Under no circumstance are you to consume anything inside, not the sodas, not the beer and not that ridiculously expensive Avian water! Take only the complimentary stuff. And pack all left-over toilet paper and free shampoo before we check out." _Lastly_, _Kakuzu demanded that they all go to only one place at a time to avail of group discounts.

For one such vacation, it was agreed that they would go to an onsen. This time though, only five of the members were game, namely, Sasori, Kakuzu, Deidara, Hidan and Tobi. Pein and Konan seemed to prefer to stay in Amegakure and work. "Right..._work_," Hidan had said to them with a wink and malicious grin. "Have fun _working_, you two."

Kisame had insisted on going to the beach but decidedly lost to votation as everyone else preferred the hot springs. He stormed off the tower but left a large puddle out front just to spite the others, as if puddles were uncommon in a village that had nothing but rain.

Itachi, for his part, swore he'd rather be trampled by a thousand bijuus than spend any more time with this bunch of freaks than he already had to, so he locked himself up in his room and tuned in to 24-hour easy-listening music station on the radio.

"You just wanna stay here to peep at knob face and the paper doll, doncha?" Hidan yelled from behind the door.

"Are you gonna use your Byakugan to x-ray view their wall, Itachi-chi?" Tobi asked _innocently._

"That's Sharingan, you moron!" Itachi heard Deidara say. "And Itachi's not interested in watching some boy-girl action. Everyone knows he's gay. Isn't that right, Itachi-chan, yeah?"

Hidan, Tobi and Deidara quickly pressed an ear on Itachi's door. Akatsuki had an ongoing bet on who could provoke Itachi bad enough to make him express anything above a blank stare.

No luck. Konoha's currently Most Wanted rogue nin just turned up the volume of his radio to muddle the noise outside. Christopher Cross was on. '_Sailing...takes me away...' _the song went.

"Oy! What are you three doing there?" Sasori barked lowly from the end of the hall, his voice modulated to Hiruko's gruff tone. "You know how I hate waiting." The three being addressed turned their heads to find a very cute looking redhead trying very hard to glare at them but failing...epically. He was just so adorably cute that they constantly got the urge to squeeze his chubby rosy cheeks whenever he was out of his monstrosity of a puppet. But they knew well enough not to mess with the old master of the Red Sand. And the chubby cheeks would be hard to squeeze anyway, being made of wood.

And so, five members of Akatsuki traveled to an onsen somewhere in Mizu no Kuni and soaked themselves silly in the common baths till sundown. Even with a cold towelette on his head, Hidan had passed out from the heat twice. Kakuzu sat on him as he lay under water until he was roused by the hot liquid that passed through his nostrils. He struggled and choked, not to death since he couldn't die, just with the eternal sensation of dying but failing to. Deidara accidentally sniffed up spring water as he laughed, sending him to cough incessantly as tears ran down his cheeks. Then his other mouths swallowed water and were coughing as well. Tobi giggled profusely at the scene.

"Oy, time to go. Dinner will be served soon," Sasori said as he climbed out of the water and headed to the clothes rack by the wall. "Don't make me wait," he added after he had donned a robe. He then headed straight toward the exit and back to the common room.

"Hey, hey," Hidan whispered. "Did you see that?"

"Actually," Kakuzu said. "I didn't see anything."

The zombie-combo laughed hysterically at their own jibe. "Woody's got no woody! Ahahahahaha!"

"Oy, have some respect," Deidara berated with a serious expression. "He probably just ran out of wood...yeah," he dead-panned, then he laughed and coughed up more spring water.

"I don't get it," Tobi said.

"That's because you don't got wood either," Deidara said and that sent Hidan to flip over with laughter and hit his head on a large rock behind him, knocking him out cold once again. Kakuzu eventually had to drag him by the foot back to the inn, not really caring that there were more rocks on the path to knock the jashinist's head a few times over.

So finally, all five were gathered inside a private room and were chatting over drinks and sushi. Heady from the hot springs and tipsy from alcohol, the discussion (more like arguments) had gone from the real definition of art to the proper way of ripping out human hearts to the benefits of jashinism (to which Hidan got pelted with assorted nuts from a bowl). They also talked about the things they loved – puppets, money, bombs, self-mutilation, etc – to the things they hated, or more accurately, things that scared them. Sasori said fire, Kakuzu admitted to disliking scarecrows, Deidara, hated trips to the dentist, and Hidan adamantly owned up to cringing at the sight of bunnies.

Tobi had remained quiet for a while and was sitting by himself in a corner with his back to them. He had gone and sulked there after Deidara referred to his head as an abandoned beehive.

"Oy, Tobi, how about you," Hidan called in an attempt to include the other in the conversation. Hidan was such a softy that way. Or not. He just wanted someone else to be the butt of jokes other than him, and Tobi was such an easy target. "What scares you the most?"

"What's the matter? Bees flew off with your tongue?" Deidara mocked to which the others laughed.

"Ha!" Tobi blurted out surprising the others. "I can talk. I was just thinking what a bunch of scaredy cats you all are," he jeered as he turned around and faced them with arms crossed. The rest looked at each other, confused at the sudden bold outburst. "Sasori-senpai, you say you're scared of fire," Tobi said as he walked up to the puppet master and pointed. "It's nothing plain water can't handle! And you, Kakuzu-senpai. Scarecrows? Pfft! It's just an old sack stuffed with straw! Deidara-senpai, if you're so afraid of the dentist, you should brush your teeth more often! Hahahaha! And you, Hidan, bunnies? Such cute little things, you have to be kidding me!"

"Well, it's not like I'm _scared_ scared," Sasori said defensively. "It's just that my puppets are delicate things. It's hard to get hold of certain parts once they're lost."

"I've never liked scarecrows," Kakuzu said. "They don't have hearts for one thing."

"Tobi-yero," Deidara gritted his teeth, all four sets of them. "One of these days, I'm gonna show you my art up close, yeah? Very. Close."

"You act like you're so fearless," Hidan said this time. It wasn't his fault that bunnies were such incomprehensibly fluffy, nose-wiggly things that gave him the hibbiejibbies. Plus, he mistook their poop for a chocolate-coated candy once and ate it. And what was up with Tobi addressing everyone else senpai but not him? "How about you, huh?" he shot back. "What are you afraid of? Let's see if it's actually scarier than ours."

"Hmph!" Tobi crossed his arms and turned his back to them. "I'd rather not say."

"Oy! That's not fair," Deidara protested. We told you the things that scared us most and you look down on us. You should tell us yours then we'll know you're not all talk."

"I don't want to. You'll just laugh."

"No, we won't," Sasori promised. "Tell us."

"…Fine...The thing is... I'm scared of…manjū."

"Manjū?" Kakuzu repeated. "As in the rice cake bun stuffed with red bean jam?"

Tobi's confirmation was followed by vigorous laughter from the other Akatsuki. "Hey! You said you wouldn't laugh!"

"How can we not, moron?" Hidan replied. "Who would be scared of something like manjū? It's just food. And what's more, it's so tasty."

"I don't get it either, alright? Just thinking about it makes me shiver."

More laughter ensued. "You go laugh all you want," Tobi said resentfully. "I'm going to sleep." He stood up, stomped over to the connecting room and closed the shoji screen behind him.

"The idiot," Hidan piped in again. "Acting like he's so high and mighty. He probably dreams of becoming the Juubi's jinchuuriki one day or something and rid the world of evil manjū." The others guffawed at this and pitched in their own potshots at their comrade.

"Hey, I have an idea," Deidara said in a low voice. "He was so arrogant earlier that I think we should teach him a lesson." They whispered among themselves and agreed that they would buy a bunch of manjū and scare Tobi off his stupid mask. "It makes him shiver just thinking about it. Imagine how he'll be if he saw the real thing," they snickered. Kakuzu was more than willing to shell out dough for such a wicked purpose.

A while later, Hiruko silently entered the small sleeping quarters. The others watched excitedly from outside as Sasori maneuvered it to place a basket of assorted manjū beside the lightly snoring Tobi. When Sasori got his puppet safely outside, he carefully shut the shoji screen behind him. "Tobi, wake up!" Hidan then shouted from the main room. "Oy, Tobi-yero, wake up!"

"What? What is it?" Tobi muttered as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "I was having such a good dream *ho-hum* about infinite tsukoyom- Aaah! What's this? M-m-manjū?!" His friends muffled their laughter outside.

"Oh no…I'm so scared… *nom-nom*… different…flavor…manjū… kowai~ *nom-nom*… Eeew how awful… chestnut man*nom*jū… so kowai~ *nom-nom-nom* strawberry manjū… mmm… kowai~

"Oy, oy," Kakuzu whispered. "Something's wrong. He doesn't sound scared at all." He opened the shoji screen an inch. Heads on top of each other, they peeked in and witnessed Tobi about to take a greedy bite at the last manjū, muttering 'kowai kowai' pretentiously but looking very satisfied.

"Tobi!" Hidan growled as he slammed the screen wide open. "You tricked us, didn't you?"

"You sneaky little bastard," Deidara snarled. "Tell us the truth! What are you really scared of?"

"Uhm…" Tobi mumbled while scratching his head. "The truth is…" He swallowed the last of the manjū and licked his lips. "I think…right now, I'm really scared of…hot green tea."

_~Owari~_

* * *

**Back to our regular programming…**

**Up Next:** Manjū Kowai by Naruto (0_0) and Sai (^_^)

* * *

"Tobi is a good boy."

Yeah, yeah. We already know you've been trolling everyone all these years, Tobi-kun.

Quick! Say this 10x fast - Tobitobijuubitobi


	9. Chapter 9

**2013.09.29 **Time to thank all of you again for reading and esp. for leaving reviews! MWAH!

* * *

**9**

"Well?" the gangster Lee-like Kota uttered as he sat on one of the front seats of the theater. His back had slid halfway on the backrest while leering at Naruto with half-closed eyes. The rest of the former Yonbaka were seated on adjacent seats right from center column with equally slouching postures and impatient looks. Gaara, Lee and Sai sat on the rightmost column seats beside Aoyama.

Naruto fidgeted uncomfortably in seiza position on stage. He hated sitting that way. It reminded him of times he was punished by Iruka-sensei for his juvenile antics. Come to think of it, this didn't feel any different from a punishment. He was sorry he slept through Aoyama's videos that left him to rely on Sai's brief rundown of Manjū Kowai. He had a feeling the tale did not go exactly as Sai related it. He adjusted his kimono and breathed in. _Here goes…_

"Manjū Kowai…"

"You don't have to say the title!" Saku hissed. "Just get to the story!"

Saku was supposed to look like Sai but even with the beard, he reminded Naruto more of Ebisu-sensei whenever his nose flared like that. And that shrilly voice was starting to get annoying. _Fine, I'll show you all I can do this!_

"…Eto…There were these five friends and... they went to an inn and… they were having drinks… coz friends do that sometimes-dattebayo. And uh…They talked about lotsa stuff...and then-"

"Don't just say lotsa stuff!" Aoyama interrupted. "Elaborate. What did they like?"

"Uh…" _Things they like..._ "They liked stuff like…like…sunny days and peace time and… ramen and…Sakura… I mean the flower sakura and…" _Sun, peace, ramen sakura...there's five so one more. _"...And the last one liked..." His eyes shifted and spotted Gaara. "...sand... The last one liked sand."

One of Gaara's now existent eyebrows went up at this. He knew Naruto glanced his way before mentioning sand. Was he in the story? He didn't remember that part in the video. But then all he could recall was someone speaking really fast in different pitches. He was in a bad mental state at the time. What was said was a blur.

"Eto..." Naruto's eyes wandered up at the high ceiling of the theater as he tried to figure out how to proceed. "They... also talked about things they hated like... tummy aches from drinking milk that went bad and studying and memorizing stuff and being called dobe…" _Wait, where am I going with this? It's supposed to be about being scared... _"Eto… So then they got to talking about stuff that scared them. One of 'em said he was scared of ghosts. The other one said he was scared of… mice? Yeah, mice. Then another one said he was scared of insects… and the fourth guy was scared of…" He met Sai's eyes then. "…Scared of... old men with bandages on their heads…and uhm... the fifth one was… hmm…" *sigh* "Okay, so maybe he was scared of going back home from a mission and finding out his favorite ramen shop had closed down… or that the girl he likes hooked up with his best friend or that someone else has been chosen to be hokage. So uh… he tells those things to his friends and instead of making him feel better, they tell him 'yeah, you'll never be hokage coz you have dull hammer for brains-dattebayo!' So he got pumped up by their challenge and he promised himself he'll make everyone recognize him as hokage!"

"STOP! Stop!" Taiko stood up with palms stretched out in a 'stop' gesture. "What the hell are you talking about?!"

"Leave 'im alone," Ryo said in a threatening way. He figured if this kid was proven incompetent, Aoyama would have no choice but to give the job back to him. He met Saku and Kota's eyes and knew they had caught on to his idea and were similarly hoping the same thing about their counterparts.

Naruto realized he had unintentionally raised himself up and had planted his right foot forward when he yelled 'hokage.' He withdrew his leg and knelt seiza again. He had a feeling he was screwing it up. According to Sai, Manjū Kowai was about some guys trying to scare their friend…

'_in order to help him get over the thing that scared him.'_

Simple enough… but it was supposed to be funny and Sai wasn't exactly an authority on funny. And Naruto had no idea where being scared of manjū fitted in. _Who'd be scared of manjū anyway?_

The four men at the right were making odd faces at him like he was some kind of idiot. He shifted his attention toward his friends down left where Lee was mouthing a 'ganbatte' his way. It made him feel a bit better…no, not really, but he knew Lee meant it in the best way. _Okay, what comes next? Uh…manjū…manjū…_

"So it worked out for that guy coz if his friends didn't tell him he couldn't be hokage, he wouldn't work as hard-dattebayo…so then another one of their friends said 'I'm scared of manjū'…So his friends gave him a bunch of manjū…so he'd get used to them…until he's not scared anymore-da…tte…ba…yo..."

"…"

Naruto's eyes shifted left and right at his audience while waiting for some verbal reaction but there was none coming. Aoyama's mouth was just hanging open like he was in shock. Gaara was stoic. So was Sai. Lee's eyes were round, as always. He shifted his attention back to the right where a drunken-looking Lee, a bearded Sai and an evil-looking version of himself were grinning viciously at him.

Further right, fake Gaara's face was that of utter disbelief and almost in tears, an expression Naruto would have never imagined Gaara wearing. Taiko's hands were shaking like he was trying to figure out what to say but couldn't find the words. Finally, he stood up and charged forward, but the stage floor was up to his chest that he could only extend his arms over it in an effort to get his hands on Naruto who was frozen in place.

"How could you?" Taiko screamed in anguish. "How could you treat rakugo so disrespectfully?"

Naruto wasn't threatened or anything, especially with the man crying like that. And it wasn't like sand was about to attack him since this Gaara was the fake one. He was, however, at a loss by the sudden outburst. Did he really mess up that badly?

"I'm...sorry," he said sincerely. From the look on Taiko's face, he did mess up that badly, he concluded, though he did not yet know how.

"Oy, Taiko," Ryo called in his gruff voice. "What are you making a scene for, eh? The kid obviously don't got any idea what he signed up for." He then addressed Aoyama. "Mere looks won't cut it, y'know. I'm willin' to teach and all but if the kid don't even get the point of a simple opening act number, doncha think we'll just be wasting time here? Now whaddaya say, you just gimme me job back, eh?"

"Nice try," Aoyama said.

"Err..." Naruto muttered, relieved. "Thanks."

"Not you!" Aoyama snapped. "You were awful! In fact, that was the worst version of Manjū Kowai I have ever heard and the worst delivery of any kind of story I have ever witnessed!"

Naruto deflated like a flat tire. _I knew it._

"I meant you, Ryo. And you too Kota and Saku. Do you think I haven't noticed your amusement at his failure? Nice try attempting to sabotage my program but we had a deal, remember?"

"Sabotage? We didn't do anything," Ryo said in defense.

"Exactly!" Aoyama said. "By letting him go on and not do anything is wasting time, which is what you want, isn't it? It's the same as sabotage if you won't teach them properly as we agreed."

"But you said it y'self," Kota countered. "That was the worst. How are we gonna teach someone like 'im?"

"He will learn it," Gaara suddenly said in an authoritative voice that surprised the older men. They didn't even notice that he had stood up. "Isn't that right, Naruto?"

"Uh...yeah," Naruto concurred but he wasn't so sure.

"I'm sorry. It's my fault," Sai said, smiling inappropriately. "I was the one who related the story to Naruto the way I understood it. From the video, I concluded that it's about a group of men trying to help their friend overcome his fear," He reflected on the point. "I suppose I was mistaken. It's just that no one should be scared of manjū and it is only fitting for friends to help out in such cases."

Aoyama sighed. He realized how totally bereft of humor these boys were. He did not expect it to be this problematic the first time he heard of the lands where shinobi dwelt. _Just what are shinobi and what do they teach these kids?_ *sigh* But all was not lost…yet. They still had time, and apparently, there was at least one person who loved rakugo enough to be cooperative. "Taiko," he called. "If you've calmed yourself down, please do the honor of relating the story for the new ones."

Taiko realized he might have over-reacted. He thought for sure Naruto was making a mockery of rakugo. It seemed the boy really just didn't know how to do it properly. "Alright," he said after a deep breath. He traced the edge of the stage toward the stairs at the right and climbed the steps.

Naruto alit from the pillow, wobbling a little from the numbing sensation caused by sitting on his bent legs. He gave over the seat to fake Gaara who seemed to have gained some new confidence as he was coming forward. Naruto leaped down from the stage and sat beside his friends.

Taiko took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

And there they suddenly all were, subconsciously transported inside an inn and witnessing a group of friends chatting happily over sakè, the different voices echoing in their heads as if they were real.

Once the four shinobi resolved to seriously pay attention, their imaginations traveled along with Taiko's narration. Gaara was suddenly a little boy again, wide-eyed and eager to hear more as in those times when Yashamaru told him stories about Suna legends of old. Lee was back to having his long single braid, mouth agape as he sat before Gai-sensei with his passionate accounts of adventures, complete with energetic actuations and a moral lesson at the end. Naruto was with Ero-sennin, listening to the tales he told while they rested from their day-long training. It was even like the first time he read The Tale of the Gutsy Ninja and how he imagined his shishou's voice narrating.

In their minds' eye, they could picture the story now being told by the gifted Taiko. The men in the tale laughed heartily while discussing various things. And as they were doing so, a new one bounded over from outside and said he stumbled upon a snake on the road on the way to the inn.

"_It was gigantic and it was sticking out its forked tongue at me. I thought for sure it was gonna eat me so I ran for my life!" _

"_Ahahaha! Look how scared he is!"_

"_But it was huge, I tell ya!"_

"_It was probably just a harmless ratsnake, Natsu."_

"_Mah, mah. Give Natsu a break. We all have things we're scared of, right? Like me, I've always been kind of jumpy about spiders."_

"_Well, since we're on the subject…I admit, I have a bit of phobia when it comes to cochroaches. One chased after me all over the room once. I screamed until my wife killed it for me."_

"_That's not very dignified of you, Taka-san, to have to depend on your wife like that. But alright then, since you're willing to admit to such a thing, I guess I should own up to quailing at the sight of rats. Big hairy black things are just…brr!"_

"_Oy, Jiro. Jiro. How about you? Quit sulking over there at the corner and tell us what scares you." _

"…_Ha! I'm not sulking. I just find it ridiculous that grown men like you would be scared of such little creatures."_

The young ninjas were still transfixed on the story-teller on stage. Taiko went on with the colorful tale until he reached the crucial part.

"_Manjū? You mean the rice cake bun stuffed with red bean jam?"_

And finally, the punch-line.

"_You fooled us, didn't you? Tell us what you're really scared of."_

"_Ano ne, right now, I think I'm scared of… hot tea."_

"Hahahaha!" the laughter came from Aoyama and the three men from the other row as Taiko took a bow. Naruto, Gaara and Lee clapped their hands, for it was an amusing tale indeed.

"I think I get it now," Sai said reflectively. He was just as focused on the story as everyone. Why didn't he see it before? He was bent on understanding the story from the angle of friendship but it was actually more similar to being a shinobi. The character Jiro fulfilled his objective through deception. It was so simple and something Sai himself had practiced numerous times in the past.

"Now listen," Taiko began. "You can have variations in the delivery but the idea should be the same. You can even change the names but the punch-line should be the same. Make the narration lively. Do you understand?"

"Hey, why don't that guy give it a try," Saku said pointing at Sai. It was time for his replacement to be proven useless.

"Hmm…Alright," Sai replied. He was confident he got it this time. He was, at least, allowed to make up his own variation. And different voices should be no problem. He had henge-d a few times in the past that required voice imitations. _Let's see, the story had a snake...rats...manjū…tea…yosh! _Sai stood up, firmed up the obi around his kimono and headed for the stage.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Manjū Kowai**

By Sai ^_^

A group of shino-…ah no…men, a group of _ordinary_ men are inside a dark cave one night after another successful experimentation on humans in a hidden laboratory. The cave is deep and large and has multiple secret chambers. Two of the men, still bloody and stinky with bits of human innards still hanging from their clothes, are in one of the chambers.

"_We are almost at the final stages, Kabuto." _

"_Yes, Orochimaru-sama. Soon you will claim Sasuke-kun's body and be immortal."_

"_I'm almost at my limit. I had to settle for this body while waiting for Sasuke but I have to shed it soon."_

"_What's all that noise?"_

"_Ah, you're awake, Sasuke-kun. In a bad mood again? Come in and have a seat, we were just talking about you."_

"_When are we going out to train, Orochimaru?"_

"_Not tonight. I need to rest. I've just come from an experiment, can't you tell? But here, I brought a new friend for you."_

"_Hello, my name is Sa-…Shin. My name is Shin. Nice to meet you."_

"_Get lost!"_

"_Now, now, Sasuke-kun. We mustn't be rude. Shin-kun is an ally. Kabuto, why don't you bring in dinner so we can all eat together."_

"_Hai, Orochimaru-sama."_

"_Shin-kun, Sasuke-kun is my apprentice like you will be so it's best that you get to know each other."_

"_Hai, Orochimaru-sama. I know Sasuke-kun is from my village. He's whole clan was massacred by his older brother. Blinded by his desire for vengeance, he has decided to join you to gain ultimate power. But that's because he's too stupid to see that his friends care about him back home."_

"_Yes, humans tend to exhibit different levels of stupidity in their lifetime. Kabuto, for example, happens to believe he can be like me, the silly boy. No one can be like me. Aah, Kabuto, you're back. Let me have one of those... What are those? Those are... rats."_

"_Hai, Orochimaru-sama. They're fresh."_

"_My dear Kabuto, not in front of the children. But oh well, itadakimasu."_

A snake comes out of his mouth and snatches a big black live rat from the bowl then swallows it whole. The snake then slides back in.

"_Mm, tasty. Now where were we? Ah yes, stupidity. If I am to be honest, I'd say I was stupid to send out the Sound Four to retrieve Sasuke. They were late, as you know, so I've been stuck with this body for the last three years."_

If Shin is to be honest, he thinks Orochimaru's stupidity is to actually believe he can live forever. But Shin doesn't say that out loud.

"_What would you say you're stupidity is, Shin-kun?"_

"_Oh, I'm pretty stupid. I deem manjū to be scary."_

"_Manjū? You mean the rice cake bun stuffed with red bean jam?"_

"_Hai, Kabuto-san."_

"_Idiot."_

"_Please don't call me idiot, Sasuke-kun. I'm not the one offering up his body to a snake man."_

And then suddenly they hear an explosion outside.

"_Sasuke!" _

It's Sasuke's dickless friend with his teammates Yamato-taichou and an ugly girl we can call Ugly.

"_COME BACK WITH US, SASUKE!"_

"You really should spend more time training rather than chase after me, Dickless."

Sasuke unsheathes his sword and goes after Dickless but Shin blocks the attack with his tanto. *Ka-chak!* _"Sasuke-kun, that's a very long sword you have there. Are you, by chance, compensating for something?"_

"_Shin-kun, I thought you were on our side!"_

"_My apologies, Orochimaru-san, I am not."_

"_Kabuto, bring out our stack of manjū from the kitchen."_

"_Hai, Orochimaru-sama…Here they are, Orochimaru-samaaa!"_

"_Hurry, throw them at the traitor."_

So Kabuto goes and throws them at Shin but Shin catches each manjū and eats it.

"_Hey, you said you're afraid of manjū. You're a liar!"_

Of course, Shin is not afraid of manjū. It was a trick. He would be more afraid of manbijuu, that's a giant beast with ten thousand tails. But since we're only up to ten tails so far, the chance of one with ten thousand is one to ten thousand. And his enemies need not know about a manbijuu. They seem to be really stupid and willing to believe anything he says anyway.

"_Tell us! What are you really afraid of?"_

Shin has eaten about ten manjū by this time and is quite thirsty.

"_Well, as it happens, I'm quite afraid of hot tea...And I'm particularly fearful if it's mint-flavored…and comes in a flask." _

That way, Shin can be sure it won't spill when they throw it at him.

_*Bow*_

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Kota: I-innards? M-massacre?

Saku: Snake man?

Ryo: Manbijū...

Taiko: Kowai~

* * *

**つづく**


	10. Chapter 10

**2013.10.06**

* * *

**10**

A very long silence followed Sai's rakugo delivery. The Artist Nin was still obliviously smiling as he stood up from the mat. He was sure he got the point of the story right this time. He leaped down from the stage to join his equally oblivious friends.

"Oy, Aoyama," Ryo finally called after the lengthy pause. "Where did you find these kids?"

"…Ahurm…" Aoyama cleared his throat and adjusted his necktie to regain some composure. "Well, you have to admit, the different voices he did were very…convincing…and on a very… _professional_ level… Uh… Let's take a break, shall we? I think I need a drink."

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"Wow, professional level, did you hear that?" Lee said after Aoyama and the original Yonbaka had rushed out of the theater to get their much needed _drinks. _The young ones opted to stay behind. "Congratulations, Sai-kun," Lee added.

"Thank you," Sai beamed.

"Really, Sai," Naruto began sheepishly. "Why did you have to tell that story, of all things?" Why did he have to be Dickless again was what he really wanted to ask.

"Taiko-shishou's story involved a large snake and that's all I could think of at the spur of the moment," Sai shrugged.

"Was that how it happened with Orochimaru?" Gaara asked.

"Of course not!" Naruto blurted out. "Sai made it up!"

"I made up the manjū part. But I did save you from Sasuke-kun's attack."

"Oh yeah? Well…well…you weren't going to have dinner with them. You made that up too."

"I didn't see Orochimaru eat a rat either but I don't think it's far from the truth."

"Yeah, well…" Naruto couldn't counter that… And the argument was pointless. He then heard mild sniggering from inside him.

_Tee-hee-hee…_

_What is it, Kurama?_

_Manbijū...That was very funny… Dickless._

_Aw, not you too!_

_What? I couldn't help but listen… Well I've had my entertainment. I'm going back to sleep. _

_Yeah, you do that._

"They seemed impressed with the different voices," Gaara noted.

"If I'd known that, I would've done better," Naruto defended. "Next time! I can come up with a good story too, you'll see."

"Never mind that for now," Sai said.

The other three turned to where Sai's attention had fallen. They were by themselves inside the theater and on the left side of the stage, the drum set, speakers, amplifiers and microphones were beckoning.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Meanwhile, five men had reached the ship's bar and hastily ordered their drinks. Between swigs, they would pause and reflect on what they heard and witnessed back at the theater.

"What's up with that?" Saku asked, still somewhat in shock. As a former thug, he'd seen some nasty things in his life but… "Human experimentation? Massacre? Manbijū?!" He and the three other Yonbaka ex-members turned their heads toward Aoyama for an answer.

The YIPIAI agent took one gulp from his glass before he spoke. "They are shinobi."

"What the hell is a shinobi?" Saku asked.

"Shinobi… shinobu… Doesn't that mean to hide or to be quiet?" Taiko offered.

"Is that why he was talking about a secret cave?" Kota asked.

"Now, now," Aoyama said. "I'm sure it was just the wild imaginings of a young impressionable mind. In the Five Great Countries, they seem to train very young people as detectives. Yes! They're detectives. I have learned my lesson to not hire just anybody after your wicked stunt."

The men mumbled their protestations at this.

"I've seen their map," Aoyama continued, not at all paying attention to who was listening, just his usual professor-wannabe tendencies kicking in. "It's called Five Great Countries, but the land is actually much smaller in geography than Yonkoku, very rural I'd say. Perhaps that's why no one's heard of it before until I was forced to find replacements for you lot. They use different terminologies than we do in the East too. I sometimes don't understand what they are talking about either. And they are young, unlike YIPIAI agents who are older and much more experienced. That is why they will only act in the capacity of your old roles as Yonbaka. Nevertheless," he stressed the last with a raised forefinger, finally focusing on his companions. "This shows you that you cannot fool around with these kids. Train them as we agreed and train them well!"

"He did get the main idea right," Taiko admitted.

"But it's a crazy story," Saku argued.

"Well, part of our novelty is putting a different flavor on traditional rakugo," Taiko said.

"Different flavor," Kota echoed in a sarcastic tone. "Right, so human innards, a massacre and ten thousand tailed beasts...what flavor is that?"

"Horror flavor," Kota supplied.

"I still can't get the image of a snake coming out of a man's mouth out of my head," Saku added.

"That's not what I meant." Taiko said defensively. "It's just that… well… those voices he did were really impressive, as if he wasn't the one speaking at all. And he was doing...what...four, five characters? And at such fast pace. I mean, I can't even pull off something like that."

"Who can?" Saku quipped. "He didn't even move a muscle. And his face was completely blank, except when he smiled while talking about innards and rats and tailed monsters."

"Err…" Taiko did notice that as well. It was like a ventriloquist was behind the scene through it all. "Well… it didn't stop him from making us picture the story in our minds, right? That could be a novelty in itself."

"A very good point," Aoyama said. "Yonbaka has always been able to put a different twist on the classics in every show and that is why the audience loves it. They won't suspect the change in personalities. But... those kids will definitely need some guidance in keeping the stories less...morbid."

Kota and Saku exchanged glances with Ryo. Their initial expectations would not be as easy coming as they thought. It was not only Sai that was a problem. When that Gaara spoke suddenly, they felt a chill in the air that made the hair on their skins stand on end. And that Naruto was talking about crazy stuff as well. There was something seriously freaky about those kids and yet... those different voices were indeed amazing. Thus, they could not just remain passive and hope that the replacements would screw up enough for Aoyama to give up. They had to act..._and fast_.

Back in the theater, the new Yonbaka made a pleasant discovery. Upon their ascent to the stage, they found an audio player located at the very edge. It was hidden from the front because of a large curtain. Lee hit the play button and out came what seemed to be rock music similar to what they were introduced to back in Konoha.

Being more familiar with music this time, they instinctively filtered the sound and concentrated on their respective instruments. The riff was repeated a few times within each number. _That's a G…then D…and A…._ Naruto told himself as he listened very intently to the chord progression. His fingers contorted as he mentally placed the string position, head bobbing to get the timing right.

Gaara recognized the bass rhythm as if by instinct, which is to say, his sand had pretty much made itself at home inside his guitar and it was swirling around excitedly upon hearing the music outside. His fingers were itching… No, the strings were itching. His fingers would do the scratching. His foot tapped the floor lightly to the *gan-gan-gan-gan* every quarter note.

Sai focused on the percussion and identified which drum was being hit. The combination *pak* sound of the snare and low *tug* sound of the bass drum with the accompanying *ting* of the hi-hat held a consistent pattern on equal 4/4 intervals. *Dug-a-dug-dug-dug-boom-pang* was the rolling on the toms down over to the side drum and up to the ride cymbal. Those were the simple parts. It got more complicated as the song raised its dynamics. He closed his eyes to hear and feel the percussion better.

Heads bobbed, feet tapped, fingers clawed on air and wrists swung in synchronized movements. Yes, they could play this tune by ear even without tabs or music sheets.

Lee's drive was raised to the max. He had never been as excited about anything else in his life apart from being an excellent shinobi. The road toward that goal had been hard, to say the least, but the ultimate challenge came from his inability to use ninjutsu. _Hard work over genius! _This time, the challenge was from being musically tone-deaf.

His three friends were kind enough to not point out that his vocals clashed with the keys he played when he tried to sing the notes. He couldn't really tell the difference, but he was told often enough of the fact when he was younger, even younger than when he first met Gai-sensei. He did not aspire to be a musician then to exert some effort to improve. This time, it was different. _He_ was different. He was not as musically-gifted as his three comrades. He could play methodically well enough but he had to rely on the others' opinion if it sounded as good as he deemed. He had to train his ears better. _Hard work over genius! _This Rock Lee, who defied unbelievable odds to be a great ninja, could overcome tone-deafness and play music to perfection! Shucks…even sing…!

_Lee!_

_Sakura-san!_

_You're such a remarkable keyboardist and an amazing singer~_

_A-arigatou, Sakura-san._

_I wish I'd known from the start just how unbelievably talented you are. You're soooo cooool~._

_Sakura-san. Being cool is nothing if I can't be with the girl I love._

_Any girl will be lucky to be with you. I know I would~_

_S-Sakura-san…Do you mean that?_

_Oh Lee, just call me Saku-chi~_

_Saku…chi…_

_I love you…Lee…_

_I love you, Saku-chi!_

_Lee…_

_Saku-chi!_

_Lee!_

"_LEE!"_

"Oy, Lee! Can you hear me? Oy!"

"Ah, Naruto-kun."

"Hey, your nose is bleeding. You okay?"

"Whoa! Ah… Yes. I'm fine," Lee said, pressing his nose and raising his head to suppress the blood flow.

He looked around and found Sai already seated behind the drum set. He had taken out the padding from the drums' surfaces. Gaara was positioned left of Lee and right from Sai. The Kazekage found some cables that were connected to the amplifier and somehow figured out which jack plug went to which socket on his bass. Naruto stood farther, near the edge where the right panel of the rakugo setup was erected. He also had his guitar properly hooked. Lee searched down and found his own set of plugs.

They were ready. Sai raised his drumsticks and tapped four times to signal the intro.

*tak-tak-tak-tak*

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Back at the bar, Aoyama had slid down from his stool and summoned the rest to go back.

"Err…Aoyama," Kota started with pleading eyes (or an attempt at it). "Whaddayasay ya let us get just one more round, huh?"

"Yeah," Ryo chimed in. "We've been cooped up in that cell for a couple of months. It'll relax us a bit so we can get ready to teach rakugo properly, eh?"

Aoyama was going to protest but Saku quickly raised his wristband monitor. "We ain't gonna make trouble. C'mon, for old time's sake, Aoyama-san."

"Oh it's Aoyama-_san_ now, is it?" Aoyama scoffed. But then, the wristband did serve as assurance. "…Very well. Just one more and then back to the theater. I have to go ahead and give those kids a bit of prepping."

The four men ordered their second round of drinks at once. Ryo, Saku and Kota followed Aoyama with their eyes as he walked to the exit. They then proceeded to a table far from the counter and out of the bartender's hearing range. Taiko ambled after them.

"Taiko, ya fool!" Kota growled low once they were seated.

"What? What did I do?" Taiko asked surprised.

"Why ya gettin' serious teachin' those kids rakugo for, eh?" Ryo said.

"But that's our deal with Aoyama, ain't it? If they don't learn, we won't get parole." Taiko wondered why he was getting the third degree all of a sudden.

"You dull-headed idiot!" Saku said this time. "And what're ya gonna do when you're free, huh? Go back to bein' a petty thief?"

"If they don't learn, we get our jobs back, doncha get it?" Kota said.

"How can you be so sure of that?" Taiko asked.

"YIPIAI's been workin' on that case for years," Ryo replied. "They didn't get as close to infiltrating the syndicate until we came along. No one else can do rakugo as Yonbaka like we can, eh?"

"And you're messin' up the whole plan, dimwit!" Saku added shrilly.

"But…but…" Taiko stuttered. He didn't think of it that way. But then… "Hey, you guys are gonna get me in trouble again, aren't ya? We wouldn't be in this situation if you weren't so eager to make quick dough from that kidnapping fiasco."

"Let's put it this way," Kota said with a sinister air as he leaned closer. "If you don't cooperate, Aoyama's really gonna need a replacement for our act... but just for _one_."

Then Ryo leaned and glowered at him. "YIPIAI will have some trouble tracing that monitor on your wrist far below with the fishes, eh?"

Taiko need not think any further to recognize the threat, except, knowing these guys, it was no mere threat."

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Lee swiftly glided his fingernails through the keys from the lowest to the highest as they got to the final chorus. Sai was doing some fancy rolling while Gaara and Naruto were grinding their axes with equal intensity. Just as the music was about to reach crescendo...

Gaara stopped playing first, quickly followed by Sai, then Naruto noticed the missing accompanying bass and percussion and turned to where the other two's attention was directed. Lee was still playing, too engrossed in keeping the timing with the chord series that the others fed him.

"Oy, oy Lee," Naruto called then pointed with his eyes over to the end of the theater near the exit.

"Aoyama-san!" Lee exclaimed.

Aoyama had a reprimanding speech ready for his recruits as soon as he entered the theater. When he walked in, however, he found himself gaping at the scene on stage. "Y-you can play instruments?" he blurted out incredulously as soon as the music stopped completely.

The four were about to voice out some form of excuse when, "That's wonderful!" Aoyama exclaimed as he rushed over excitedly. "I assumed you could not play. This is excellent! That will make even the music authentic!" The young ones exchanged relieved glances.

"Ah, yes, yes. This is better indeed," Aoyama said, suddenly conscious of his uncustomary display of enthusiasm. He walked back to the first row seat away from the edge of the stage. He seemed to have unconsciously gotten that far in his excitement. He straightened his face and resumed his formal manner. "I had scheduled an hour a day for you to practice imitating the motions of instrument-playing but it seems that will no longer be necessary. We can now allocate that time to work further on rakugo."

A resounding "Eh?" was uttered in unison, even by Gaara.

"Ne, ne, Frizzytop-jiichan," Naruto began. "I think we also need practice time for music-dattebayo."

_Frizzytop? _"…Well, yes, of course. But that can come later. I'll give you sufficient time a week before we get to the Eastern Hemisphere. Rakugo is currently our priority."

"We are only beginning to learn our instruments" Sai said. "We become rusty when we don't practice at least one, no, _two_ hours a day."

"That's right," Lee chimed in. "Hard work over genius!"

"…"

"I mean… we have to…work _hard_…at…_everything_…we do…" Lee said.

"Yes," Gaara confirmed in his usual low tone. "We will work hard both for rakugo and playing music. So please, give us at least two hours a day for this."

"…I see…" Aoyama said contemplatively. "I do admire your dedication. You have finally realized how important this is. Very well, two hours. I'll expect you to take rakugo seriously as well."

"Thanks, Frizzytop-jiichan!" Naruto beamed gratefully. "You're not so bad after all-dattebayo!"

"You can count on us-dattebayo!" Lee declared.

"We will work hard-dattebayo," said Sai smiling.

"We are much obliged-da…" Gaara caught himself. _Never mind._

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Behind the theater door that was left open by Aoyama earlier, four men lurked and listened in. The conversation inside echoed through the complex. They caught Gaara's vow to work hard for both rakugo and music. _Not good. Not good at all. These kids are really asking for trouble. _

The Yonbaka ex-members retreated back a safe distance outside and finalized their plan.

**つづく**

* * *

**A/N: **Are the four idiots in trouble? That depends on which four idiots you're referring to. XD

**Up next: **Four idiots in trouble


	11. Chapter 11

**2013.10.13**

* * *

Nautical Terms:

**Starboard** – right side of ship; **Stern** - rear side of ship; **Hull** – submerged part of the ship

* * *

**11**

Aoyama stood front and center just below the stage as he concluded his discussion with the ninjas on the band practice schedule. Yonbaka's ex-members had sauntered in and made their way to the front seats they occupied earlier but Aoyama saw it fit to give an introductory lecture before handing back the training over to them.

"Now remember," he began with furrowed brow and a serious gaze directed at his four new recruits. "The aim of Rakugo is to elicit laughter from people, _not _screams of terror." He fixed his attention on Sai who obviously had no idea what could bring on 'screams of terror' in a story. Aoyama raised the rim of his eyeglasses as he paused. "Sai-kun, while your story was…_interesting_, it was not…_funny_." Not wanting to discourage the boy, he followed with a few vague but seemingly positive observations. "It was certainly…_imaginative_…and it conjured up vivid images in our heads... but it has to be more…_ light-hearted_ and …_funny_. Do you understand?"

"…"

Aoyama sighed. "What is funny to you?" He addressed all of them. "What makes you laugh out loud?"

_Laugh...out loud?_

"I don't laugh," Sai replied casually with a smile. He had not quite mastered this smiling business to consider raising the degree of expression to another level. He could manage something to signify amusement in the form of a guttural double snort of some sort. He was sure he could imitate a laugh if necessary but to make people laugh… _how?_

"I don't…laugh… either," Gaara said. That wasn't true, of course. He used to laugh maniacally in the old days every time he'd crush the life out of someone, but he preferred not to recall those days. And he had a feeling that would not elicit laughter from people anyway. Make them laugh..._how?_

Lee stood up and beat a fist to his chest. "Complete a thousand and twenty seven push-ups, a thousand two hundred seventy three round-house kicks and increase my weights by five kilos per leg!"

"Th-that makes you laugh?" Aoyama asked incredulously.

"No, they're my goals for my next shinobi training."

"That wasn't what I was asking. And what's with the odd numbers?"

"It's because I've previously only completed a thousand and twenty six push-ups, a thousand two hundred seventy two round-house kicks and added only four kilos of weights. Each training session has to be better than the last. If not, I'll have to do two hundred and two laps around town, upside-down!"

"Let me guess, you did two hundred and one the last time."

Lee shook his head ruefully. "The truth is I did one hundred and ninety-nine laps twice in succession." He clenched his fist tightly with pained guilt on his face. "But I swear I will never cheat again!"

"..."

All this talk of training seemed preposterous to the adults in the room. There was no way this skinny youth could have engaged in such activity. The weight they understood, he did look like he needed to gain some. But what was with not being able to laugh? There's no explanation for all this strangeness coming out of these kids' mouths other than they were not quite right in the head.

Naruto, the 'dobe', was surprisingly the only one fully aware of the implications of this awkward atmosphere. He had a feeling they were being taken for a bunch of weirdos. It never occurred to him till this point that his three friends were honestly clueless about humor. He knew the reasons but it would be impossible to explain. Amazing, he actually felt like the _normal_ one for a change. He silently thanked old Sandaime for letting him find his own fun around the village, and to Iruka-sensei for treating him like a human being, and also to Shikamaru, Chouji and Kiba who were willing enough to be his playmates when he was still the village outcast. But back to business, he was used to getting laughed at; getting people to laugh was a different matter..._how?_

The ex-Yonbaka men considered that maybe these kids were taken from a mental facility somewhere. Maybe that's why they had to travel all the way to the other side of the world. Aoyama's claim that they were detectives had to be a lie just to intimidate. That was it! These boys were definitely a bunch of crazies. But why recruit lunatics to do Rakugo? Was it really just because of their looks or something else? … Wait! What if they were not crazy? What if they were not human at all? What if they emerged from some secret experimental laboratory specifically designed and programmed to be Yonbaka replacements? One of them was talking about such a laboratory… and another one mentioned something about clones... _Clones! _

In the midst of trying to figure out what Lee was talking about, Aoyama suddenly realized they were getting off track again. That seemed to happen a lot with this bunch. They had wasted enough time as it was. "Look," he said impatiently. "For now, just pay attention to how the others deliver the story. Don't make up any stories of your own."

At that, Ryo quickly stood up and made his way in front. Aoyama took this to mean that the ex-thug was finally ready to take his job seriously. He gave way and proceeded to his seat at the front row.

Ryo scanned the four young faces before him. _Clones, eh? _That explained why they were the exact replica of their stage act. _In that case, it won't be a crime to take extreme measures._ Non-humans were fair game with little consequence, as long as they were discreet about it.

If this scheming Naruto look-alike standing before them was a shinobi, the replacements would immediately sense the strong killing intent that would naturally emanate from his person. As it was, his evil contemplation was safely encased inside his head. The malice projecting from his eyes had been there since their first meeting and could be taken as nothing more than dissatisfaction due to his sad predicament. The ninjas looked on and waited to be educated on the workings of this alien form of entertainment called Rakugo.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Two hours later…

"Ano…" Naruto scratched his head as he walked along the gangway with his friends en route to the banquet hall for dinner. "Did you guys get any of that?"

His three friends reflected on the question a moment to figure out if they did get it. To an ordinary person, Rakugo delivery would still take some degree of talent but the aim of eliciting laughter would not be an alien concept. For these hapless shinobi currently faced with the task, however, Rakugo was still no different from relating any fictional tale with an intended point and that point still eluded them.

"I think for now we should just focus on imitating their actions and deliver the story word for word," Sai offered, no smile this time.

The others could only agree. Ryo had demonstrated his own version of Manjū Kowai on stage and gave various tips on delivery. Saku, Kota and Taiko had pitched in from time to time and offered their own expert knowledge as they saw fit. Aoyama would nod his head in agreement and would smile in approval. At last, his original recruits were cooperating.

The session finally ended and the four instructors took their opportunity while cleaning up and changing inside the make-up room. They discreetly offered to tutor their apprentices on a 'one-on-one' basis. "Let's keep it a secret from Aoyama and just surprise him with your progress, eh?" Ryo said. The young ones offered their sincere thanks.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

At the dinner table, ex-Yonbaka men were unusually glib and displayed none of the arrogance and sarcasm that they had earlier. They thanked Aoyama for letting them eat dinner together then threw in a load of flattery his way. The agent tried to act unaffected but an occasional smile or a tug at his own necktie gave away his pleasure at having his ego stroked.

"D'ya know that Aoyama-san's the best agent at YIPIA?"

"Yeah, he treated us real good too, eh?"

"We really screwed up but we're gonna make it up to 'im by teachin' ya everythin' we know."

"So ya better take it seriously, y'hear? We're gonna make you the best rakugo artists in history."

Lies. To these highly skilled and experienced shinobi, trained from childhood to be extremely sharp and crafty, the lies were as clear and glaring as a bright summer day.

"Arigatou, minna-san! We're very grateful!" Lee gushed almost in tears.

"You're not so bad as I thought you were," Naruto chipped in. "We're counting on you-dattebayo!"

Okay, so maybe half of the four dozed off when Lesson 101 on 'sharp and crafty' was taught in class.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

To the ninjas' surprise, training did not continue after dinner. Aoyama instructed them to report at the banquet hall at 6AM for breakfast the next morning and then promptly to the theater at 8AM. He then called it a night and proceeded to his own cabin. To the young ones who were used to maximizing the use of a full day for training and missions, this all seemed lax, but they weren't ones to complain. With good food and too much idle time, it was starting to feel like vacation, one they never had in like…ever.

Finally, dinner was concluded and the young ones made sure to remember their manners this time.

"Great food, Chef-san!"

"The best I ever tasted-dattebayo!"

"Gochisousamadeshita."

The chef bowed formally by the galley door before retreating back inside in a very dignified manner. As soon as he was inside, he hugged all his staff while unabashedly shedding tears of joy. _They love my food! *sniff*_

Yonbaka, old and new, thus filed out the doorway and out one side with the intention of getting some 'fresh air', as suggested by the seniors of the group. While still making their way through the stairs, Ryo suddenly draped an arm over Naruto's shoulder and began to chat him up while leading him along the middle deck at starboard. "I heard dolphins swim by over that direction from time to time. Maybe we'll get to see some, eh? Let's take a look," he said as they headed farther toward stern.

Kota caught Lee and similarly hooked his arm around the youth. "Sea-sickness is the pits, huh kid. Nothin' to be ashamed of. I got the same problem. Why don't we go down and take a tour below instead, huh?"

Sai was going by himself toward another set of stairs to check the view from the upper deck when Saku slapped a heavy hand on his shoulder and joined him. "Hey, kid. Let's check out what's up there. We can talk more about the use of puns."

Taking his cue from his partners, Taiko motioned to sling his arm around Gaara but the Kazekage cast him one sharp glare and he folded immediately.

"What is it?" Gaara asked, not at all trying to be frightening. His permanent goth-eyes didn't help soften his expression.

"Uh…uh…I was just…m-maybe you'd like to h-hear some more tips on r-rakugo. W-we could walk over there…and…or maybe not…we can just stay here…and - "

"If it's not any trouble, then… I will be grateful for your help," Gaara said in the friendliest manner he could muster to make his shishou comfortable. Unfortunately, he sounded no different from how the usual low-voiced Gaara did.

And so the men effectively separated the young ones to isolated locations on the ship. Phase 1 of 'Operation: Eliminate Yonbaka Replacements,' completed.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Fifteen minutes later…

"I don't see anything," Naruto said as he strained his eyes to catch sight of dolphins where Ryo was pointing from the stern.

"I was sure I saw somethin'," Ryo said while hovering behind Naruto. "There! There! See? Somethin's bubblin' over the surface. Just watch carefully, they'll prob'ly jump out any second. Move closer to the rail so you won't miss it. There, bubbles, see?"

_Bubbles? _Naruto was getting a little bored but tried his best not to show it. He wasn't really interested in dolphins. He had enough experience with wild and over-sized monsters to last him a lifetime. Besides, it was too dark to see anything even if there were dolphins that Ryo was so eager to show him. But he had to get to his shishou's good side if he was to learn Rakugo properly. He cupped his hands over his eyes to focus better.

Ryo saw this as his only chance. His eyes shifted to make sure no one else was around before making his move. He was a few inches taller than Naruto and way more muscular. Tipping him over would be no sweat. '_Ah, that kid. I told him not to stand too close to the rail before I went back to my cabin last night. He probably fell and got sucked by the ship's propeller below.' Yeah, that'll work. He'll be a minced clone by tonight. _The thug inched slowly but surely toward achieving his aim, unsuspected, a quiet churning, like bubbles forming before water boils over…

_Bubble bubble…_

Lee found himself exploring one of the engine rooms located at the hull. "So this is the very bottom of the ship. We're actually underwater!" He was wide-eyed in amazement at the sight of black, white and silver-colored metal engines lined up that made it possible for the huge vessel to move far distances along the great sea.

"Impressive, ain't it?" Kota concurred. Back when he was still a legit member of Yonbaka, he got to explore this ship during one of their performance tours. He knew which engine room was left unmanned at certain hours.

Ryo managed to secretly pass along his clone theory to his partners earlier and Kota was particularly amused. _Of course he's a clone. No human being would wear green spandex. It'll be interestin' to see what it's made of inside. Wires? Fibers? Goo? Can't wait. _He snatched a crowbar resting on one side and hid it behind him as Lee continued to walk ahead inspecting the machinery.

_Bubble bubble…_

"Ya really like carryin' those things around, doncha?" Saku said. He noticed Sai had been tapping his drumsticks at his sides as if accompanying some imaginary music. _Good. He gets distracted easy. He ain't gonna see what's comin'._

Sai instinctively looked down on the sticks in his hand upon hearing Saku's remark and felt unusually self-conscious. While the drumsticks doubled as a shinobi weapon, the pleasure he got from fiddling with them in time with imaginary music was quite different from when he held his regular scroll and brush. But then it was not the first time they had been called out like that. Maybe it really wasn't 'normal' behavior to be carrying musical instruments around all the time. He clumped the sticks together in one hand and inserted them in the short scabbard on his back where his tanto used to be.

"Hey I got no issue with it or anythin'," Saku said taking note of Sai's reaction. "A man needs to do what he needs to do, know what I mean?"

"Yes, I do," Sai said quite relieved.

"The wind's pretty strong from up here, ain't it? Man, look at the height of this, we're three floors up." _I'm gonna make you fly, clone freak._

_Bubble bubble…_

"I finally get to sleep on a real bed," Taiko said as he entered his assigned cabin and bade Gaara to come in. "Why doncha take a seat somewhere. I'll just wash up before I give you more Rakugo tips."

Inside his bathroom, Taiko contemplated his move. _Clone? That sure explains his creepiness, _he said quietly to his own reflection in the mirror. He frowned disgusted at the situation then pulled out a blade from the medicine cabinet.

With a sharp glint in their eyes, the original Yonbaka men acted all at once.

Ryo quickly grabbed Naruto's legs and tossed him over the railing.

Kota swung the crowbar like a baseball bat.

Saku pushed.

"Graaah!" Taiko screamed.

"Oh look! Someone dropped a coin." Lee had bent over to pick up the coin from the floor just as Kota swung the crowbar. The force exerted on empty air caused the fiend to spin and lose his balance. Somewhat shaken but still focused on his task, Kota swung again with all his might from the floor and managed to hit Lee's right calf. Electricity surged from Kota's hand through his arm to his whole body as the crowbar hit the heavy metal weight surrounding Lee's leg.

"Kota-shishou, are you okay?" Lee asked when he turned around to show the coin but wondered why his mentor was on the floor instead.

Kota heaved and tried to recover. Without thinking, he picked up the crowbar that he dropped and lunged forward. Lee dodged easily. Kota lunged again, swung, lunged.

"Is this part of Rakugo training?" Lee asked excitedly as he dodged. "This is to keep our minds alert, isn't it? Shisou, arigatou!"

Three floors down was not so high for a shinobi. Sai didn't even need ninjutsu to land on his feet. He looked up at Saku from the upper deck but the man had quickly backed up the railing and left. Sai was suddenly filled with a strong sense of foreboding and so pulled out the drumsticks from his back before speeding through the gangway.

The door slammed open and two armored men entered Taiko's cabin. Gaara was standing by the bathroom door holding up a small towel to Taiko's face. Taiko had accidentally cut himself with a blade while trying to trim his curly sideburns.

"Are you alright, kid?" asked one of the YIPIAI agents.

Gaara still had to get used to being called "kid" but he deduced that he was the one being addressed so he nodded. "Is there a problem?" he asked.

Taiko whimpered beside him. _They know. We're gonna hang for this. _He feared that the other three had been successful in their assassination plan. He had no intention of going along with it but he would surely get implicated just like before. Gaara looked at him and then at the agents and his eyes narrowed. He headed out with shinobi speed that took the men by surprise.

"Hold it right there!" Two more agents held up firearms toward Ryo at the stern. Another two arrived bringing a hand-cuffed Saku between them. A handful of the ship's crew was pulling on ropes to release the life rafts hanging from starboard. The engine was shut to stop the propeller below.

"Did you think we had no surveillance cameras around the ship?" Aoyama stood facing Ryo directly. The agents had been watching through the silent monitors and were caught by surprise at the swiftness by which Ryo flung Naruto over the railing. Aoyama gritted his teeth. He should've seen it coming. "You better pray that Naruto-kun is rescued alive."

_I doubt that, _Ryo said to himself. The force of the propeller below would have surely sucked Naruto in. Ryo was prepared to risk it. Clones weren't real humans as far as he was concerned. He'd use that as defense should it come down to it. _You'll need me eventually. _He'd have to see which carried more weight, the clone or bagging the syndicate.

"Ne, Baldie-shishou! I still can't see dolphins from down here!"

"…"

Everyone shifted their heads around wondering where the voice came from. Ryo turned back around and gawked from the railing. The agents ran forward and did the same. There down below was Naruto… alive and… standing on… water?

"There's been a mistake!" Lee's voice sounded from behind. He was following the agents who had apprehended Kota as they made their way toward where the rest were. "Kota-shishou was just training me for Rakugo."

_Bubble bubble bubble bubble…_

Within the darkness, the bubbling began to be accompanied by a chest-pounding tremor sending ripples to break the calm water surrounding the ship.

"Naruto!" Sai screamed from the lower deck. "Behind you!"

A loud swooshing of the water revealed two giant claws surfacing. *SNAP*

**つづく**

* * *

**A/N: **Who knew four idiots in trouble would turn into eight idiots in trouble? Let's make that eight and the agents…and the crew…

**Up next: **A whole ship in trouble


	12. Chapter 12

**2013.10.20 **For all the feedback, thank you! Salamat! ありがおう! Grazie! Merci! Gracias! Hvala vam! Danke! Medaase! Selamat! 谢谢你! Tack! Dank je wel! Hope I didn't leave anybody out.

* * *

**12**

YIPIA agents, along with the original Yonbaka and the ship's crew, were paralyzed in shock at what they were witnessing. They could not quite ascertain which was more unbelievable, a giant crab, the size of a blue whale, that had suddenly emerged from the sea's depths, or a teenage kid standing on water and then leaping a great height from the surface to dodge the crab's snapping claws.

The other boy, the pale one suddenly emerged from the lower deck on top of a giant bird almost as big as a light aircraft, yet it didn't look like a real bird, more like an animated drawing of one.

"Lure it away from the ship, Naruto," Sai shouted. Then almost simultaneously, out came something flat and white from the edge of one of his drumsticks. It waved in the air like a flag but then Sai motioned as if he was writing on its surface with the tip of the other drumstick.

The non-shinobi below then saw smaller animated birds emerge from his work. What seemed like rectangular pieces of paper were attached to each bird descending at a fast speed. The paper exploded upon making contact with the giant crab that caused it to instinctively snap its claws wildly. The ship bobbed from the waves created by the monster's struggle but the force at least created some distance from danger.

The men on the ship gripped the railing hard to keep from sliding but their eyes were glued to the astonishing scene. Was it a mirage from the smoke because of the explosion, or were they really seeing identical copies of the blond kid below? The middle one of the triplet was holding a ball of blue light in his hand. And after the two beside him had finished moving their hands frantically over the ball, the one holding it charged forward to the giant crab.

"Look! He's running on water!"

A blinding light was followed by an explosion. They supposed it was caused by the luminous ball that had made contact with the crab. They shielded their eyes and waited till the noise subsided. Naruto remained standing on the surface from where he attacked, waiting for movement. Sai circled the area, likewise on the lookout for the creature's return.

The crab seemed to have disappeared in the darkness but the ship was still bobbing vigorously. In fact, the ship's up and down swing seemed stronger than before.

"I…don't…feel… too good."

Aoyama's heart stopped. "Get a hold of yourself, Lee-kun," he pleaded.

Lee swayed drunkenly on deck. "Why are there sho many people here?" He wasn't aware that he was seeing double, nay, triple as once again the symptoms of having drunk sake manifested itself.

"Aaaah!" One of the crew screamed as he pointed upward. At the other side of the ship, three huge tentacles hovered above and was about to descend. But then a great barrage of sand flew out near the bow and formed three umbrella-like shields to protect the vessel. Everyone turned to that direction and saw Gaara standing on a protruding part of the control room's roof at the very top. His arm extended toward the new monster while one hand held the neck of his guitar. Sand was still coming out of the guitar hole.

"What is that? Is that sand? How is he doing that?"

"Does it matter? He's keeping us alive!"

_All these people are in danger. I musht do shomething! _Despite his uncontrolled swaying Lee managed to press a button on his keytar and out came two long chains from each side as he zoomed up at an angle toward the middle tentacle. With amazing speed that made him invisible to the naked eye, he wrapped the chains around the appendage. Lee stopped his circling and clung to the side of the tentacle like a sailor atop a mast surveying land up ahead.

The witnesses blinked at the mere split second it took for all these things to occur. Lee's next action made their jaw drop further.

"Is…is…he…singing?"

"The lonely boy that I am…hash my heart shet on youuuu…."

The large tentacle waved in the air as it felt the pressure of the tightly wound chain but Lee continued to sing. "With all… my youthful strength…protect you… I… will…!" He then clung to the tentacle and made like he was opening a bottle cap with his body. This initial movement turned into rapid spinning motion that twisted the tentacle upward, an improvised version of his lotus move.

Gaara continued to repel the other two tentacles as another one sprang up from the water. Seeing that Lee had control of one, Gaara shifted his sand to stop the fourth. But then four more tentacles emerged from the other side and clung to the ship. That sent a new wave of panic among the helpless onlookers.

"Dang! Just when I was starting to enjoy this trip," Naruto griped. "Why can't my life be free of annoying giant monsters?"

_And what do you mean by that?_

_I didn't mean you, Kurama… though you were kinda annoying…before…._

_You're more annoying than I ever was._

_No, I wasn't. You were. You- *sigh* Let's not fight, okay? Let's just get rid of this thing._

_Only if you admit you're the annoying one._

_Geh!...Fine, fine. I'm the annoying one._

"Aaaaaaah!" the men screamed as two of the tentacles managed to creep up on deck.

A few, who were straining their eyes to look for help, caught sight of Naruto again from a distance.

"Look at that, he's glowing orange! And he's grown a tail, no, tails!"

"Help us!"

"Naruto," Sai shouted. "You can't attack it while it's clinging onto the ship. It'll put everyone in danger!" he warned.

"What do we do?" Naruto asked, realizing that his attack was indeed too powerful not to cause damage to nearby innocents.

"We'll work to pry it off. Just stand by and deal the final blow!"

At that, Sai sped toward the ship and signaled to Gaara.

"Take cover!" Gaara ordered the scrambling men.

Sai then released more explosive tags, carefully aiming at the tentacles at starboard.

Gaara focused on his jutsu and willed his sand to form into the shape of hands that gripped the three tentacles. The one that Lee had twisted had withdrawn, pulling Lee down the water with it. _Lee can take care of himself, _Gaara thought with confidence. His sand was spread out thinly and not enough to crush the three large tentacles. The massive weight was compounded by the splashing water but he knew he couldn't afford to lose his grip. He leaped down toward the railing at port and extended his left arm toward the water. He then slowly raised his outstretched hand as if drawing something from below.

Sai continued to make like a fighter aircraft and attacked the clinging tentacles from above, aiming with sniper precision so as not to cause damage to the ship. After a few more strikes, the four tentacles withdrew from the stinging barrage.

The onlookers gasped in fear when seawater shot up like geyser by the ship's edge ten meters high from where the three sand-gripped tentacles were. Gaara, however, seemed the one in control with his hand raised to that angle. The water descended like waterfall and left a great amount of sand in the air. The seabed was a plentiful source of his jutsu material albeit a tremendous amount of Gaara's chakra was needed to pull it out. He had to raise it as high as possible to be rid of the water that was adding to its weight. With his last amount of chakra and strength, he willed the seabed sand to mix with his own sand until it enveloped the tentacles. "Sabaku Kyū!"

The tentacles flailed and retreated below just as Gaara's knees gave way. Some of the crew rushed to help him. The ship was still quavering from the strong waves that told them trouble was not past. Something serious was happening below.

The last tentacle disappearing from the surface served as the signal for Naruto to take his turn but just before he could dive forward, the giant crab caught him from behind with its claw. Naruto found himself in a vice grip while being pulled down deeper into the water.

_Sneaky_, Kurama thought. _Naruto, you can get yourself loose, can't you?_

_Of course! Taju kage bunshin no jutsu!_

Naruto's clones multiplied until the claw was pried open.

_We can't just leave it be. It'll just attack again. _

Meanwhile, Lee was going wild under the ship. _Yatatatatatatatata!_ He had swum toward the octopus' head and attacked one of its eyes with a series of drunken knife hand strikes until his fist penetrated through the membrane, effectively blinding the creature. The resulting injury along with the damage it incurred from above sent it convulsing. It sunk down to the sea's depths and was never seen again.

The raging water subsided after a while. The men, who were mostly either sprawled on deck or clinging to railings, began to recover their composure. Two crew members gained enough sense to draw down a life raft when they spotted an exhausted Lee wading on the water.

Lee wasn't quite sure what happened. One minute, he was swinging back and forth on deck and the next he was underwater watching tako-san swim away or more like fall away from him.

Gaara was still breathing heavily from exhaustion but he grinned upon seeing his former Chuunin exam opponent. His confidence in the taijutsu master's skill was not unfounded.

"Are you alright, Lee-kun?" Aoyama asked with concern.

"Uh…yes. I'm fine," Lee answered. But the faces of the men around contorted into a grimace when Lee raised his right arm covered in thick mucus. He whisked his hand a few times to get the eye membrane goo loose, which resulted in everyone getting splattered. And since Aoyama was nearest…

_Why is it always me? _The agent winced as he wiped his sticky face._ Eew. _

"Anything?" Gaara asked as Sai alit from his bird.

Sai shook his head. He had been circling the water's surface area where Naruto previously was. "He'll be fine," he said. "He's not alone." Gaara nodded at this.

Just as Aoyama was about to ask what "not alone" meant, they heard a great rumbling followed by what sounded like a huge implosion underneath the sea. The resulting crestless wave sent the ship to be swept away a great distance but, thankfully, it remained safe and intact.

"Will you be alright?" Sai asked Gaara.

"Yes, I'll be fine. See what's going on."

Sai leapt onto his bird once again. "Come with me." He grabbed Lee's hand to get him on the bird. Another bout of drunken fist while the ship was swaying might create more damage in worse ways than a giant creature could.

"Woohoo! We're flying! Amazing!" Lee's excitement rose as they themselves ascended.

"Are you drunk again?"

"Of course not, Sai-kun. I never get drunk. Gai-sensei said sake is bad for me. Why do you ask?"

"…"

"Do you suppose that wave was caused by Naruto?" Lee asked.

"It's possible." Sai strained his eyes to see something clearer from afar. "There!"

"What is that?" Lee could see something like a silhouette of a mound-like reef except it kept bobbing up and down. The animated bird decreased its altitude at a steady pace until the object became clear.

"Ooy! Good thing you came. I need help with this."

"Naruto, is that - ?" Sai uttered. Naruto was walking on the water's surface while hauling a giant crab claw behind him.

"Ano ne," Naruto began with a scratch of the head. "I hit it with an O-dama Rasengan and it kinda exploded into pieces. And this claw hit me and swept me back up. Then Kurama and I got to thinking that crab meat seemed tasty so I kinda dug inside that crack there and it's really pretty good-dattebayo. I thought I'd bring it to the ship, y'know. For dinner."

"We already had dinner," Lee replied casually.

"Yeah, but after all that action, I got hungry again."

"Now that you mention it, I'm a bit hungry myself," Lee said though he wondered why. He already ate a full meal at dinner.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

"There! Over there! It's them! They're all fine," A crew member reported while holding a telescope.

Aoyama grabbed the telescope to confirm. Naruto was with Sai and Lee on top of the animated bird. A large red crab claw floated behind them, attached to Lee's chain. _How uncanny. _Whatever the explanation for why they were hauling a claw, or for everything else, he was glad they were all safe. He breathed a sigh of relief. _Is this what a shinobi is? _He turned to look at the lone shinobi behind him, who was acting like it was just any ordinary day in his life.

Gaara had regained a bit of his strength and was now just relaxing by a bench, tending to his bass. He was not at all surprised at the report he heard, of course, so he just continued wiping his guitar gently with a cloth, amazed at the expert craftsmanship by which the music ninjutsu shop reinforced the instrument. Despite its musical qualities, the make was apparently waterproof. His sand had settled back inside. As a special treat for himself and his sand, he plucked a few chords and took pleasure at the melody. He found it an effective way to restore lost chakra.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Ryo, Kota, Saku and Taiko were detained in a single cabin after things had settled. They had all feared for their lives while the giant creatures were attacking. The danger was past for everyone else… except for them.

"They're gonna kill us," Saku squeaked.

"They must be some kinda super robots or somethin'," Ryo said.

"We're doomed," Kota murmured.

Taiko couldn't manage a word. He just shook like a leaf all throughout.

The door suddenly slammed open that sent all four men to rush to one corner and quiver in fright… But it was only Aoyama who walked in. He proceeded to the long table and took a seat then bade the other four to do the same. The men adamantly walked away from the corner and drew out their chairs.

"It seems…" Aoyama began.

_Our robots also have mind-reading abilities. And they told me you're the mastermind, _was what Ryo expected to come next.

Saku recalled how he pushed Sai off the upper deck. Ryo's brilliant plan seemed so stupid now._ Clone or not, you will still be charged with attempted murder! _

_You can't be granted parole. Off to the electric chair with you! _Kota supplied in his head.

Taiko was one second close to a heart attack.

"We owe you an apology," Aoyama finished his first statement.

"Eh?"

"The boys vouched for your innocence," Aoyama said, quite oblivious to the shocked faces in front of him. He felt too awkward owning up to the blunder. He just proceeded to address them individually. "Naruto-kun said you noticed the disturbance in the water first and thought it was made by dolphins. I suppose if you did not send him to check, he wouldn't have been able to block that giant crab from attacking the ship... And Lee-kun insisted you were just training him for Rakugo. Now I don't know what kind of training that was, Kota, but he seems to really appreciate it... And Sai-kun claims he felt something was wrong with the water's movement from where you were so he jumped down on his own. Saku, from the monitors, it really looked like you pushed him but after the strange events earlier, I'm inclined to believe his word. As for you, Taiko, we didn't have a monitor in your room but the agents who busted in said Gaara-kun was holding a towel to your face. He later said you cut yourself shaving."

_No way!_ The four men still couldn't believe their luck. _No way!_ There had to be a fine print to all this somehow. They could not be that lucky.

"The boys requested to talk to you privately," Aoyama said.

There it was!_ They want to get their hands on us! They want revenge! _

"No! Please no," the men begged. They had risen and backed up against the wall as they pleaded.

Aoyama was not completely surprised by this. "I understand your concern. We were all surprised by their abilities too-"

"No, you don't get it," Kota said. "Just please, don't get 'em near us."

"Please, Kota-shishou!" Lee scampered in from outside and bowed. "We want to continue our rakugo training." The other three shinobi became visible by the entrance. The original Yonbaka men stood frozen in place. _It's a trick!_

"I'll give you some privacy," Aoyama said quite eager to head out and be done with this apologizing business. And he still had to see to the ship's minor damages. Further delay wasn't an option.

"What are you? What are you planning to do?" Saku asked, his voice unintentionally attaining the highest shrilly pitch that could break a wine glass.

"We are shinobi," Gaara replied simply. "Our aim is to accomplish our mission assigned to us."

"Mission?" Kota repeated.

"The mission is to capture the syndicate," Sai supplied.

"We still need your help to accomplish that," Naruto finished.

"Y-you mean you won't k-kill us?" Taiko asked despite his trembling.

"Why would we do that?" Lee asked incredulously.

_Could it be they really don't know? _Ryo contemplated.

"Because they tried to kill us," Sai replied…with a smile.

"Gomenasai!" Four men were suddenly bowing dogeza on the floor.

"Mah… we considered telling Aoyama-san," Sai said. "But it would not help our mission in any way."

"We won't do anything stupid from now on. We'll teach you Rakugo properly," the men promised, still in disbelief that their lives had been spared.

**つづく**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** No real-life giant sea creature was harmed in the making of this chapter. But real life greedy human octopi in govt deserve to get their eyes poked. Thank you, Lee! *winks at Shirayukihime* This one's for you, 仲間!また来週ね!

**Up next: **Intermission Chapter #2 The Three Pledges

* * *

Sakura: I was told I get to play a part! Yatta!

Yui: *trollface*


	13. Chapter 13

**2013.10.27 **

* * *

**13**

**The Three Pledges**

based on a traditional Rakugo tale

(an SD-inspired Skit a.k.a. Rock Lee no Genjutsu)

**Starring**

(in order of appearance)

**Uzumaki Naruto**

as Sukura Lover No. 1

("YES! No. 1-dattebayo!")

**Rock Lee**

as Sukura Lover No. 2

("1 or 2 makes no difference. It's who works the hardest.")

**Sai**

as Sukura Lover No. 3

("I didn't want to do it but I lost to Shorty in a coin toss.")

**Haruno** **Sakura**

as Meri Sukura

("I'm gonna get you, idiots, if I hear any

Sakura-bashing as a result of this. Shannaro!")

**Narrated by Yui**

A long, long time ago, in the thriving town of Konohado, there lived a lowly samurai named Uzumaki Naruto. While other samurai his age had continuously moved up the ranks and began to receive yearly koku or rice stipend from the Feudal Lord, no one thought to promote poor Naruto.

It wasn't because he didn't deserve the promotion, far from it. He had engaged in various battles and at times, even single-handedly saved the town from powerful enemies. And yet not a single koku was offered as a reward because, as the feudal bureaucracy would have it, Naruto must first pass a written exam to be eligible for promotion.

Unfortunately, the young samurai was bad at written exams. He was passed over for promotion because of this weakness. And since he couldn't afford rice with his meager pay, he resorted to eating ramen instead. He didn't mind, of course, because he loved ramen. He didn't have any choice but to love ramen. He couldn't afford to love rice because rice was expensive.

But let's not get off track with that sob story because despite the seemingly unfair circumstances, Naruto was not one to get fazed by such things, for he was the valiant, fearless, ever positive and gutsy samurai! Besides, he had already vowed to protect his land no matter what happened. And Naruto always kept his vows. And he detested anyone who did not keep a vow.

Hence, we come to the real story. Yes, the real story. The introduction has nothing much to do with the story. It's just to increase the word count for the sole purpose of wasting your time.

This is actually a love story…or not….more like a story about keeping one's vows…or not. In any case, it involves a lovely courtesan named Meri Sukura. She was the fairest courtesan in the land, with silken pink hair, smooth fair skin and statuesque physique (not flat-chested at all as some claimed). She was highly proficient in diverse art forms that included calligraphy, ikebana, origami, tea ceremony, poetry, painting, pottery, sculpture, singing, playing musical instruments, martial arts, culinary arts and all other art ever conceived.

She was also unbelievably knowledgeable in the sciences and was known to practice medicine as she skillfully tended to the sick despite her busy schedule as a very popular, ever in demand courtesan.

In other words, Meri Sukura was so ridiculously beautiful, talented and all-around perfect that every straight man in the country and his lesbian friend fell in love with her, while every other non-narcissistic female with an ounce of talent in creating more believable characters hated her guts. But Meri Sukura knew, perfect girl that she was, that she couldn't please everybody; such is life…or the lack of it.

Oh, and this story also somehow involves some pesky crows believed to be sent by a mystical rogue ronin named Itachi, in behalf of a stalking victim, who also happens to be his younger brother. Intrigued yet?

And now, the real story…

A long time ago, in the town of Konohado, there lived a lowly samurai named Naruto. Despite all the misfortunes that had plagued him since birth - orphaned as a baby, treated like a social leper as a child, getting passed over for promotion gazillion times – he never lost hope that he would one day catch a break. That day was now at hand, or so he believed.

Naruto happily whistled a tune as he bustled around his living quarters one morning. He had a straw-made suitcase opened on the tatami floor and it was steadily getting filled with clothing plus various odds and ends that were his possession. He would constantly stop to slip his hand inside his hakama and fish out a letter stored lovingly near his chest. He would open it, read it, giggle at it and stow it away again before proceeding to his packing activity. This was the routine for the past hour until he heard loud knocking from outside.

Naruto opened his door to find one of his friends by the name of Rock Lee. Rock Lee was a curry shop owner and therefore belonged to the Merchant Class, or more commonly known as the Chonin Class. While technically lower in class status, all of Naruto's Chonin friends were financially better off than he was. But Naruto didn't mind being the only poor samurai among rich Chonins. He was happy the way he was and he was even happier now of all days.

"Naruto-dono! I have great news," Lee gushed even before he was shown in.

"Really? So do I! Come in, come in!"

Lee was about to blurt out his happy news when he noticed the laid out suitcase on the floor. "Naruto-dono, you seem to be packing. Are you going somewhere?"

Naruto beamed at the query. "As a matter of fact, I am. I finally caught a big break-dattebayo!"

"That's great!" Lee exclaimed. "You mean you finally received a promotion?"

"Err… No, not exactly."

"Oh… okay. Did you win the lottery?"

"Hmm… something like that but not quite…"

"Tell me then. I'm getting really excited!"

"Haha! Alright, but it will be just between us, okay? I want to keep it private for now."

"Of course. I have good news too but you go first."

"Okay," Naruto giggled. "Here it is." He fished out his cherished letter and showed it to his friend.

"This is…" Lee gazed long and hard at the intricate outer design that identified it as a pledge. Lee opened the letter eagerly and read the content.

'_Next year in October, I hearby pledge to marry you. Signed, Meri Sukura'_

"I'm gonna get married-dattebayo!" Naruto proclaimed. "It's October. She promised to marry me on my birth month. How lucky is that? She's the most beautiful, talented girl in the world! Everyone's after her but she chose me! ME-dattebayo!"

"…"

"Ne, Lee, I heard she's also a great cook who specializes in fusion cuisine. I don't know what that means but I bet she can make the best ramen in the world. I can't wait to taste it. I'm so lucky to get a girl like her. I've arranged a trip to the countryside for our honeymoon as a surprise."

Lee seemed to have been struck dumb all of a sudden. He stared at Naruto then looked down on the letter in his hand again just to be sure that he read right. "This is a lie," he declared.

"Huh?"

"A lie! She's not your girl. She's mine!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Here!" Lee said as he fished out a letter from his own hakama.

Naruto immediately recognized it as another pledge. He grabbed the letter and unfolded it swiftly.

'_Next year in October, I hearby pledge to marry you. Signed, Meri Sukura'_

"No way! This has to be fake. Sukura-chan is mine-dattebayo!"

"You've been made into a fool by whoever wrote that because Sukura-san handed _that _letter to me herself."

"Oh yeah? Well she gave _that _to me herself too!"

"Wait, Naruto-dono… Are we really talking about the same Sukura? Meri Sukura, the multi-talented courtesan doctor with pink hair, voluptuous bosom and long legs?"

"That's exactly my Sukura… Wait… If we both met her and she both gave us these pledges then that means…"

They scrambled to open the pledges again and compared the handwriting. _They're the same. _"We've both been duped!"

The two men slumped down on the floor with the realization.

"How could she do such a thing?" Lee wondered incredulously. "I've gone to the tea-house to visit her every week for the past two years."

"I've gone for three," Naruto groaned. "I could've saved enough to buy rice with the money I pay them."

Suddenly, they heard a clunking sound from outside the window that prompted them to stand up and rush forward to take a peek. Outside looking in was the craftsman Sai, another Chonin of the town and friend to Naruto and Lee. He had bumped his shin on a ledge by Naruto's window, inadvertently making the noise.

"Sai, that clumsy oaf," Naruto muttered. "What's he doing spying on us for? Does he think he's a ninja or something?" He reached out the window, grabbed Sai by the collar of his hakama and pulled him inside. The action caused Sai to knock over Lee and they both toppled over on the floor.

Sai rose slowly while brushing himself off and straightening his kimono. "That's very harsh of you, Naruto-dono. I'm neither a ninja nor am I spying on you. I was simply passing by when I heard voices from your home. Being aware that you live alone, I simply checked that you weren't being burglarized. After all, that's what friends are for. Oh, what's this?" He picked up the letter that Lee had dropped on the floor when they fell over. "A pledge. These things are very formal," he stated as he began to unfold the paper. "Next year in October…"

"Oy, oy!" Naruto uttered as he noticed Sai's face turn white. "Could it be we have another one?"

"Don't tell me you got a pledge like we did," Lee said.

Sai smiled as he took out his own letter. "Hai. I got one from her four years ago."

"Four years?"

"Hai! She told me to wait but when I checked with her the following year and the year after that, she just kept telling me '_next year, next year.'_ Now I find out she gave the same pledge to you two."

"What do we do?" Lee asked in disbelief.

"Let's kill her," Sai said (smiling).

"Hey, nothing that drastic," Lee said. "We're peaceful men, after all."

"I have an idea," Naruto piped in. "We should go down to the tea-house tonight. I'll invite her in while you guys hide and listen in to what she'll say. Then we all confront her together."

"Good idea. Let's do that," the others agreed.

And so that very night, the three men went to the tea-house where the famous Meri Sukura worked as a courtesan. Naruto sat in the middle of a private room and waited for her to come in while Sai and Lee hid behind a divider by the corner.

A moment later, the very beautiful Sukura carefully slid the shoji door from outside and walked in gracefully. She sat beside Naruto and expertly poured him some tea. She then inched closer and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Ne, ne, ne, Naruto-sama~ you hardly visit me anymore these days. Are you so busy with your samurai work that you don't have time for me anymore? If I don't see you often, I find it hard to concentrate, do you know?"

"R-really, S-Sukura-chan?" Naruto stammered. His heart melted at the soft enchanting voice spoken so close to his ear. "Ouch!" he cried.

"Is something wrong, Naruto-sama?" Sukura asked as she turned her beautiful face toward him, exposing flawless freshly powdered skin.

"Err…nothing-dattebayo. I'm fine." Apparently, Sai had hit Naruto's other ear with a pellet from a bamboo blowgun.

"Where did you get that?" Lee whispered.

"Just one of my handcrafted wares. I sell them at a promo. Buy two, take one," Sai whispered back.

The action was enough to jolt Naruto back to his senses and recall his task, at least. He drew out the pledge from his kimono and held it out. "Ano…Sukura-chan, remember your promise to me last year? It's October and I was hoping we could get married as soon as possible so…."

"Oh…that," Sukura mumbled. She touched her lips shyly with the tip of her forefinger as she turned her face away. She then faced him again and smiled her sweet smile then fluttered her long eyelashes before she rested her head against Naruto's shoulder, drawing the fragrant scent of her silky pink hair nearer his olfactory sense. "Don't you find our relationship more satisfying this way for now? I sure would like to have more fun with you, so why don't we wait until next year, hmm?"

"Aha!" Lee emerged from behind his hiding place followed by Sai.

"Lee-sama, Sai-sama! What are you doing here? Have you come to see me too? How wonderful. I should go out and get two more teacups."

"Sukura-san, we just want to know how you could give all three of us the same pledge of marriage," Lee said.

"You never intended to marry any of us at all, did you?" Sai added.

"Oh but I never meant to be untruthful," Sukura purred in a cutesy voice. "You all asked and I didn't have the heart to say no and risk hurting your feelings."

"Hurt our fee- Are you kidding?!" Naruto gasped.

"No… I find you all really sweet," Sukura replied in an even cutesier voice.

"Sukura-san," Lee scolded. "Don't you know that it is said that every time you write a false pledge, three crows die in the process?"

"Really?" Sukura asked, placing a hand over her chest as a surprised gesture to this unknown saying. "Then I should have written more pledges to more men."

"What? Why?" The three men asked in shock.

"Well, I work nights as a courtesan. When it's time to get some sleep in the early hours, so many noisy crows outside keep me awake. Once the crows are gone, I can finally sleep in late."

~Owari~

* * *

**Trivia#1:** Chonin, chuunin, close enough. Chonin really means merchant class.

**Trivia#2:** The third lover in the original Rakugo version I referenced was named Sei. Again, close enough.

**Trivia#3:** The pledge referred to here is said to be written on sacred paper from Kamano Shrine. According to lore, the crows were the messengers that deliver the pledges, so when a false one is written, it angers the shrine's god and three crows die. Hence, the saying, "Three crows die in Kamano." I still prefer Itachi's pesky crows though.

Lesson over.

* * *

**Back to our regular programming…**

**Up Next: **Gaara takes a stab at Rakugo…or maybe it'll be Lee's turn…who knows…


	14. Chapter 14

**2013.11.03** This one's for you, Malibiser (even though it's likely not what you had in mind). XD Pozz!

* * *

**14**

"We're they really trying to kill us?" Lee asked. They just exited the cabin leaving four dumbfounded men who still couldn't believe they were granted reprieve from their criminal intents.

"I had a feeling they were planning something when they started separating us but..." Gaara wasn't sure how to continue. He didn't feel threatened at any time when he was with Taiko. And when he saw the man panicking at the sight of his own blood, Gaara felt… _bad_ for him. Pity was a new and strange sensation. And he wondered if Taiko really meant him harm.

"I thought Baldie-shishou really just wanted me to see dolphins when he flipped me over," Naruto confessed. "But that was before we were shown those surveillance clips." He scratched his head sheepishly. "I guess I should've gotten a clue when he kept insisting I get closer to the rail."

"But it was you who covered for them first, Naruto," Sai said. "I was ready to confirm Aoyama-san's findings if you didn't defend them. The mission would not have been threatened with their exposure. They would still be compelled to teach us Rakugo."

"I know but…" Naruto tried to sort out his own impulsive action. He stuck to his original assumption despite already having found out the truth. "I guess I kinda felt… sorry for them...you know?"

Gaara turned to Naruto then, quite surprised at himself for actually understanding what his friend meant. "Yes," was all he could say.

"Back there, they said we thought we were clones," Lee said. "Maybe they wouldn't have attempted to harm us if they knew we were the originals."

"Originals... Real humans, you mean," Sai clarified. "I don't think they know bunshin no jutsu."

"Of course, they do, Sai-kun," Lee corrected. "If they know henge, they should also be familiar with bunshin."

"They know henge?" Naruto asked.

"They're experts at it," Lee stated confidently. Only they use combined jutsu for it."

"Combined jutsu?"

"Hai. Let's see, there's... make-up no jutsu, wig no jutsu and costume no jutsu. I bet if I learn to do those really fast, it will pass for ninjutsu."

"No, it won't," came three synchronized replies.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

Breakfast was a very awkward activity the next morning. No one spoke unnecessarily at the table in contrast to the lively mood at dinner the previous night. As to who was more ill at ease was unclear. Old Yonbaka still felt retaliation for their failed assassination attempt could come at any time. New Yonbaka was concerned that the comprehension of Rakugo might be something beyond shinobi ability.

The staff and crew were fretting nervously and exchanging whispers regarding the four extraordinary young men on board. Some rumors said they were genetic cyborgs, developed within the foreign land they were picked up from a few days ago. Suspicion was that they were being transported to Yonkoku for replication and eventually integrated into the police force. Others said they were aliens that emerged inside a fallen meteor from a doomed planet. And still others said some kind of mass hypnosis caused everyone on the ship to hallucinate and see all those bizarre things. Some deemed the boys as heroes while others feared them, but no one dared breathe a word to echo their thoughts out loud, except for one.

"Hogwash!" The head chef scolded his staff. "Those boys are neither sci-bogus nor alley-anus. They are our friends. Look at this! Look! Look!" He swooned happily at the ample stock of deliciously exotic crabmeat in his freezer.

Despite the furtive side glances and whispers surrounding the four young men, Rakugo training resumed promptly at 8AM. Make-up and costume no jutsus were forgone this time around, as would be the case for most of the trip. According to Aoyama, costume rehearsals would be limited to once a week.

Ryo and his comrades forced themselves to act normal. The ninjas did not show any signs of backing out from their promise not to exact revenge despite their doubts. In any case, they had no choice but to turn their apprentices into Rakugo professionals within two months.

Fine, if these shinobi could have super abilities like they demonstrated the previous night, then two months should be enough for them to learn Rakugo. And after that, the former thugs could go scot-free and stay as far away from all the weirdness as possible.

"Alright," Taiko began. "Let's see if you've picked up anything from yesterday's lesson. You must take turns and do Manjū Kowai." He then summoned all his courage to proceed. "G-Gaara-kun, would you…give it a try? Onegaishimasu!"

Gaara's heart stopped… but he knew he had no choice but to go through with it. "Hai," he said slowly before rising and proceeding to the stage. He sat seiza and surveyed his audience. He had not had much use for voice imitations before but those were basic genin lessons, no trouble at all. Good thing he had a good memory whenever he set his mind to something, and he was certainly listening intently to Taiko's story that time. He picked up the folding fan to his right and got ready.

"Eto…"

After a few minutes, Naruto, Sai and Lee were smiling proudly at their comrade. They waited eagerly for their teachers' approval.

"He…" Taiko uttered. "Did he-?"

"Yeah, he did," Kota replied.

They exchanged glances with Saku and Ryo then all four leaned toward Aoyama who was seated at the other aisle. As per usual, Aoyama's mouth was hanging open.

Gaara was getting uncomfortable with the silence. "How… did I do?" He finally asked.

"You delivered the story…word for word," Aoyama stated. "You did it exactly how Taiko did it, even the improvisations... And all in his voice."

Gaara nodded. He was aware of what he did. "Is…that bad?"

"You're like a parrot," Kota said.

"Aah! Kota!" Taiko panicked. He didn't want to earn the parrot's wrath.

"Is that bad?" Naruto repeated Gaara's query.

Aoyama gave off a heavy sigh. After what he'd seen the previous day, he shouldn't be surprised by anything anymore. "Gaara-kun…and all of you," he said addressing the other three shinobi. "By what Gaara-kun did at length just now... And as Sai demonstrated yesterday, I can safely conclude that all four of you have the ability to mimic other people's voices and actuations-"

"I don't," Lee said. "I'm afraid I can't do ninjutsu. But even without it, I still worked hard to become an excellent ninja –"

"Ah yes, yes," Aoyama cut in, careful not to veer off topic this time. "The point is… our Rakugo act thrives on spontaneous delivery and live improvisations."

"…"

"You can't just mimic what you saw," Aoyama stressed. "The audience will see through it. You have to understand the story and deliver it a bit differently every single time."

"Isn't that what Sai did?" Naruto asked.

"Err…yes…but the audience has to relate to the story," Aoyama replied. "It has to involve normal situatio-…" That was it, he realized. _'Normal'_…these boys weren't normal. They probably never experienced normal things in their lives. Old Yonbaka realized the same and felt almost... _sorry _for them.

"How about love?" Saku asked. "Have you experienced falling in love?"

"Of course-dattebayo!" Naruto readily replied.

"I've found the love of my life too!" Lee said.

"She's not yours! She's mine!"

"No she's not. She's free to choose and she will eventually see how dedicated I am to her!"

"No, she won't!"

"She will!"

"She wo-"

"Perfect!" Taiko blurted out.

"Yeah, perfect," Ryo confirmed.

"We'll teach you The Three Pledges," Kota said.

"But that's a front act number," Saku said. "It's too advanced."

"It's the only thing we can try that they might get," Kota said as he headed to the stage to deliver the story.

One hour later…

One day later…

One week later…

One month later…

A month, two days, nine hours and ten minutes later…

_Four men struggled in the desert sands under the simmering heat of the flaming sun. They held their parched throats as they crawled their way through the red sand dunes. Crows squawked loudly and hovered above them, as if sensing that a feast would present itself at any second…_

"_Water…water…" the bald one said._

"_There's no hope left… we're gonna die…!" the curly one whimpered. _

"_Look… there... They're coming!" the pony-tailed one blubbered._

"_They're gonna kill us!" the one with the crew-cut screamed._

_Four men, a blond, a redhead, a dark-haired one and uh, a half-coconut cut arrived. They were mounted on shiny black steeds, eyes ablaze and evil smirks were on their lips. _

"_Mwahahahahaha! It's time to meet your end!" they said as they held up their iron swords whose blades glistened in the sunlight._

_The crows squawked louder as if to cheer them on._

"_NOOOOOOOOO!"_

Or so Ryo, Saku, Kota and Taiko felt after a whole month and two days of attempting to pass on their knowledge to this slow, clueless, entirely hopeless bunch of _IDIOTS!_

Taiko was sprawled on the floor trying to keep himself from sobbing. Ten Rakugo stories! _Ten! _And they couldn't understand what was funny in any one! _Why? _The Three Pledges was a special favorite of Yonbaka audience and yet these boys didn't get it. _Why?_

"_Sakura won't ever give a promise she won't keep," _Lee had argued.

"_If she wrote me a pledge, it will be just for me,"_ Naruto said. _"She'd never give Lee one-dattebayo."_

"_No! No! We're just using her name as an example," Taiko said. "We thought you'd relate with the characters better that way. I imagine she's a nice girl. But just focus on the story, please?"_

"_But Sakura isn't graceful at all," _Sai said bluntly.

That was followed by a barrage of questions and logical analysis of the tale that effectively ruined the humorous aspect of the story. The routine went on all through the rest of the month with each new story and finally, Taiko was sprawled on the floor, looking like a desert-stranded wanderer. Ryo was sitting on the front seat, bowed down and grabbing his bald head, as if a crow was pecking on it. Saku had slid from his seat halfway, his left arm rested on the armrest with his hand raised over his eyes in frustration. They were totally out of ideas.

Kota had gone out to get some cigarettes; he just finished off a pack. _These kids are gonna succeed in killing me anyway. I don't care if my lungs give out._

All four men eventually marched to Aoyama's office and begged to be given a break. The agent quickly conceded, for he too was at a loss. He had witnessed their struggle and sympathized. Each passing day drew them closer to the Eastern Hemisphere where Yonbaka would have to perform live immediately. They were running out of time.

But Rakugo had to be delivered spontaneously. There was no forcing such things so training had been temporarily suspended until the original Yonbaka could figure out how to make their apprentices relate to the humor in the stories.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

On to the third idle day and the shinobi friends were getting slightly bored. They were now situated on lounge beach chairs by the poolside on the upper deck. Gaara was cradling his bass and playing a tune. Naruto was sulking at the other seat beside him. Lee was running at a crazy speed around the pool for the past half hour to warm-up. Sai was wearing sunglasses and lying half naked on the lounge chair beside Naruto. Orders were that he was to get a tan. Unfortunately, he was no less white than he had always been, even if he had been doing it for an hour daily for a month.

They were currently conversing in hushed tones about something that didn't seem connected with Rakugo.

"Perhaps they're acting on Aoyama-san's orders?" Sai said with eyes closed behind his sunglasses.

"It's getting weird-dattebayo" Naruto said.

"It's been going on for the past couple of weeks," Sai said.

"There she goes again," Naruto spoke through his teeth as he espied one of the ship's crew from his peripheral vision. She kept peeking from the corner of the wall that separated the pool from the ship's control room.

"Perhaps they fear us for being shinobi," Sai suggested.

"Nah," Naruto said. "I know the look of fear. That's not it..."

"They're the only ones though," Sai said.

"Yeah, the same ones," Naruto agreed. "We passed by the other one down the hall earlier and I could feel her eyes following us as we walked past. Why are they spying on us?"

By this time, Lee was in front of them doing one-finger push-ups on the tiled floor. "They're not... eighty-two… spying… eighty-five... on us… eighty-eight… They're spying… ninety-one… on Gaara-kun… ninety-four."

"Huh?" Naruto uttered as he turned to Lee then to Gaara. The Kazekage just kept on plucking his bass.

"Come to think of it…" Sai reflected aloud. "I never notice them when I'm out alone."

"Hmm… Me neither," Naruto said then turned to Lee again. "How do you know they're spying on Gaara?"

Lee was on his hundredth forefinger push-up and had now switched to his pinky. "Because… seven… I talked... ten… to one of… thirteen… them…"

"Wait, wait, Lee would you cut that out for a sec and explain-dattebayo!"

Lee sat up in seiza position and faced them. "Mia-san came to me. Remember that girl who gave me medicine for motion sickness? Apparently, she's smitten by our Gaara-kun."

All heads turned to Gaara who was still engrossed with his bass.

"And the girl in the hall this morning?" Naruto asked. "And her?" he added referring to the one hiding behind the wall by the other end of the pool.

"I haven't talked to either of them but like you, I only notice them when I'm with Gaara-kun."

They all faced Gaara again who had finally stopped playing his bass. "I don't think there's cause for concern," he said. "They don't mean any harm… I think."

"Who's talking about harm?" Naruto asked. "Do they all like you?"

"…Perhaps. It seems I have become very likeable since I lost the Ichibi."

"Gaara-kun, if you cannot return their affections, you must tell them," Lee said indignantly. "You can't trifle with innocent girls' hearts. Mia-san would not appreciate having rivals."

Gaara reflected on this a moment. "Aah... No, it's nothing like that." He then stood up and turned to leave. "Do not worry yourselves about it. It's nothing."

"Oy, oy, is he acting suspicious or what?" Naruto said as Gaara went his way.

"He's acting like Gaara," Sai shrugged.

"Nah," Naruto countered. "He's definitely hiding something."

The girl by the corner dashed behind the wall and was seen rushing below deck where Gaara headed.

"If he won't talk, we should investigate," Naruto said.

"I guess I'm a little curious as well," Lee admitted.

"What did Mia-san say to you?" Sai asked.

"Well…It's like this…"

"_Lee-san…Gaara-san is trustworthy, isn't he?"_

"_Hai! Of course, he is. He is the Kage of his village and the regimental commander of the Allied Shinobi Forces. He-"_

"_Ooh, then he really is as wonderful as I imagined. And he's so handsome~."_

"_Mia-san… do you…do you have feelings for Gaara-kun?"_

"_You're making me blush, Lee-san. But I'll tell you. He has feelings for me too."_

"_He does?"_

"_Yes, he promised to date me when we get to shore."_

"_He did?"_

"_Yes. Now that you've confirmed his character, I'm now even more sure that my act of love is not in vain."_

"_Act…of…love?"_

"_Uh-huh. I was so happy when he made his promise that I just couldn't help but do it."_

"_Do…what, Mia-san?"_

"_Uhm… Alright, since you've been a good friend to Gaara-san and myself, I'll show you."_

"…"

Naruto and Sai were waiting for the account to continue.

"Show you what?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"Ano… she showed me her…uhm..." He then pointed at his chest.

"What?!" Naruto gasped and started sweating.

"Well, not all of it. Just a little at the top…above her heart."

"Oh…And?"

"She has an Ai kanji tattooed on to match Gaara-kun's."

"No way!" Naruto said. "She's _that_ in love with him?"

"Hmm…" Sai pondered. "If it's a symbol of her devotion then it's not that different from when I got my ANBU tattoo."

"Believe me, Sai," Naruto said as he rolled his eyes. "It's _very_ different."

"We should just tell the other two girls that Gaara-kun is already committed to someone else," Lee suggested.

"Good idea," Sai agreed. "That's the kind of thing friends do for each other, isn't it? It would save Shorty the trouble."

"Ano…" Naruto began. "I…don't know about this one. Girls are kinda…"

"Don't worry, Naruto-kun," Lee said. "We will be very gentle. It's for the girls' own good too."

And so, the three left the poolside and headed back down where, incidentally enough, they stumbled upon the girl who was at the upper deck earlier. By her uniform, they concluded that she was one of the medics from the infirmary. She was pacing outside Gaara's door when she spotted the three shinobi approaching. She quickly averted her gaze and started to leave.

"Medic-san," Lee boldly called to her. "May we talk to you for a moment?"

The girl looked uneasy but eventually nodded her head. They proceeded to the nearby lounge area where they usually had tea during breaks. The girl fidgeted nervously on her seat.

"Don't worry. We mean no harm," Lee assured. "We just wanted to clear something up."

"Are you in love with Gaara?" Sai asked suddenly. The girl's face paled.

"Sai no baka!" Naruto yelped. "Can't you have more tact?"

"I…I do love him," the girl blurted out shyly. "I…I was up on deck when the giant octopus attacked and I saw what he did to save us. He's so brave and selfless and when he fell… I rushed to help him... I laid his head on my lap and…" She sighed at the memory of that moment when Gaara-sama opened his eyes and met hers. She then placed a hand to her heart to keep it from pounding.

The boys' eyes instinctively followed where her hand went. _No way…_

"You…you didn't do any…" Lee was almost scared to continue. "You didn't do any act of …_love_…did you?"

The girl snapped from her reverie. "How did you know?"

*Head slap* Naruto groaned as the girl revealed the Ai tattoo above her left bosom.

"Medic-san…" Lee stammered. "I'm sorry to say this but Gaara-kun may not share your affections. You see-"

"Oh, but he does!"

"…"

"He promised to date me."

"Gaara…anoyero…" Naruto muttered. _When did he have time to set up dates with two girls?_

"Didn't he tell you?" the girl asked. "But then… I guess he wouldn't. It's one of the things I love about him. He's so quiet and mysterious and… those eyes~"

Naruto groaned again.

"He made the same promise to someone else," Sai said.

"Sai!" Naruto squeaked.

"Isn't it better for her to know the truth?" Sai shrugged.

"You're lying," the girl said heatedly. "Gaara-sama would never!"

"And you're lying, Noriko!" A female voice suddenly declared behind them.

At the other side of the sofa they were sitting on stood a girl dressed in galley uniform. The boys recognized her as one of the head chef's staff that served their meals. She currently had her arms crossed in front of her while glaring at the medic. "Good thing I stopped by here for my break or else I wouldn't have overheard you. How dare you say Gaara promised to date you?" she challenged.

"But he did!" The soft-spoken medic insisted, trying her best to act firm.

"Ha!" The fiercer of the two scoffed. "You must've thrown yourself at him and he said anything out of fear."

"That's the kind of thing you would do, Otsu-san," Noriko said as she gathered enough courage. "Besides, Gaara-sama doesn't fear anything. He's the bravest man I know. He promised me he would date me when we get to shore."

Otsu looked stunned. _'When we get to shore' _was too specific to be a coincidence. It was the exact same words that he said to her. Her shocked expression didn't escape the boys' notice.

"I guess this is what you call an awkward situation, isn't it?" Sai said.

"Mah…mah…" Naruto said in an attempt to calm the reddening volcano that was Otsu. "At least you didn't get a tattoo right?"

*clack clack clack*

Three buttons from the white galley uniform got undone diagonally from the top and revealed a freshly tattooed Ai kanji in blood red tint.

Lee swiftly covered his own eyes. The black lace of Otsu's bra was showing! _Mustn't look, mustn't._

"I'm gonna kill him," Otsu muttered under her breath.

"Wait, there must be a good explanation for this," Lee said. "Gaara-kun wouldn't make false promises…" He then turned to Naruto. "Would he?" The Jinchuuriki was friends with the Kazekage the longest after all. But Naruto's mind was focused on something else.

_Anoyero! When did he get time to set up three dates-dattebayo?_

The two women continued bickering as the boys stood aside. They learned well enough, from witnessing Ino and Sakura, not to interfere in such situations.

Then along came the Kazekage, who had stopped abruptly by the arched entrance when he saw all the familiar faces in the lounge. Mia, the cabin attendant, walked in after him. The rest quickly took notice and just stood as if momentarily frozen, except for Sai, who turned curiously from one face to the next. "And I suppose, the awkward situation just got even more awkward, didn't it?" he said (smiling, of course).

"Mia, what's the meaning of this?" Otsu asked with a raised eyebrow.

Mia similarly raised an eyebrow at Otsu as she hooked an arm around Gaara's own. "I invited Gaara-san for coffee," she said confidently, but then she gasped as her eyes strayed to the exposed tattoo on Otsu's chest. "That's..." She couldn't continue. She just looked at Gaara questioningly and then at Lee. "Lee-san, you said he was trustworthy!"

"I- I- I-" Lee stuttered. He had never been accused of lying before.

"Gaara, will you just tell us what's going on-dattebayo."

Gaara's ever placid face betrayed no alarm at the situation. "They all asked me to go out with them and I said yes," he replied simply.

"Go... out..." Naruto wasn't sure how but he was starting to understand…

"But going out won't be possible for them until we get to shore," Gaara continued.

"Gaara-kun," Lee said. "When they asked to go out, they meant on a date, as in romantic date."

"Date...rom-... Ah no, I just intend to escort them out of the ship."

That's when Noriko almost fainted. Good thing Naruto was behind her. Otsu was about to pounce on the Kazekage but Sai stopped her. And Mia backed away angrily with flushed cheeks.

"Gaara-san," she scolded indignantly. "Don't you know that if you make a false promise, three crows die in the process?"

"They do?" Gaara did not know this jutsu. "Excuse me. I have to go," He bowed then turned to the direction of the exit.

"Oy! Where are you going-dattebayo?"

Gaara stopped and faced them with what seemed like a tinge of excitement in his voice. "I'm going to find people to make false promises to."

"What?! Why?"

"Many crows make noise outside my office in Suna from the early hours. If the crows are gone, I will be able to focus on my paperwork till after sunrise."

**つづく**

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, Gaara could've just crushed those pesky crows with his sand but he isn't as blood-thirsty as he once was. XD Nice innocent boy Gaara.

* * *

Naruto: He's just as literal as Sai.

Sai: I know what 'going out' means. Kakashi-senpai gave me a book.

* * *

Here's good guy Lee NOT looking: deviantartDOTcom/art/Rock-Lee-182680187

**Up next: **"Season" Finale


	15. Chapter 15

**2013.11.10 Season Finale**

* * *

**15**

_Four young men struggled in the desert under the simmering heat of the flaming sun. They were trying to support each other's weights as they trudged through the red sand dunes. Crows squawked loudly and hovered above them, as if sensing that a feast would present itself at any second…_

"_Ramen…ramen…" the blonde said._

"_There's no hope left… " the redhead declared. _

"_We... are going... to die," the dark-haired one stated... with a smile._

"_We have reached the winter of our youth." the one with the half-coconut cut said in tears that quickly evaporated in the desert heat._

_Suddenly, four men appeared in a wisp of sand as if transported there through space-time jutsu, a bald guy, a bearded one with a pony tail, another with a crew-cut, and finally, a curly-top. Their eyes were all ablaze and they had evil smirks on their lips. _

"_Mwahahahahaha! It's time to meet your end!" they said as they quickly formed multiple hand seals so fast the movement was almost invisible to the naked eye._

_The crows squawked louder as if to cheer them on._

"_NOOOOOOOOO!"_

Or so four shinobi felt at the moment. Naruto, Gaara, Lee and Sai had never felt so incompetent in their lives. No amount of hard work could make them understand what made people laugh. Old Yonbaka seemed to have forgotten their fear of the shinobi's abilities and had gotten quite strict in their instructions. But no amount of explanation could make the replacements understand the humor in Rakugo tales.

Hope was momentarily kindled two days earlier while Kota was having coffee alone at the ship's lounge. He was seated on a couch with a high backrest when he heard Lee's voice behind him.

"_Don't worry. We mean no harm. We just wanted to clear something up."_

Kota listened discreetly as the Gaara Love Square incident unfolded. He couldn't help but take a peek behind the backrest when Noriko revealed her 'act of love' above her chest. Then Otsu came along and revealed the same thing. Finally, Gaara came in with Mia and the characters of the tale of the three Ai tattoo pledges were complete. Kota couldn't believe it. He was witnessing the famous Rakugo tale right before his eyes albeit with reversed roles between male and female.

"_If the crows are gone, I will be able to focus on my paperwork till after sunrise," _Gaara said.

All hell was about to break loose as Naruto, Lee and Sai tried to pacify three scorned women when Kota suddenly leaped from the couch he was sitting on. _"That's it!"_ he declared excitedly. _"You! Come with me!"_ He dragged Lee and led him out of the lounge. The others followed confused after them.

Somewhere along the way, Kota had asked a passing crew member to summon Aoyama and the rest of old Yonbaka to the theater. They were then all seated and facing the stage once again. Lee, to his surprise, was told to go up and take his position at the center of the Rakugo stage.

"_What's this about?"_ Aoyama asked, glancing furtively at the three female additions to the audience behind him.

"_Lee,"_ Kota called. _"Go ahead, tell us what just happened."_

"_What happened? Y-you mean with…"_ Lee pointed at Gaara then at the girls, then at his forehead, then at his heart.

"_Yeah, that. Start from the beginning,"_ Kota ordered. _"And say the lines like how everyone said it, alright? Go."_

"_Ano…" _

And so Lee began to narrate the incident starting from the discussion by the poolside.

"_The Three Pledges,"_ Aoyama whispered to himself in astonishment by the time Lee got to the part where Mia revealed her tattoo. The other men began to snicker in amusement at the other side. The ninjas were surprised by this reaction, the very first display of approval any of them got before then.

"_It is similar to The Three Pledges, isn't it?" _Naruto muttered in amazement as the narration went on. It did seem amusing to him now.

Lee finally got to Gaara's statement about the crows in relation to his paper work and that was when Kota told him to end the account. The older men in the audience clapped but they looked like they were congratulating Kota more than they were Lee.

Otsu bowed a little and shook her head before starting to giggle. The other two girls giggled too. They realized that the foolishness was their own. It turned out they were all smitten by a young man who was truly innocent in matters of Ai. The irony made them giggle even more.

_"That's one down, eh," _Ryo said with satisfaction. _"Now, to get 'em to relate to the other stories..."_

"..."

The momentary kindled hope, thus, got snuffed out abruptly. Indeed, the boys didn't need to understand the humor to tell Rakugo effectively after all, but how could they be expected to experience the other tales in real life within the remaining three weeks of their sea journey? They had no choice but to go back to square one and attempt to teach Rakugo the conventional way.

Hence, Naruto and the gang were feeling like a bunch of extra dull usuratonkachi two tough training days later. They were again idling by the poolside and exploring their options.

"They did say Rakugo is popular with the middle to senior age groups. Hya!" Lee was vigorously performing kata exercises by the side of the pool as he spoke. "We will definitely understand it when we become much older. Hya!"

"What good would that do?" Naruto asked. "We have to perform in three weeks."

"Hya! I'm just trying to stay positive. Hya! Hya!"

"The first performance should be no problem," Sai said as he lay prone on the lounge beach chair, still trying (but failing) to get a tan. "We can just imitate how our shishou did their act."

"True," Gaara agreed, cradling his bass as usual. "It's the succeeding performances that will be a problem. We can't repeat the exact same thing every day for a whole month."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed. "And we won't even get to the syndicate's club until the last week. Frizzytop-jiisan said the contract with the club will be cancelled if our first performances suck."

"Two acts for each of us per show, three shows per day…" Sai calculated. "Six days a week for four weeks. That's 144 Rakugo versions for each of us, which makes 576…"

"What are you counting?" Gaara asked.

"I'm thinking that if our shishou can come up with 576 different Rakugo versions within three weeks, Dickless here can memorize each one with his kage-bunshin and perform for all of us with henge."

"Whoa! That's a great idea, Sai-kun!" Lee declared.

Gaara revealed his half-smile of satisfaction at the favorable suggestion.

Naruto's face, however, was contorted in a way that's hard to describe but obviously, he was not pleased. Even if he could copy all the versions, doing Rakugo was no fun at all. "You can't dump all the work on me," he protested.

"The success of the mission is top priority," Sai reminded. "I can only produce three clones maximum. 144 Rakugo versions will be impossible to retain."

"The same goes for me," Gaara concurred, quite liking the direction of the conversation.

"I can't even do clones," Lee said, glad for the first time of his lack of the particular shinobi trait.

"Temera! There's no way I'm gonna do Rakugo alone!"

Sai rose from his prone position and sat up facing Naruto. "Why not?" He asked casually. "Don't you have the balls for it, Dickless?"

"Teme!"

Naruto stood up in his rage and pointed an accusing finger at the artist nin. "I'm sick and tired of your stupid nicknames, you… you…Pasty Face!"

"Pasty Face? Hmm…" Sai considered this a moment before his face lit up. "Oh, it's because of my pale skin, isn't it?" he asked. "Unfortunately, my skin color does not really match the color of paste. It would probably fall under no. F35 on my color wheel. The parent color would be orange and is comprised of about 95% red, 92% green and 90% blue. The color of paste is more light grayish and falls under a very light shade of brown. It will only be about 89% red 63% green and 88% blue. So I think…hmm…" He examined his arm. "…What other substance is colored the same as #F35?..."

"…"

Naruto could only slump his head in defeat. He finally realized an attempt at a return jab in the nickname game was useless as far as Sai was concerned. Life was so unfair.

~アホ~アホ~アホ~アホ~

_Three weeks. Just three more weeks. Impossible. It's hopeless._ Two months of perilous sea journey to and fro a strange land just to end up recruiting four idiots. A great chunk sliced from YIPIAI funds had gone to waste. _I'm going to get fired for this!_

A knock on Aoyama's door jolted him from his somber thoughts. "Come in," he said and was a little surprised to find the four idiots enter. They stood side by side in front of the agent, Sai at the farthest left, Gaara next, Naruto and then Lee.

"Ne, Frizzytop-jiichan," Naruto started as he looked to his friends for encouragement. "We kinda arrived at an agreement."

"Agreement on what?"

"We agreed that we can't do Rakugo," Sai said (yes) smiling.

"What?! You can't decide that on your own! We paid in advance for your services!"

*POOF*

"Wha-!" Aoyama blinked. Ryo, Saku, and Taiko were standing before him. "Ryo, what are you doing here? How did you-?"

"It's me-dattebayo," Ryo-henged Naruto said in his own voice.

"N-Naruto?"

"I'm Sai," Saku-henged Sai revealed.

"And that's Gaara-kun."

Aoyama almost jumped to find Lee standing behind him pointing at Taiko-henged Gaara. _How did he get there?_

"I can't henge," Lee said. "But I can move really fast that you won't be able to see me."

Aoyama turned from one person to the next, unsure of what to make of this new wizardry.

"We believe we can be of more use to you with our abilities as shinobi than making us do Rakugo," Gaara said.

"But…but Rakugo is the key to entering the syndicate lair."

"Then you can ask Saku-shishou and the others to do it," Sai said.

"They're criminals on probation," Aoyama argued. "They can never be trusted again."

"Ano ne," Naruto started almost wistfully with a kind of sincere and kind appeal for his point to be heard. "We've been taking all these lessons from them this past month and... we know we're not learning very well but we kinda came to the conclusion that they're not all that bad. They really like what they do when they're up there on stage."

"I think... they _love_ doing it," Gaara said. "We've been watching them the whole time."

"We also figured they can't come up with 144 variations of each Rakugo act within three weeks anyway," Sai said.

That last point was totally lost on Aoyama so just decided to ignore it. "And how do you intend to help me with the case if they're the one performing? It's a limited access set."

"We're shinobi. We can get in anywhere," Naruto replied. "Besides," he added somewhat shyly. "We'd still like to perform on stage."

"As the musical act," Sai finished.

"We can get in disguised as crew members," Gaara offered. "We'll investigate the case unnoticed while Taiko-san and the others are performing and we can play music at the end of each show."

"You can do all that?" Aoyama asked.

"We can do a lot of things," Lee replied. "We just can't seem to do Rakugo…until we reach middle age."

"So maybe it's about time you tell us what this syndicate is all about and what we'll be looking for," Sai said.

*POOF*

Naruto, Gaara and Sai returned to their original form as Lee sped back to stand beside them. Aoyama eyed them seriously as he considered their proposal. He had journeyed leagues to find replacements for a Rakugo act, to serve as mere decoys while YIPIA agents infiltrate a notorious syndicate. He didn't get what he paid for…He might just have gotten something more worthwhile at a bargain. The young men in front of him had abilities far beyond his expectations…They just might get the job done where YIPIA had failed for years. These boys were no idiots. They were shinobi.

**~Season End~**

* * *

**Next Season:**

The Four Idiots reach the other side of the world

More Rakugo Lessons

More adventures

Even more social retardation

And maybe a bit of rock and roll

* * *

**A/N:**I'll repeat the last part of my mid-week message here (minus the drama):

I am comfortable with "temporarily" ending with 15 chapters. I left no cliffhangers and each chapter is kinda like an episode that could pretty much stand on its own as far as themes are concerned. Hence, let us consider the 15th as the "Season" Finale instead of a series end (anti-climactic as it is). Till next time and from the bottom of my heart, God bless you all and ARIGATOU! I'm off to chase a dream ~Yui


End file.
